I’ll answer in two parts:

1. Jain siddhānt: Samyagdrishti, kaṣhāy and anantānubandhi – what is possible / not possible
2. Your specific incidents and what they mean spiritually

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1. Can a samyagdrishti jīv get intense kaṣhāy? Can it get anantānubandhi?

(A) Four levels of kaṣhāy (anger, pride, deceit, greed)

Jain texts describe four grades of each kaṣhāy:

1. Anantānubandhi – most intense, leads to loss / non‑attainment of samyakdarshan
2. Apratyākhyānāvaraṇ – strong, blocks big vows (mahāvrat)
3. Pratyākhyānāvaraṇ – milder, blocks higher stages of pure conduct
4. Saṃjvalan – very mild, “glow” only, does not destroy samkit

(Names may vary slightly between Digambar/Śvetāmbara, but the idea is the same.)

(B) Where is anantānubandhi found?

By definition:

• Anantānubandhi kaṣhāy is a part of cāritra-mohanīya karma that:

- keeps the soul in mithyātva (wrong belief), - or destroys samyakdarshan if already obtained.

So:

• Gunasthān 1–3 (wrong belief stages): anantānubandhi exists.
• From Gunasthān 4 (samyaktva) upwards:

Anantānubandhi is not present.

If anantānubandhi arises, samkit cannot remain. If samkit is truly present, anantānubandhi cannot arise.

(C) So, can a samyagdrishti have intense kaṣhāy?

Yes, but with limits:

• A samyagdrishti jīv may still have:

- Apratyākhyānāvaraṇ kaṣhāy (quite strong), - Pratyākhyānāvaraṇ, - Saṃjvalan (mild).

• What they cannot have while samyagdrishti is present is:

- Anantānubandhi kaṣhāy.

So:

• Intense irritation, hurt, temporary anger, even strong reactions are possible in a samyagdrishti.
• But deep, long‑term, revengeful enmity that pulls the soul away from dharma for a long period is a sign that, in those periods, samyakdarshan was absent or eclipsed.

You can read a simple overview of samyakdarshan and its types here and here .

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2. Your specific situations – how to understand them in Jain terms

I’ll go through each thing you described and connect it with siddhānt.

(A) The childhood friend, board game, and 15 years of anger

Incidents:

• You damaged his board in anger + lied.
• When truth came out, you felt shock, shame, hurt, and then:

- Stopped talking, - Held strong anger and ego for years, - Rejected his attempts to repair friendship, - Later there were false allegations about you, - You maintained deep hatred for a very long time.

Spiritually, what is going on?

• First fault (your side):

- Dveṣh (aversion/anger) in game → krodh + mān (ego) → hiṃsā of someone’s property + lie.

• Long-term hatred:

- For many years you felt, “He is my enemy, I cannot forgive.” - This is strong krodh + mān repeatedly remembered and nourished.

Is this anantānubandhi?

• True anantānubandhi is:

- Hatred so strong that it kills or prevents samyakdarshan, - Keeps you away from true dharma, - Encourages you to justify your anger and reject right guidance.

From what you wrote:

• Along with this anger, you also:

- Developed deep interest in religion, - Had faith in Pañca-Parameṣṭhi, - Thought seriously about dīkṣhā, - Wanted to become Tīrthaṅkar and help beings.

This shows:

• Your inner faith and attraction to dharma were alive.
• So, this long anger is serious kaṣhāy, but not pure anantānubandhi that totally blocks samkit.

More accurate to say:

• For some periods:

- Your faith-bhāva (samyaktva-bhāva) was strong (reading, praying, wanting mokṣha).

• In some other periods:

- Under intense hurt-ego, your view became clouded, closer to mithyādrishti‑like bhāva (at least about that person/situation).

So:

• Yes, such prolonged anger can exist in a jīv who is capable of samyakdarshan.
• No, while that anger is dominating, the soul is not expressing samyak bhāva.

The positive news: You have now:

• Realised “those years I was wrong.”
• Felt deep regret.
• Mentally apologised and accepted your fault.

In Jain dharma, this pratikraman‑bhāva changes the quality of the bound karma. It cannot erase the past, but it softens and shortens the fruits.

You can see simple guidance on kaṣhāy and their reduction here .

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(B) Teacher scolded you; you stayed quiet; now anger still flares

• At that time you remained silent.
• Now, in memory, ego and anger flare up, and you feel:

- “I should have replied properly.” - Then you try to calm down, apologise mentally.

