I will answer only from Jain Darshan, slowly and in parts, because you shared many deep things.

I will not judge you. I will just show what Jain Agam and Acharyas explain about:

• Abhavi / Bhavya
• Samyagdrishti and anger / cruel thoughts
• Nikachit karma
• “Contradictory” feelings – very high bhav and very low bhav in the same person
• What you can practically do now

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1. About Abhavi Jiva – are you Abhavi?

In Jainism:

• Bhavya jiva = one who can get Samyak Darshan and Moksha some time.
• Abhavya jiva = one who will never turn towards Moksha. They never get real interest in true Dharma.

Very important points:

1. No ordinary person can know “I am abhavya” or “that person is abhavya”.

Only a Kevali Bhagwan can know all details of any soul.

1. Our Acharyas say in many places (simple sense):

- A jiva who worries, “Will I get Moksha or not?” - Who feels pain on hearing about endless samsar, - Who cries for Abhavi jiva, - Who develops deep interest in dharma, - Who does pratikraman, guru-vandan, has faith in Panch Parmeshthi, Such a jiva is definitely Bhavya.

An Abhavi jiva does not feel this type of nirved (deep disgust for samsar) and mumukshuta (burning desire for Moksha).

From your own story:

• You cried thinking about Abhavi jiva.
• You asked: “Will all jivas get Moksha?”
• You got scared that maybe you are Abhavi.
• You developed immense desire to become a Tirthankar, to help all jivas.
• You did Guru-vandan 108 times for months.
• You thought of Diksha.
• You feel deep guilt when you hurt or get angry. You do alochana, pratikraman in mind, say “Michhami Dukkadam”, “Vosirāmi”.

These are all very strong proofs of Bhavya-bhav.

If someone were really Abhavi, they would not:

• worry about Moksha,
• feel pain about samsar,
• repent so intensely,
• have such deep Shraddha in Panch Parmeshthi.

So, from Jain viewpoint: Your own feelings and actions are strong signs that you are not Abhavi.

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2. Can a Samyagdrishti have anger, ego, hatred, even for years?

Yes. According to Jain philosophy of 14 Gunasthans:

• At 4th Gunasthan (Samyak Darshan):

- Mithyatva (wrong belief) is broken, - but anger (krodh), pride (maan), deceit (maya), greed (lobh) are still there, sometimes very strong.

• These passions reduce step by step in higher stages.

Till even 7th Gunasthan, krodh–maan–maya–lobh can exist, though milder.

So:

• Samyagdrishti does not mean “no anger”.
• It means: the soul has right belief about Tattvas and Moksha Marga, but is still fighting old karmic habits.

Therefore:

• Harboring anger against your friend for many years,
• Feeling ego,
• Even lying, blaming, breaking friendship,

all these can happen in a Samyagdrishti, because Darshan Mohaniya is only partially destroyed, but Charitra Mohaniya (conduct-deluding karma) is still very strong.

Does that mean this is “okay”? No. But it means: this alone does not prove you are not Samyagdrishti.

What really matters now is:

• You recognized your mistake,
• You feel deep regret,
• You want to change.

This inner turn (parivartan) is exactly what Jain Dharma calls Pratikraman.

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3. Your strong guilt and regret – how Jain Dharma sees it

You gave many examples:

• Not giving water to the poor lady and child.
• Breaking your friend’s game and lying.
• Not forgiving him even when he tried to reconcile.
• Harsh replies to elder family member.
• Hatred for teacher and violent thoughts for years.
• Later, deep regret, tears, apologizing in mind, Michhami Dukkadam.

In Jain view:

1. Original wrong actions / angry bhav bind paap karma.
2. True, deep repentance (ālōchanā–pratikraman–pratyākhyān):

- Reduces the strength of already bound karma. - Stops new heavy karma from binding.

So your present condition is:

• Past: many wrong reactions under krodh & maan.
• Now: clear awareness “I was wrong”, pain, and effort to change.

This is a good spiritual sign, not a bad one.

You should not drown in self-hatred. Instead, use that guilt as fuel to become more humble, more careful.

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4. Very cruel thoughts – killing teacher, harming Tirthankars, sadhus, all jivas

You asked:

> 9 years back … I had too many cruel thoughts of killing her… for 6 years… > Now when I think of Tirthankars, Kevalis, Sadhus, I get bad thoughts of harming / killing them, though I don’t want such thoughts at all.

We must separate three levels:

1. Random arising of a thought (due to past karmas’ udaya).
2. Enjoying or feeding that thought (finding pleasure, justifying it).
3. Turning it into decision and action.

4.1. How karma binds here?

According to Jain karma theory:

• Karma binds mainly with intention + intensity of passions.
• A thought that comes unwanted, and you

- feel shocked, - feel deep dukh, - immediately say “Vosirāmi, Michhami Dukkadam”, - and try to stop it,

has much lighter karmic bandha than:

- repeatedly enjoying the thought, - planning it with pleasure, - or actually doing violence.

