You have written very honestly. This inner honesty itself is a very big step in Jain Dharma.

I’ll take your points one by one, in simple language.

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1. Seeing life as empty cycle after uncle’s death – what is this feeling?

You described:

• Earlier: strong attachment to body and beauty, always looking in mirror, praising your appearance.
• Then: seeing that uncle’s death poster, suddenly feeling, “This is all useless – study, job, marriage, running after money for 30–40 years and then dying. What is the real purpose? I cannot take anything ahead.”

In Jain terms, this is mainly:

1. Saṃvega (संवेग)

- Deep shock from seeing the reality of saṃsār (birth–death cycle). - Feeling, “I cannot remain lost in this meaningless routine; I must search for true purpose.”

1. Vairāgya / Virakti (वैराग्य / विरक्ति)

- Detachment from temporary things like body, looks, money, status. - Understanding: “All this will end; I should not get madly attached to it.”

1. Darśan-uttpatti / Samyak-darśan ki pravṛtti (tendency towards right faith)

- When you start to feel: - I am soul, different from body. - This world is temporary. - Karma and mokṣa are real. - This is the beginning fragrance of samyak-darśan (right perception), or at least strong preparation for it.

So, what you felt is not ordinary sadness; it is spiritual awakening – a mix of saṃvega (spiritual shock), vairāgya (detachment), and right direction of vision.

If you want to read more about right perception (samyak darshan), you can see here:

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2. Your care about not hurting jīvas – is it fear or karuṇā?

You wrote:

• You believe in karma and mokṣa very strongly.
• You feel pain even while peeling an orange, thinking a jīva’s skin is being removed.
• You sometimes chant Navkār for the seeds before throwing them.
• You walk very carefully to avoid stepping on insects, leaves, flowers – and you are scared of karmic consequences.

This is a very deep point, and there are two things mixed here:

(a) Bhaya (fear of karma)

• “If I harm, I will definitely get bad karma and I will suffer.”
• This is not wrong – Jain Dharma clearly teaches niyatatā (certainty) of karmic result.
• Many people start their journey from fear of karma. It helps them control gross violence.

(b) Karuṇā (compassion towards jīvas)

• Feeling sad for the plant, seed, insect, etc.
• Feeling: “This living being also wants to live, just like me.”
• Wanting to minimize harm, not only to avoid your own karma, but also because you value their life.

From your description, it is both:

• Fear of karma is certainly there (you said you are “scared”).
• But pure fear alone does not make people:

- Feel sorrow for an orange peel, - Collect seeds and chant Navkār for them, - Watch every step so carefully.

These are signs of growing karuṇā and sensitivity of the soul.

What is ideal in Jain view?

• In the beginning, fear of karma (bhaya) is okay, even helpful.
• As we grow, it should slowly transform into:

- Karuṇā – compassion for all jīvas. - Principle-based ahiṃsā – “I avoid violence because my nature as soul is pure, non-harming, and detached.”

So you can very gently shift your inner feeling from: > “If I hurt them, I will suffer.” to > “They are jīvas like me; hurting them is against my real nature. Let me live as non-violent as possible.”

But don’t be harsh on yourself – you are already on the right track.

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3. Respect for vītarāga Bhagwān, sādhus, and scriptures – but sometimes bad thoughts arise

You wrote:

• You feel strong respect and attraction towards:

- Vītarāga Bhagwān (passionless Lords), - True sādhus, - Jain scriptures.

• But sometimes sudden bad thoughts arise when you see sādhus in “bad clothes” etc.

In Jain dharma, this is seen like this:

(a) Natural respect = sign of samyak-pravṛtti

• Spontaneous shraddhā (faith) and ādara (respect) for:

- Arihant, Siddha, Āchārya, Upādhyāya, Sādhu, Dharma, Guru, Scriptures is a strong sign that your inner dr̥ṣṭi is turning right.

• It shows connection with past good sanskārs and punya.

(b) Sudden bad thoughts = uday (rise) of old mohanīya karma

• Our thoughts are not always our true self; many thoughts are just old karmas rising.
• If you:

- Do not agree with those bad thoughts, - Feel, “This is wrong, I should not think like this,” - And if you do pratikramaṇ (inner apology) – then those thoughts lose power.

So, do not feel “I am bad” because of those thoughts. Instead, think:

> “These are uday of karmas, not my real nature. > My real nature is śuddha ātmā – pure soul, full of knowledge, bliss, and detachment.”

