I’ll answer in three parts:

1. About your incidents and thoughts – in Jain terms
2. Can a samyag‑dṛṣṭi jīva have such thoughts / feelings?
3. What you can do now – practically, in Jain dharma

I will keep it simple, even though your question is very deep.

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1. Understanding what happened in Jain language

(a) Childhood / youth anger – ludo incident, teacher, elder relative

• You damaged the board game, lied, felt hatred, ego, revenge, and long‑term anger.
• With the teacher, you mentally enjoyed the idea of harming her for years.
• With the elder, you sometimes answered harshly, then later repented and cried.

In Jain terms:

• These are krodh (anger), mān (ego), dvesh (hatred) – all are cāritra‑mohanīya karma (conduct‑deluding karma). ( jainknowledge.com)
• Having sustained enjoyment in thoughts of hurting someone is anantanubandhi / apratyākhyāna type passions – serious bandha, but still within cāritra‑mohanīya.

Important: Even very intense anger or revenge does not automatically mean abhavya (incapable of moksha). It means heavy bondage, not “permanent hopelessness.”

Your later regret, tears, acceptance of mistake, and inner apology are saṁvara + nirjarā (stopping and shedding of karmas). They show softening of passions, not hardening.

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(b) Thoughts of killing teacher, killing all beings, harming Tirthankars, sādhus, kevalīs

You wrote:

• Thoughts of “killing teacher brutally,”
• Thoughts of “killing Tirthankars, sādhus, kevalīs, all jīvas”
• Especially while doing bhakti, and you hate these thoughts, feel shock and pain, and immediately say “vosirāmi / micchāmi dukkaḍaṁ,” do Aloyan etc.

Jain view:

1. Mere arising of a thought is not equal to doing the act.

- Karma depends on intensity of raga‑dveṣa, approval, enjoyment, and repetition with consent, not on one stray image in the mind.

1. There is a difference between:

- “I want to kill; I enjoy imagining it; I feel it is right” vs. - “Some horrible image comes; I feel scared, guilty, and reject it immediately.”

In your case now (present phase):

• The thoughts come against your will.
• You do not approve them.
• You feel pain, repent, recite Aloyana, ask forgiveness immediately.

So, right now these are more like:

• Old karmic impressions (saṁskāras) surfacing,
• Plus chanchalta / anxiety / obsessive tendency of mind,
• Not fresh, deliberate anantanubandhi dvesh.

Yes, such thoughts can bind karma, but because you instantly repent, the intensity is much lower, and you are also doing saṁvara and nirjarā at the same time.

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(c) Guilt about the poor lady with injured child

You:

• Could not give water (circumstances + lack of alertness),
• Later felt deep regret, tried a small tapas (no water for a day),
• Could not fully keep it, but the karuṇā (compassion) was genuine and strong.

Jain view:

• The main point here is dayā / karuṇā that arose in you.
• This is exact opposite of abhavya‑bhāva.
• Such compassion is a sign of spiritual softness, not hardness.

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(d) Deep attraction to dharma, desire for moksha, desire to become Tirthankar

You mention:

• Accepting Jain dharma as only true path, faith in Pañcha‑Parameṣṭhi,
• Doing Guruvandana / Tikuto Ka path 108 times,
• Bhāva of dīkṣā, crying due to nirved (disgust for saṁsār),
• Worrying about abhavya jīvas, feeling pain that some never attain moksha,
• Desire: “I want to become a Tirthankar and help all to moksha.”

These are very strong signs of samyaktva‑sāmarthya (capacity for right faith):

• Śraddhā in tattvas – karma, moksha, paap‑puṇya, etc. ( jainknowledge.com)
• Nirved, dayā, bhakti, desire for dīkṣā – all are listed in Jain texts as marks of samyag‑dṛṣṭi or its nearness.

Such feelings cannot arise in a truly abhavya soul. Abhavya is extremely rare and spiritually very hard.

