What you are describing is very deep and very precious from a Jain point of view.

In simple Jain language, what you felt 10 years ago and again now can be understood as:

• Mumukshutva – a genuine longing for moksha (liberation)
• Vairāgya – inner disinterest in worldly life after seeing its impermanence
• Smaraṇa / Jāti‑smaraṇa–like sparks – past-life saṁskārs (impressions) getting awakened

Let’s go step by step, in detail but in simple words.

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1. Why did this feeling come 10 years ago?

According to Jain dharma, such a strong, sudden pull towards dīkṣā never comes from nowhere.

• The soul has travelled through infinite births.
• In some past births, you might have:

- done bhakti of sadhus/sādhvīs, - served saints, - practiced vows, tapa, or partial renunciation, - or even taken dīkṣā earlier.

All these create saṁskār (impressions) on the soul. When conditions are right in a future life, these impressions wake up as a feeling like:

> “I want to leave saṁsār. I want dīkṣā. I want only moksha.”

This is called mumukshutva – the deep, inner desire to be free.

10 years ago, that inner seed probably sprouted for the first time in this life. It was suppressed by:

• worldly responsibilities,
• family expectations,
• fear,
• or simply lack of right guidance.

Jain texts say: even if such a thought is suppressed, it never goes to waste. It stays inside and becomes stronger over time.

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2. What does it mean that it came back now, more strongly?

Three months back, you saw the poster of a person you see daily – but now in a death photo.

This is a very powerful shock for the mind. In Jain thought, this is called anicchatva / anityatā–bodh – realization of impermanence:

• “He was here yesterday, today he’s gone.”
• “If this can happen to him, it can happen to me any time.”
• “Life is completely unpredictable.”

This sudden awareness often awakens vairāgya:

> “What am I running after? > All this can end in one moment. > I should think about the real purpose of life.”

So what has likely happened is:

1. Old saṁskārs of mumukshutva were already there from past births.
2. They first surfaced 10 years ago, then got covered again.
3. Now, the shock of seeing death closely burned some illusion and re‑awakened those same impressions.
4. As a result, the desire for dīkṣā and moksha has come back, more clearly and genuinely.

In Jain terms, this is a sign of pūrv‑bhav ni saṁskār + present‑life vairāgya joining together.

You can read more about “Why dīkṣā only” here

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3. Does this mean you “must” take dīkṣā right now?

Jain dharma is very balanced here.

a) Two levels of the path

1. Shravak / Shravik dharma (lay life with vows)
2. Sadhu / Sādhvī dharma (full renunciation, dīkṣā)

The feeling you have means:

• Your soul is tired of saṁsār,
• It recognizes the truth that only dharma and moksha are permanent,
• It is pulling you towards higher renunciation.

But how that will express in this life depends on:

• Your current karmic conditions (family, health, age, responsibilities),
• Your inner strength,
• The guidance you receive from true Jain Gurus.

So, this feeling does not automatically mean:

• “You are wrong if you don’t take dīkṣā immediately.”

Rather, it means:

• “Your soul is ready for a serious spiritual shift. You should not ignore this.”

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4. What is this shift supposed to do in practical life?

Whether you ultimately take dīkṣā in this life or in a future life, this present feeling should be respected and used, not wasted.

You can:

1. Deepen your understanding

• Study basic Jain tattvas: soul, karma, four gatis, 14 gunasthāns.
• Listen to pravachans and life stories of Tirthankars and great monks/nuns.

- This makes vairāgya stable, not just emotional.

2. Strengthen your lay vows

If you are living as a shravak/shravika:

• Be more serious about:

- Ahimsā in food, work, and habits - Satya in speech - Aparigraha (limiting possessions, desires, and comforts) - Regular pratikraman and svādhyāy

This way, even as a layperson, you start living a “lighter”, less attached life that prepares the soul for future dīkṣā.

3. Take guidance from a true Guru

In Jain dharma, such a big inner movement should be shared with:

• A knowledgeable, experienced Jain sadhu/sādhvī/Āchārya, or
• At least a deeply dharmic elder who understands Jain principles well.

They can help you:

• Check: is this just an emotional reaction, or a steady inner call?
• See: what is practically possible now, without violence or irresponsibility.
• Plan: a step‑by‑step path from today’s life towards more and more renunciation.

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5. Is this “just fear of death”?

You mentioned shock at the unpredictability of life. That’s natural.

In Jain eyes, there can be two kinds of reactions to seeing death:

1. Fear-based reaction

- “I’m scared, I want to escape.” This usually comes and goes, and the person soon returns to old habits.

1. Wisdom-based reaction (vivek + vairāgya)

- “Death is real, anytime. I must purify my soul. I must reduce attachment. I should use my remaining life for dharma.” This doesn’t go away quickly; it returns again and again and pushes you upward.

From what you wrote:

• You felt like this 10 years ago and now again, more deeply.
• This continuity suggests it is not just a passing fear, but a real spiritual pull.

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6. What does it mean spiritually, in one line?

In Jain terms, what is happening can be summarised like this:

> Your soul’s old dharmic saṁskārs have been re‑awakened by the direct experience of life’s impermanence, creating a genuine mumukshutva (longing for moksha) and vairāgya (detachment from saṁsār). > This is a very auspicious inner state and should be protected and guided, not suppressed again.

You can also see some discussions around dīkṣā and its meaning here:

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7. What can you do from today (very practical steps)

1. Do not panic, do not rush.

- Dīkṣā is the highest step; it must be taken with full clarity and preparation.

1. Every day, give this feeling some space.

- Sit quietly for a few minutes. - Remember death (anityatā), remember the soul, remember moksha. - Let tears or emotions come; they purify.

1. Start living “lighter”.

- Eat purer food (minimise himsā, avoid unnecessary indulgence). - Let go of some possessions, luxuries, or habits you don’t truly need. - Reduce anger, ego, jealousy – even a little is progress.

1. Keep company of dharma.

- Satsang, pravachans, biographies of saints – these will give direction to your inner call.

1. When possible, meet a Guru and speak openly.

- Say exactly what you wrote to me: 10-year-old feeling, suppression, and now its return. - Ask for guidance tailored to your age, family situation, and capacity.

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8. A gentle reassurance

In Jain dharma, no true dharmic feeling is ever wasted.

Even if:

• You cannot take dīkṣā immediately, or
• You remain a shravak/shravika this whole life,

Your present vairāgya and mumukshutva will still:

• Weaken many karmas,
• Create new shubha (pure) karmas for future births,
• Bring you closer to the stage where dīkṣā becomes naturally possible.

So, what does this mean?

• It means your soul is waking up.
• It means saṁsār is no longer fully satisfying you.
• It means you are being pulled toward the real purpose of human birth: moksha.

Honor that feeling, nurture it carefully, and align your life—step by step—with that inner call.