Quietly:

• Say Navkār Mantra with respectful bhāv for sādhus and Bhagwān.
• Do a small alochanā–pratikramaṇ inside:

“If I had any disrespectful thoughts towards true sādhus/Bhagwān/shāstra, I seek forgiveness.”

This way, even those negative thoughts become a step for cleansing karma.

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4. Wanting dharma for mokṣa – but sometimes using Navkār for worldly problems

You wrote:

• You mainly want dharma for liberation, not for money, fame etc.
• But:

- When a problem comes, you chant Navkār to remove the problem. - Once, you chanted Navkār to get a job.

In Jain view, this is:

1. Mixture of intentions:

- Higher: “I want mokṣa, inner peace, true freedom.” - Lower / usual human side: “Please solve my worldly problem.”

1. This is very common in the beginning stages of bhakti.

Jain Dharma does not say you are “sinful” for this. But:

• Ideal bhakti is:

- Not done to demand worldly results, - But to purify inner vision, reduce passions, and move toward mokṣa.

You can slowly improve by:

• When you chant Navkār in problems, add this bhāv:

> “By this mantra, may my inner strength, patience and right vision increase. > If this worldly problem goes, good. > If not, still may I remain in samata (equanimity).”

Then your same Navkār will slowly become a path towards mokṣa, not just a tool for worldly benefit.

If you want to read more on the meaning of the path of right faith–right knowledge–right conduct, you can see this:

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5. Your mirror practice: “This is not me; I am inside”

You shared:

• You look at your skin, face, body and tell yourself,

“This is not me. I am inside. I am soul, separate from body and world.”

In Jain dharma, this is:

• A very good dhyān (contemplation).
• Close to ātmā-anuprekṣā – reflecting again and again on the truth:

> “I am jīva, independent, eternal, different from body, mind, thoughts, and world.”

If this is done:

• Calmly,
• Without hatred towards the body (just detachment, not disgust),
• With remembrance:

“My true nature is knowledge, perception, bliss, and energy (upayoga, ānanda).”

Then this practice strengthens samyak-darśan and reduces moha (delusion/attachment).

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6. Overall: Where are you right now (spiritually), in Jain understanding?

From everything you wrote, I see:

• Strong saṃvega (shock at saṃsār and death).
• Growing vairāgya (detachment from body, beauty, and mere worldly routine).
• Clear faith in karma and mokṣa.
• Deep sensitivity to jīva–ahiṃsā.
• Natural respect for vītarāga Bhagwān, sādhus, shāstra.
• Desire for mokṣa and inner peace, not only worldly success.

Along with:

• Some fear of karma (which is okay at this stage).
• Some worldly expectation from Navkār (common in starting stage).
• Some random negative thoughts (effect of past karmas, which you can purify with awareness and pratikramaṇ).

In Jain terms, these are all very positive signs of:

• Dr̥ṣṭi-parivartan – inner view turning towards truth.
• Samyak-darśan ki or agrasarata – moving towards right faith.

(Exactly which guṇa-sthān you are in is something only kevalī can know; we should not label it ourselves.)

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7. How to go forward practically (in simple steps)

1. Continue your “I am soul” reflection

- Daily, for a few minutes: - Sit quietly, - Observe body as separate, - Remind: “I am śuddha ātmā – knower, seer, separate from this body and world.”

1. Gentle ahiṃsā, not guilt-ahiṃsā

- Do your best to avoid harm. - But don’t drown in guilt for every small unavoidable act. - Jain Dharma accepts some ārambhī/udhyogī hiṃsā (basic unavoidable violence of living), but wants us to: - Reduce it, - Do it with minimum intensity, no cruelty, and with awareness.

1. Daily small pratikramaṇ

- At night, recall: - Any harsh word, - Any disrespectful thought towards sādhus, elders, jīvas. - Mentally say: > “Micchāmi Dukkaḍaṃ – I seek forgiveness for faults done knowingly or unknowingly.”

1. Navkār with pure bhāv

- Chant Navkār not only for solving problems, but with this inner feeling: > “May my karmas soften, my passions reduce, and my dr̥ṣṭi become pure. > May I move steadily towards mokṣa.”

1. Regular satsang / svādhyāy (study of Jain teachings)

- Even simple listening/reading about: - Karma, - Guṇa-sthān, - Ratnatraya (right faith, knowledge, conduct) strengthens what is already awakening inside you.

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Summary in one line:

What is happening inside you is a beautiful beginning of true spiritual awakening in Jain sense – a combination of saṃvega, vairāgya, growing karuṇā, and attraction towards samyak-darśan. Nurture it gently, steadily, and it will lead you closer and closer to your real nature – the pure, free soul.