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2. Can a samyag‑dṛṣṭi jīva have such contradictions?

You wrote an important list:

> What can a samyag‑dṛṣṭi jīva NOT have? > – Enjoyment of cruelty > – Pride in violence > – Denial of karma > – Justification of hatred > – Absence of repentance

Let’s separate three things:

1. Mithyā‑dṛṣṭi (wrong belief) – gunasthān 1
2. Miśra / mixed belief – gunasthān 3
3. Samyag‑dṛṣṭi (right belief) – starts from gunasthān 4 upwards ( jainknowledge.com)

(A) About belief (darshan)

Ask:

• Did you accept Pañcha‑Parameṣṭhi as supreme?
• Did you believe in karma, rebirth, moksha, and Tirthankars as only true guides?
• Did you reject other dev‑deva as ultimate refuge and hold Jain path as only true path?

From your description, yes – at least from around the time your mother explained Jain dharma and you accepted it, you had strong faith in Jain tattvas.

This is exactly the definition of samyak‑darshan / samkit – firm, non‑hypocritical faith in tattvas. ( jainknowledge.com)

So darshan‑level, very likely:

• Before: mithyā‑dṛṣṭi / miśra (childhood confusion, no clear dharma view).
• Later: samkit (right faith) or at least strong samkit‑sāmarthya, even if unstable at times.

Yes, it is possible:

• To have upśama‑samkit (suppressed samkit) or kṣāyopśama samkit,
• Then due to strong kashāya, fall again to miśra or mithyātva for some time,
• Then rise again.

From the 14‑gunasthān doctrine, such ups and downs are accepted and described clearly. ( jainknowledge.com)

So what you suggested:

> “Is it possible I was in mithyatva, then had upsham samkit, then again fell into mithyatva due to intense passions?”

Yes, this is completely possible and actually quite common for non‑muni jīvas in saṁsār.

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(B) About conduct (charitra)

A samyag‑dṛṣṭi human can still:

• Get angry, feel ego, feel jealousy,
• Have ugly, violent, sexual, or cruel thoughts,
• Fall into dvesh towards people who hurt them,
• Later regret and repent.

What they cannot have steadily is:

• Firm belief that cruelty, violence, hatred are good,
• Denial of karma, moksha, Pañcha‑Parameṣṭhi,
• Zero repentance ever, complete pride in their sins.

You:

• Are full of repentance,
• Do Aloyana, Pratikraman,
• Fear karma, fear mahamohaniya,
• Seek forgiveness and inner reform.

This is not the profile of a mithyā‑dṛṣṭi who enjoys sin proudly. This is a struggling jīva with strong dharma consciousness.

So yes:

• A samyag‑dṛṣṭi jīva can still have many bad thoughts and kashāyas,
• But such a jīva does not approve them from the heart and tends to repent sooner or later.

You already see this inside yourself.

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(C) About nikāchit karma and “thinking of killing”

Nikāchit means: A karma must give its result; it cannot be avoided by any upāya, only its intensity or duration may be changed.

• Merely thinking once of harming someone does not guarantee nikāchit bandha.
• Nikāchit is usually the result of very intense, repeated, delighted kashāya, often along with actual gross violence.

Your case:

• In earlier years, your anger and revenge‑thoughts were strong, sustained for some years.
• That can be serious bandha, but:

- You did not actually kill or physically assault. - You now feel deep remorse. - You have bhakti, nirved, dayā.

So:

• We cannot say from outside, “This is definitely nikāchit.”
• But we can say with confidence:

- Repentance, pratikraman, bhakti, and change in conduct definitely reduce intensity and future suffering of these karmas.

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3. What you can do now – from Jain dharma viewpoint

1) Stop judging your status, start working on your bhāva

Instead of “Am I samyag‑dṛṣṭi or mithyā?”, focus on:

• Right now, in this moment, can I reduce my anger and hatred by even 1%?
• Can I respond more gently than before?
• Can I increase moments of dayā, kṣamā, vinay each day?