In your case:

• Earlier, toward your teacher, you say the hatred and “I want to kill her” type thoughts lasted years and you “held on” to them. That can surely bind heavy ashubha karma.
• But in more recent cases:

- The moment you get a bad thought towards Tirthankars / Sadhus, - You immediately feel pain, horror, and regret, - You do alochana, vosirāmi, Michhami Dukkadam,

this reduces the gravity considerably.

4.2. Intrusive thoughts during puja / dhyan – why they come?

This is very common when someone starts walking seriously on Dharma Marga:

• When you bring your mind to Panch Parmeshthi,
• Old mohaniya karmas (anger, hatred tendencies) start rising,
• Like when you stir a glass of water with mud at the bottom – the dirt comes up.

So during bhakti, dhyan, guru-vandan, suddenly:

• opposite thoughts arise (harming Tirthankars, insulting, killing all beings, etc.).
• You are shocked: “How can I think this while I’m doing dharma?”

Jain understanding:

• These are udaya of old karmas, not your true self.
• Your real nature is visible in:

- your pain on seeing these thoughts, - your repentance, - your strong desire to protect all jivas and honor Tirthankars.

So, don’t accept those thoughts as “me”. See them as “rising karma” which you are rejecting by vosirāmi and pratikraman.

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5. Does this bind Nikachit Karma?

You asked:

> Can thinking of killing someone brutally bind nikachit karma?

Points from Jain Karma theory:

1. Nikachit karma = a type of karma which, once bound, must definitely give its result; it cannot be avoided or weakened by any effort. It is extremely intense.

1. Generally, very strong anantanubandhi passions with extreme cruelty and actual violence are the cause of such karmas. Just random thoughts by themselves are usually not described as binding Nikachit, unless they are stable, enjoyed, and intensely one-pointed for a very long time.

1. No ordinary person can know:

- “This is my Nikachit karma.” - “I just bound Nikachit karma.”

Only a Kevali knows all details.

For you:

• Yes, long-lasting cruel thoughts can bind heavy ashubha karmas.
• But:

- You have now repented, - You have done ALOCHANĀ–PRATIKRAMAN mentally (and can also do formally), - You are deeply afraid of extending samsar, All this reduces the intensity of many karmas (except any that are already nikachit – which we cannot know).

Jain Acharyas do not tell us to sit and fear: “Maybe this is Nikachit karm.” They tell us:

• Focus on present bhav,
• Do Pratikraman, Swadhyay, Dhyan, Samayik,
• Reduce anger, ego, hatred step by step.

So, don’t torture yourself with: “Did I bind Nikachit karma?” Instead, ask: “Right now, in this minute, what bhav am I holding?”

That is fully in your control.

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6. How can such big contradiction exist in one person?

You described:

• Immense compassion for all souls.
• Desire to become Tirthankar, take Diksha, help everyone.
• Deep nirved when you saw the uncle’s death poster and understood the meaninglessness of worldly chasing.
• At the same time:

- Extreme anger, - Long hatred, - Wish to kill someone, - Bad thoughts even about Tirthankars and Sadhus, - Difficulty in forgiving, and ego.

Jain Darshan has a very clear answer: this is the normal state of a beginning spiritual person under strong Mohaniya karma.

• One jiva, one soul,
• But many karmas rising at different times:

- Sometimes punya-karmas: you feel devotion, compassion, desire for Moksha. - Sometimes paap-karmas: you feel cruelty, jealousy, hatred.

Our Acharyas say:

• Soul’s true nature is pure, vitarag, full of infinite knowledge and bliss.
• But due to past habits (sanskar) and karmas, we see waves of opposite bhavs.
• On the path, you don’t become perfect in one jump.

You swing between high and low for a time.

So, this contradiction itself is not a proof of failure. It is a sign of struggle – and struggle is often the starting of genuine spiritual life.

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7. Specific incidents – how to look at them now

7.1. The water incident (poor lady & child)

• You did not intentionally refuse. The car moved suddenly.
• Later you felt immense sorrow and even tried to do tapas (not drinking for a day) as a self-punishment.
• You could not continue the fast – that is not a sin.

Jain view:

• Helpful lesson: learn to be more alert and compassionate in the moment next time.
• Don’t stay stuck in self-punishment; instead, vow:

“Whenever I see such need again, I will respond more quickly.” This is Pratyakhyan.

7.2. The friend and the board game

Original fault:

• You damaged his game out of anger.
• You lied when asked.
• You harbored hatred against him for many years,
• Even when he tried many times to reconcile.

Good side now:

• You now clearly see “It was my mistake from the start.”
• You feel deep regret and pain.
• You mentally apologized and accepted your ego and anger.

What can you do more?

• If it is practically possible and safe, you can meet or message him simply:

- Admit your mistake, - Ask forgiveness, - Don’t expect anything from him.

Whether he forgives or not is his karma; Your alochana–pratikraman will be complete from your side.

If not possible to contact:

• Keep him in your heart every day in Kshamapana:

- “I forgive all jivas; may all jivas forgive me.”

7.3. The harsh answer to elder & teacher

• Past you: reacted with full anger, hurt others.
• Now you: sometimes still react, but often remain quiet, try to control, apologize later, cry in regret.

This is clear spiritual progress:

• Before: reaction + no awareness it is wrong.
• Now: sometimes reaction, but awareness + regret + effort.

