What you are experiencing is deeply described in Jain Dharma, and it is not “random” or meaningless at all.

I’ll answer in parts:

---

1. What does this constant wish “to become a Tirthankar and help all souls” mean?

In Jainism, such thoughts are called “uttam bhav” – very high, pure inner feelings.

a) Two things are clearly visible in your bhav:

1. Vishva–kalyāṇ bhāvanā

- You are not only thinking about your moksh, but about - poor humans - animals - plants (leaves) - all living beings - You feel pain that they are in bondage and wish that they also attain moksh. - This is very similar to the compassionate outlook of a Tirthankar, whose concern is for the upliftment of all jīvas.

1. Spontaneous origin of this feeling

- You said: “No one told me to think like this; it came from within.” - According to Jain karma theory, such natural, repeated, and stable good feelings are the result of very strong punya and good saṁskārs from past lives. - Jain scriptures show that before becoming Tirthankars, great souls in earlier lives had: - immense compassion for all - deep detachment from personal pleasure - constant remembrance of moksh as the only true goal

This does not automatically mean “you will surely become a Tirthankar” (that requires extremely special karmas, Tirthankar-nām-karma), but it does mean:

> Your inner direction is strongly aligned with moksh and universal welfare, which is very, very precious.

You can read more about who a Tirthankar is here: “Who is a Tirthankar”

---

2. Is it wrong to desire to become a Tirthankar?

We must understand the subtle difference:

a) Shubh icchhā (pure wish)

A pure wish looks like this:

• “I want such a state where

- my moha, rāg–dveṣh end - I can show the path of moksh to countless souls - I can be a cause of welfare of infinite jīvas.”

This kind of desire is not bad. It is close to uttam nirīcchā – a wish for the highest spiritual state, not for material, name, or comfort.

In fact, Jain stories of earlier births of Tirthankars show that they had:

• intense dayā (compassion)
• dharma–sevā bhāvanā (wish to serve religion and souls)
• and deep nishkāmpan (detachment)

So if your core wish is:

> “Let all attain true happiness / let everyone attain moksh; if I can become an instrument like a Tirthankar, that is the highest use of my soul.”

– then this is a very high bhav.

---

3. Where does the ego part fit in?

You have also very honestly written:

> “Sometimes I think with ego – nobody thinks like me, I will be worshipped, respected after becoming a Tirthankar etc. Then I feel regret and apologize.”

This is extremely important to see clearly.

a) Two mixed streams inside you

Right now there are two bhavs running together:

1. Karunā + vishva-kalyāṇ bhāvanā

- Pure, soft, unselfish: “Let everyone be free, I can’t bear their suffering.”

1. Ahankār + mān (ego + pride)

- Subtle: “I am special; nobody thinks like me.” “I will be worshipped and respected.”

Jain Dharma says: The first stream is your true upward direction. The second stream is just old karmic dirt rising and being seen.

b) Your regret is a very good sign

• The moment you notice: “I am thinking with ego, with expectation of worship”

and you: - feel ashamed from within - and apologize mentally

then according to Jain karma theory, you are actually doing pratikraman and lightening those karmas.

What is dangerous is not “ego coming”, but not recognizing it and enjoying it.

You are:

• recognizing it
• separating from it
• feeling “this is not right for my soul”

This is spiritual progress.

---

4. How does Jain Dharma view this kind of inner journey?

a) Compassion for all jīvas

You wrote you worry for:

• poor people
• animals
• even leaves on a tree

In Jain view:

• Even this thought “How will they all attain moksh, when will their suffering end?”

comes from a soul that has developed subtle sensitivity to life (jīva-bheda jñān).

• Many people pass trees, animals, poor persons without any awareness; your mind is seeing jīva everywhere and is connecting them to moksh.

This is very close to the bhāvanā of a sādhu moving towards higher spiritual stages.

b) Tirthankar–nām–karma and high bhav

Jain texts explain that Tirthankar-nām-karma is bound by souls who:

• do intense dharma-sevā,
• have zero jealousy towards great souls,
• are extremely humble,
• and have limitless compassion and detachment.

Stories like those of King Mahābal (future Abhinandan Swami) or King Shrenik (future Mahāpadma Tirthankar) show that in earlier lives:

• they were deeply concerned with moksh as the only real goal
• they accepted criticism happily, and
• they rejoiced in others’ progress.

You can read a simple example here: “How our Fourth Tirthankar Abhinandan Swami became Tirthankar”

Your feelings resemble the starting form of this direction, but you must now refine them.

---

5. How to purify this desire so it becomes spiritual and not egoic?

Step 1: Clarify your real aim

Whenever the thought “I want to become a Tirthankar” arises, gently reframe it:

• Not: “I want to be worshipped.”
• But:

> “I want to destroy my karmas completely and reach such a pure state > that I can become a cause for liberation of infinite souls.”