This shows:

• There is leftover ego + hurt (mān + krodh) in smṛti (memory).
• But there is also:

- vivek (discrimination) – you know replying harshly was not truly right. - Repentance – you mentally apologise and try to pacify mind.

Is this compatible with samkit?

• Yes.

Even a samyagdrishti at upasham / kṣayopaśam samkit level can: - Experience waves of anger in memory, - Feel “I should have given a good reply,” - But not actually go and take revenge or delight in her suffering.

This would be stronger than ideal, but still within apratyākhyānāvaraṇ / pratyākhyānāvaraṇ kaṣhāy range, not necessarily anantānubandhi.

Your effort to watch it, calm it, and ask for forgiveness is exactly the Jain method to reduce such kaṣhāy.

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(C) Elder relative – you replied harshly, then cried and repented

• He scolded you harshly.
• You answered with full force, so much that another relative cried seeing it.
• Within minutes, you:

- Felt deep guilt, - Cried, - Apologised.

This pattern is very important:

• Immediate or quick repentance after a fall =

sign of spiritual sensitivity, not of permanent fall.

• Jain āchāryas say:

- “Kasāy uṭhe to turant bujh jāe, śānt karne kā prayatna kare” – when a passion arises, the jīv with some samkit-bhāva quickly realises and works to stop it.

So again:

• The outburst itself was serious (strong krodh, mān).
• The swift regret and apology are a good sign of inner samyak‑pravṛtti.

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(D) Cruel thoughts of killing your teacher – does this bind nikachit karma? Can a samyagdrishti have such thoughts?

You wrote:

• You were beaten by teacher.
• For about 6 years you carried very intense thoughts of:

- Killing her brutally, - Imagining hitting her on the head, etc.

• Only about 3 years ago, you did mental apology and sought forgiveness.

Let’s break this carefully.

1. About nikachit karma

• Nikachit karma = already‑fixed, cannot be avoided, must give a specific fruition (like Mahāvīr’s last body‑pain, etc.).
• It is usually connected with:

- Very intense, completed action: actual severe violence, - Done with strong passion and wrong belief.

Just thinking cruel thoughts, even repeatedly, is very heavy pāp‑bandh, but not automatically “nikachit”.

From a simple explanation on nikachit karma:

Key points for you:

• Imagining killing someone with joy and hatred is:

- A form of bhāva‑hiṃsā (mental violence), - It does bind very dark karma if enjoyed and repeated.

• But:

- Nikachit is a technical, very extreme category; - We cannot easily declare, “This specific thought = nikachit.” - Jain āchāryas are cautious about labelling something nikachit.

What is fully clear:

• Those 6 years of cruel fantasies were spiritually very harmful,
• But your later realisation, guilt, and mental pratikraman reduce the intensity.

2. Can a samyagdrishti have such “killing” thoughts?

• A true, stable samyagdrishti (especially kṣāyik samkit) would:

- Not enjoy or nourish such brutal thinking for years. - There may be a flash of “I feel like hitting” in a moment of shock, but it would be immediately rejected as wrong.

So for your case:

• During those 6 years of intense revenge‑thoughts,

your inner state was not that of present samyakdarshan.

• You might:

- Have had some faith in Jain dharma in general, - But the actual bhāva was strongly mithyā‑coloured by dveṣh.

This does not mean:

• “You can never get samkit.”

It only means:

• At that period, your kaṣhāy was so strong that samkit was not manifest.

Today, as you:

• See it as a grave mistake,
• Feel true regret,
• Seek forgiveness,
• Try to practice ahiṃsā and kṣhamā,

this is moving toward samyak‑bhāva, possibly preparing for future samyakdarshan.

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3. Upasham samyaktva, kṣayopaśam, and your question “Was it only upsham samyaktva which I lost?”

Jain siddhānt speaks of:

1. Aupaśamika Samkit – right faith due to temporary suppression of mohanīya.

- Very unstable, can vanish quickly if strong kaṣhāy rises.

1. Kṣayopaśamika Samkit – mixed; some deluding karma destroyed, some suppressed.

- More stable than the first, but still vulnerable to strong passions.

1. Kṣāyik Samkit – permanent, by complete destruction of darśana-mohanīya;

- Here anantānubandhi and some other kaṣhāy are destroyed, never to return.

