You are seeing your inner world very honestly, and that itself is a big spiritual step.

Let’s look at this in a very simple Jain way.

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1. What is actually happening inside?

From a Jain viewpoint:

• The teacher was only a nimitta (instrument).
• The real cause of your pain and repeated thoughts is your own past karmas + present kashāy (anger, ego).

Right now you are experiencing:

• Krodh – anger when you remember the incident
• Mān – “I should have answered back, how could she speak like that to me?”
• Himsā in thought – wishing to hurt back by words (and sometimes even more)
• Dwand (inner conflict) – one moment “I should have replied”, other moment “No, I should calm down.”

This is very normal for a jiva bound in samsar. The problem is not that these thoughts appear. The real question in Jain Dharma is:

> “What do I do now, when they appear?”

That decides new karma.

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2. Suppression vs. Shuddhikaran (purification)

You wrote: > “I’m just able to suppress but not able to destroy this anger.”

• Suppressing means: pushing the anger down, but with heat and pain still inside.
• Shuddhikaran means: seeing it clearly, repenting, and letting the heat reduce slowly.

Jain path never says, “Just push it down.” It says:

1. See it – “Yes, this is krodh, mān arising in me.”
2. Own it – “This is my fault, not the teacher’s. I am creating new bondage by reacting inside.”
3. Soften it – with forgiveness, right thinking, and pratikraman.

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3. How to look at that incident in right way?

When the memory comes, try to change the inner language:

Instead of:

• “She insulted me, I should have replied.”

• “Because of my own old karma, this harsh speech came to me through that teacher.”
• “She is only a postman delivering my own letter. Why be angry with postman?”
• “By getting angry now, I am writing another bad letter for my future.”

In Jain view, hearing harsh words is result of:

• past himsā of speech (taunting, insulting, harsh talking) done by us in this or past lives.

So, when you remember that hurt, say inside:

> “This is my karma finishing. If I stay calm and forgiving now, it will burn and end.”

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4. Is just “thinking of replying” also himsā?

Yes, but understand properly:

• Thinking with joy of hurting – is bhāva-himsā (mental violence).
• Actually replying with sharp words – is vachan-himsā.
• Doing physical harm – is kāyik-himsā.

In karma, intention (bhāva) is most important.

You honestly admitted: > “Deep hatred, revenge, cruelty – joy in harming the other – no feeling of regret or softness…”

This shows intensity of kashāy is high when memory comes. But you also wrote:

> “I try to calm myself down, apologize to her in mind many times, control myself…”

This shows another side:

• There is samyaktva-bij (seed of right vision) inside you.
• The soul wants to move toward ahimsā and kshamā (forgiveness).

So both sides are active. Your duty is to strengthen the good side again and again, without guilt and without giving up.

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5. Practical Jain steps you can start now

(A) Small daily pratikraman for THIS incident

Every time it comes in mind (or at least once a day):

1. Accept honestly

“Today, again anger, hatred, revenge came in my mind toward that teacher.”

1. Alochana + Kshamāpanā (confession + asking forgiveness)

In simple words you can say inside:

> “Whatever anger, hatred, or wish to do himsā I felt towards you (teacher), > by mind, speech, or body, knowingly or unknowingly, > I confess it and ask genuine forgiveness.”

1. Resolve (Pratyākhyān)

> “From now on, when this memory comes, I will try to see it as my own karma and respond with forgiveness, not revenge.”

This is real pratikraman in spirit, even if you do it in your own words.

You can read more about pratikraman and its purpose here:

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(B) Forgiveness practice: “Khamemi Savva Jive”

Whenever the thought flares up, immediately repeat slowly:

> “Khamemi savva jive, > Savve jivā khamantu me. > Mitti me savva bhuesu, > Veram majjha na kenaï.”

Simple meaning:

• “I forgive all living beings.
• May all living beings forgive me.
• I have friendship with all.
• I have enmity with none.”

Even if you don’t fully feel it yet, keep repeating. Slowly, the inner hardness melts.

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(C) Change the “movie” you replay

Right now, when mind remembers, it plays one movie:

> “Teacher scolded me unjustly – I stayed quiet – I should have replied – I was weak – I’ll show her…”

Consciously create a new movie:

1. You see yourself sitting calmly, not replying, thinking:

- “This is my old karma finishing.” - “True strength is to remain peaceful.”

1. You bow in mind to the teacher:

- “May she also get right knowledge and happiness.”

1. You see yourself walking away light, free, without hatred.

Play this new movie again and again. The old sanskār loses strength; new sanskār of kshamā, titikṣā (forbearance) becomes strong.

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(D) Work on mān (ego) behind the anger

Many times pain is not only “She scolded me” but:

• “How could she scold me like that?”
• “She should know my value.”

This is mān. When you notice this, tell yourself:

> “My true worth is soul – untouched by praise or insult. > Her words cannot touch my real Self. Only my reaction binds me.”

Remember: Mahāvīr Swāmī bore extreme insults, beating, and torture with complete equanimity. Our tiny insult compared to that is nothing. By remembering his uttam kshamā, your own anger looks smaller and easier to drop.

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(E) Simple meditation when thoughts come

1. Sit quietly.
2. Watch the anger in the chest/head like a cloud passing.
3. Tell yourself:

- “I am drashtā (the knower), not the anger.” - “These are only uday of old karmas.”

Do slow deep breathing 5–10 times, mentally repeating:

• “Shānti… shānti… shānti…”

This reduces the physical heat and speed of thoughts.

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6. Do these thoughts make you a “bad person”?

No.

In Jain Dharma:

• A “bad” person is one who enjoys kashāy and does not wish to change.
• A seeker is one who notices kashāy, feels responsible, and tries to purify.

You are clearly in second group.

So:

• Do not add extra guilt: “I am terrible, I’m full of hatred.”
• Instead say: “These kashāy are there; I am working to reduce them through samyak drishti and pratikraman.”

Guilt is another form of self‑violence (atma-himsā). Replace guilt with responsible effort.

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7. Very small but powerful sankalp (resolve)

Every morning, make this short vow in your own words:

> “Today, if the memory of that teacher comes, > I will try to see it as my own karma, > and I will not let myself enjoy thoughts of revenge. > If I fail, I will do pratikraman and try again.”

Even if you fail 100 times, keep the same resolve on 101st time. This is real Jain sādhanā in daily life.

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If you wish, you may also gently reduce overall krodh and mān by:

• short samayik daily,
• regular svādhyāy (study) of Jain teachings,
• and general practice of ahimsā in thoughts, speech, and actions, as explained here:

By continuing these steps, the sharpness of this memory will slowly fade, and in its place you will feel lightness, compassion, and self‑respect based on true inner strength, not revenge.