Jain Dharma says: Step by step reduce the duration and intensity of anger:

1. First: You notice your anger after many hours – regret later.
2. Then: You notice after a few minutes – you apologize.
3. Later: You notice anger during the quarrel – you stop midway.
4. Finally: You notice anger as it starts inside – you let it go quietly.

You are already between 1 and 2 in many stories you told.

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8. About desire to become Tirthankar

Aspiration:

• Feeling: “I want to become Tirthankar, help every jiva, then only go to Moksha.”
• Doing Guru-vandan 108 times, serious dharma interest, nirved for samsar.

From Jain view:

• Desire for Tirthankar-bhav is a very high bhav, connected with Tirthankar Nam-karma.
• But it must be held with humility, not with pride (“I am great”).

Acharyas advise:

• Focus first on becoming firm in Samyak Darshan and Sadachar (right conduct).
• Tirthankar-pad comes by:

- immense old punya, - extremely pure compassion, - almost complete absence of anger/ego/greed etc.

So your present desire is still mixed – some genuine compassion, some ego & imagination. That is okay at your stage. Slowly purify it into selfless compassion and vitaragata.

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9. Are you really Samyagdrishti?

I cannot “declare” your Gunasthan – that is not possible for anyone except a Kevali.

But I can say this based on Jain principles:

Signs in you that match Bhavya / near Samyagdrishti:

• Deep Shraddha in Panch Parmeshthi.
• Belief that Jain Dharma is true and Moksha is real.
• Strong fear of endless samsar.
• Repeated nirved (disgust with worldly cycle) – like when you saw uncle’s death poster.
• Desire for Diksha.
• Regular Pratikraman, Guru-vandan, saying Vosirāmi, Michhami Dukkadam.
• Intense remorse after wrong thoughts / actions.
• Desire to protect all jivas and relieve their suffering.

These are very strong Bhavya and Mumukshu signs. A real Abhavi jiva does not show this pattern.

Your doubts:

> If I am truly Samyagdrishti, can I have all these thoughts?

Jain answer:

• Yes, up to 7th Gunasthan a jiva can:

- get angry, - be egoistic, - have jealousy, - even keep hatred for years.

What changes gradually is:

• frequency,
• intensity,
• and your inner stand towards these faults.

In you, we already see:

• Hatred is weakening,
• Awareness is increasing,
• You are fighting against your own anger and ego.

This fight itself is a sign of spiritual life, not of Abhavya.

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10. What to do practically now (step-by-step)

To reduce your fear and contradiction, you can do:

1. Daily Kshamapana (forgiveness bhav)

At least once a day, calmly recite from heart: “Khamemi savve jiva, savve jiva khamantu me; Mitti me savva bhuesu, veram majjha na kenai.” Then say, “Michhami Dukkadam,” meaning: “May all my faults become fruitless; I do not wish enmity with anyone.”

1. Formal or mental Pratikraman

- Recall specific events: friend, teacher, relative, violent fantasies. - For each, do: - Alochana – “I did this wrong.” - Pratikraman – “I regret it.” - Pratyakhyan – “I resolve not to repeat, or at least to try my best not to.”

1. When bad thoughts arise about Tirthankars / Sadhus / jivas

- Don’t panic or think “I am evil”. - See them as old karmas rising. - Gently say in mind: - “This is not my true nature.” - “Vosirāmi, Michhami Dukkadam.” - Shift attention back to Navkar Mantra or Tirthankar virtues.

1. Handle anger step by step

- When you remember past insults (teacher, elder), and anger rises: - Consciously think: “Whatever I suffered was also my past karma udaya.” - Wish them no harm. - Pray: “May we both move towards peace and dharma.” - If you slip and reply harshly again: - Apologize as soon as possible, - Learn from it; don’t drown in over-guilt.

1. Swadhyay on Mohaniya Karma

- Study (even in simple language) about: - Krodh, Maan, Maya, Lobh, - How they bind karma, - How they are slowly reduced. - This gives you clear map and reduces confusion.

1. Remember this sentence often

You can repeat to yourself:

> “I am a Bhavya jiva under heavy Mohaniya karmas, > not an Abhavi jiva. > My present effort, repentance, and Shraddha > are purifying my soul.”

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Final reassurance

• Your pain, tears, and fear of hurting any jiva are not signs of Abhavya.
• Your contradictions (high bhav vs low bhav) are exactly what Jain Dharma describes for a jiva fighting old karmas in early spiritual stages.
• Your repeated turn towards Panch Parmeshthi and repentance after every fall are very precious.

Do not conclude: “I am bad, I am Abhavi, I will be in samsar forever.”

Instead, understand in Jain way:

• These experiences are your classroom.
• Anger, guilt, cruel thoughts are lessons sent by your karmas.
• By seeing them clearly, repenting, and choosing better bhav now, you are already walking towards purification and, one day, Moksha.

Slowly, steadily, keep:

• Navkar on your lips,
• Panch Parmeshthi in your heart,
• Forgiveness in your relationships,
• And awareness on your own anger and ego.

This is the true Jain path, and you are already on it.