So your possibility:

• It is possible that:

- At some time in life you had moments / phases of genuine samyak-bhāva, closer to aupasham or kṣayopaśam samkit, through: - Strong faith in Pañca-Parameṣṭhi, - Deep interest in dharma, - Desire for dīkṣhā, - Detachment thoughts.

• Then, due to:

- Very strong anger, ego, revengeful thoughts, - That early, tender samkit‑bhāva may have been covered or fallen.

In Jainism this is not unusual: Samkit can arise, then fall, then arise again after many lives. For most of us, it is not a straight line.

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4. What does all this mean for you – right now?

From what you wrote, I see clearly:

• You have conscience – you suffer when you do wrong.
• You have shraddhā in Pañca-Parameṣṭhi.
• You want mokṣha, Tīrthaṅkaratva, dīkṣhā – even if far, these are pure aspirations.
• You have started doing:

- Mental pratikraman, - Meditation, - Apology in mind to those you hurt.

These are strong signs of spiritual potential, even if past kaṣhāy were very dark.

What to do practically (in simple Jain terms)

1. Daily pratikraman (at least mentally)

- Recall each person: - the friend, - the teachers, - the elder relative, - Say from the heart: - “Jo kuch bhi apke prati krodh, mān, dveṣh se kiya, so sab mithyā thā. Main ātmā hūn, yah sab agyān se huā. Michchhāmi Dukkaḍaṃ.” - Resolve: - “Ab usi bhool ko dobārā nahi dohraūṅgā.”

1. Maitri-bhāvanā (friendliness)

- Daily, even for 2–3 minutes: - Think: “Sab jīv mere mitra hain. Main kisi ka dushman nahi, koi mera dushman nahi. Sab ko kalyāṇ mile.” - Think of that old friend specifically and give him maitrī in mind.

1. Ālocanā in front of Arihant/Dev

- While doing Navkār Mantra or sitting quietly, - Mentally narrate your faults in simple words, - Ask for strength not to repeat, not “instant forgiveness only.”

1. Watch thoughts of revenge now

- If a harsh thought arises: - Immediately recognise: “Yeh mohanīya karma hai, main nahi.” - Do one deep breath, repeat Navkār once with awareness. - Replace the thought with: “May this being also move towards peace.”

1. Study little but regularly

- Even 5–10 minutes reading / listening on: - Samyakdarshan, - Kaṣhāy and their control, - Forgiveness (kṣhamā). - This steadily weakens the inner support of anger and ego.

For basic reinforcement of Ratnatraya (three jewels), you can see:

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5. Direct answers to your key questions

• Q: Can a samyagdrishti jīv get intense kaṣhāy?

A: Yes, a samyagdrishti can still have quite strong kaṣhāy (apratyākhyānāvaraṇ / pratyākhyānāvaraṇ), but they are aware it is wrong, do not nourish it with pride, and work to calm it.

• Q: Can a samyagdrishti jīv get anantānubandhi kaṣhāy?

A: No. By definition, true samyakdarshan cannot coexist with anantānubandhi kaṣhāy. If anantānubandhi arises, samkit is lost; if samkit is present, anantānubandhi is absent.

• Q: Can a samyagdrishti have thoughts of killing someone brutally?

A: A momentary flash in shock may occur in a progressing soul, but nourishing brutal fantasies for years is a sign that, in that period, samkit‑bhāva was not present. It shows very strong dveṣh, not the nature of a stable samyagdrishti.

• Q: Can such thoughts bind nikachit karma?

A: They definitely bind heavy demerit (pāp), especially when enjoyed for long. But nikachit karma is a special, very fixed form; we cannot simply declare from outside that “this thinking alone = nikachit.” Your later repentance and change of heart help reduce and soften whatever has been bound.

• Q: If I’m truly samyagdrishti, can I have all these thoughts? Or was it only upśham samyaktva that I quickly lost?

A: - Having such long, revengeful thoughts indicates that, during those times, samyakdarshan was not manifest. - It is possible you had some flashes or early form of samyak-bhāva (aupasham, etc.), which then got covered or lost due to strong kaṣhāy. - More important than labelling is this: today you are turning towards samyak‑bhāva, and that is exactly the Jain path.

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Your honesty, guilt, and desire to understand all this in light of Jain dharma are themselves very precious. Keep using them for true pratikraman, maitri-bhāvanā, and gentle inner change.