The exact gunasthān or samkit‑type is ultimately known precisely only to Kevalis. Your job is to strengthen Jain bhāva, weaken kashāya.

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2) Handle intrusive violent thoughts in a Jain way

When bad thoughts arise during bhakti:

1. Do not panic; do not believe “I am evil.”

- Understand: these are old karmic waves, not your true soul.

1. Gently reject the thought:

- “This is not my real nature; my soul is shuddha, ahimsak, vitarāg.”

1. Do short Aloyan / Micchāmi Dukkaḍaṁ once, then let it go.

- Don’t sit for hours in self‑torture; that also becomes a kind of wrong attachment to guilt.

1. If thoughts persist mechanically, you can:

- Shift attention to Navkār Mantra, Logassa, or simply focus on breath + “so‑ham / shuddho‑ham” kind of pure awareness (as per Jain understanding of shuddhātmā).

The key: Do not convert a passing bad thought into a long story. Short notice, short regret, short pratikraman, then back to dharma.

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3) For anger towards people (friend, teacher, elder)

Practical Jain steps:

• Everyday, in Kṣamāpanā bhāva, remember:

- “If anyone has hurt me, by mind‑speech‑body, I forgive them.” - “If I have hurt anyone, I ask forgiveness.”

• If possible and safe, you can actually message or meet and say:

- “Long ago I behaved badly; I am sorry.” This simple act often releases a lot of inner tension.

• When the old story comes in mind, replace it consciously with:

- Anuprekshā on karma: “I had such experience due to my own past karma; they were nimitta only.”

Do this again and again; slowly the story loses heat.

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4) Strengthen samkit‑bhāva daily

Simple things which help:

• Daily Navkār Mantra with meaning.
• Short svādhyāya on:

- Mohanīya karma, - Gunasthāna, - Samyak‑darshan marks. ( jainknowledge.com)

• Company of sādhus / shrāvaks who are calm and dhārmik.
• Regular pratikraman – not only for “sin list,” but to rebuild awareness and softness.

You can read more basics about mohaniya karma and samkit here: – What is mohaniya karma – Meaning of samkit / samyak darshan

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5) About fear of “infinite extension of saṁsār”

• Fear itself shows you care deeply about moksha.
• But excess fear can become a kind of paralyzed attachment.
• Jain dharma teaches: even the heaviest karmas are finite; by:

- stopping new bandha (saṁvara) and - shedding old karmas (nirjarā) the soul must eventually become free.

Your:

• Nirved on seeing death poster,
• Tears for all suffering jīvas,
• Desire for moksha / Tirthankar‑bhāva,

are powerful saṁvara‑nirjarā causes, not causes of infinite bondage.

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Final reassurance in plain words

1. Yes, it is possible that at times you were in mithyātva / miśra, and at other times in some form of samkit, and sometimes losing and regaining it. This is exactly what 14‑gunasthāna theory explains.
2. Yes, a samyag‑dṛṣṭi jīva can have:

- Strong anger, - Bad thoughts, - Even temporary enjoyment of revenge, but they do not remain proud of it forever, and eventually repent and turn towards dharma – which you are clearly doing.

1. Your dayā, nirved, bhakti, fear of karma, repeated repentance, and desire for moksha are very strong signs of spiritual capacity, not of abhavya nature.
2. Intrusive violent thoughts during bhakti, when rejected and repented, do not make you hopeless; they are karmic ripples that you are already weakening.

So instead of repeatedly asking “Am I truly samyag‑dṛṣṭi?”, live as:

> “Let me, from this very moment, increase samyak bhāva, lessen kashāya, and walk step‑by‑step towards the soul’s pure, vītarāg nature.”

That consistent small effort is exactly what all Āchāryas call the true beginning of Jain spiritual life.