If you keep doing this, the same desire slowly becomes:

• less about “I, me, my status”
• more about “my soul’s purity and others’ welfare”

Step 2: Always connect it with humility

You can remind yourself:

• “Right now I am full of kashāyas (anger, pride, deceit, greed).

A real Tirthankar is free from all four. Let me first reduce my smallest anger, smallest ego, smallest deceit. If I cannot handle a small insult or small loss, how can I even imagine Tirthankar-hood?”

This does not crush your dream; it grounds it in honest sādhanā.

Step 3: Turn regret into proper pratikraman

You are already feeling regret; now make it a little more systematic:

Whenever egoic thoughts come:

1. Pause, close eyes for a few seconds.
2. Think clearly:

- “O pure soul within me, I again got caught in pride and wish for respect. This is against my real nature. I renounce these egoic thoughts and bow to all great souls.”

1. Mentally say something like:

- “Micchāmi dukkadam” – may whatever faults I did due to ego be forgiven, and may I not repeat them.

This is very much in line with traditional Jain pratikraman.

Step 4: Replace “I am special” with “Dharma is great”

When mind says:

• “Nobody thinks like me; I am rare.”

Consciously shift to:

• “If any good thought is coming in me, it is due to

- Jin-vāṇī, - past punya, - guidance of Tirthankars and sadhus. The greatness is of Dharma, not of ‘me’.”

Slowly, the doer-ship (“I am the great thinker”) weakens, which is vital for progress.

---

6. How to live daily with such a high inner wish?

You can adopt a few simple, very practical Jain practices:

a) Daily small vishva–kalyāṇ prārthanā

Once or twice a day, maybe morning/evening:

Sit quietly 2–5 minutes and sincerely think:

• “Let all living beings

- be free from fear, - be free from suffering, - move towards right faith, right knowledge, right conduct, - and ultimately attain moksh. May I never become an obstacle in anyone’s path; if possible, may I become a small help.”

This strengthens your original pure feeling and keeps it focused.

b) Practice ahimsā and dayā in small acts

A Tirthankar is the embodiment of ahimsā. You are worried for jīvas – convert that worry into action, as per your capacity:

• Be careful while walking (not to crush insects).
• Speak gently (verbal ahimsā).
• Help poor or suffering people within your means.
• Try to avoid or reduce foods that involve more violence (unnecessary cutting of plants, root vegetables, etc., according to your tradition and capacity).

Each such act supports your inner sankalp.

c) Strengthen samyak-darshan and right knowledge

The real path to any high spiritual state in Jainism is:

• samyak-darshan (right faith)
• samyak-jñān (right knowledge)
• samyak-chāritra (right conduct)

So:

• Listen to pravachans, read simple Jain texts.
• Learn about karma theory, gunasthānas (spiritual stages), Tirthankar-lakṣaṇ, etc.
• Whenever possible, stay close (physically or mentally) to sādhus/sādhvīs / true upādhyays (at least through listening to their teachings).

Your wish to become like a Tirthankar must walk on the exact path they walked – Ratnatraya.

---

7. Is it “wrong” to think “I will be worshipped”?

This is simply human and karmic, not “unforgivable”.

Jain view:

• Worship and respect are by-products of spiritual greatness, not the goal.
• If one seeks worship, that is mān (pride) and binds paap.
• If worship happens but the soul remains in total humility, that is the state of Arihant/Tirthankar.

So:

• Feeling bad after those egoic thoughts is good.
• Just don’t punish yourself excessively;

instead, use that feeling to deepen your vairāgya:

> “See, even in a good desire (Tirthankar-bhav), my ego quickly enters. > This proves how strong moha and mān are. > So let me be more serious about inner purity.”

---

8. In simple words – what is happening to you?

Putting it very simply:

• You have a rare, soft, compassionate heart that sincerely thinks about moksh of all jīvas.
• This is not ordinary and clearly indicates strong past punya and spiritual sanskārs.
• Alongside this, old habits of ego and desire for respect are arising in your mind.
• You are consciously rejecting them and feeling sorry, which is progress.
• If you nourish the compassion and purify the ego, your soul will keep moving towards higher and higher states, in this life and beyond.

Whether or not this leads to Tirthankar-nām-karma in some very distant future is not in our present control. What is in your control:

• to remain honest,
• to keep humility,
• to live ahimsā,
• and to keep the sincere wish: “Let all attain moksh; may I not fall back into selfishness.”

If you protect these inner treasures, then whatever you ultimately become – Tirthankar, Kevali, or any high state – your journey will be very meaningful and very Jain.