In Jain language, what you are feeling is very precious and has clear names:

1. What is this feeling inside you?

From a Jain dharmic view, your inner state is mainly:

1. Vairāgya / Virakti (वैराग्य / विरक्ति) –

Deep detachment from worldly life when one sees: - Everything is temporary (body, relations, money, status) - Whole life can pass only in earning, raising family, and then dying - And none of that goes with the soul to the next birth

You saw that uncle’s death poster and suddenly: - “This is what samsār is – birth, study, work, family, money…and finally death.” - “There is no real purpose if I just repeat this and carry nothing ahead.”

This clear, sharp seeing of the emptiness of worldly running is called vairāgya-bhāvanā (feeling of detachment).

1. Saṃvega (संवेग) –

A powerful shock in the soul when it suddenly realizes: - “Samsār is full of suffering.” - “Infinite births and deaths have already happened.” - “I cannot remain careless now.”

Saṃvega has signs exactly like what you described: - Heart shaken by seeing death - Spontaneous tears - Restlessness about “What am I doing with my life?” - Strong urge: “I must walk toward moksh. I cannot waste this human birth.”

This is not depression; it is a spiritual awakening shock.

1. Karunā (करुणा) – deep compassion

You wrote that you started crying thinking of all souls in samsār, all that pain, and even felt: - “I want everyone to be free of their suffering.” - “I even thought of becoming a Tirthankar to relieve everyone of their pain.”

This is karuṇā + lokottar icchā (a beyond-worldly wish) – a very pure, elevated compassion, not just for your own escape, but for the uplift of all jīvas.

1. Mokṣa-icchā / Mumukṣutā (मुमुक्षुता) –

Strong desire for moksh, and thought of dīkṣā, is called mumukṣutā: - “I do not want just a ‘good life’; I want freedom from birth and death.” - “I want to walk the path of sadhus–sādhvīs, even if it is very tough.”

This is exactly the bhāva of a true mumukṣu (one who genuinely wants liberation).

So, in Jain terms, your inner state is a beautiful combination of:

• Vairāgya – detachment from the pattern of worldly life
• Saṃvega – spiritual shock on seeing the reality of death and samsār
• Karuṇā – compassion for all suffering jīvas
• Mumukṣutā – genuine longing for moksh and even dīkṣā

These four together are considered very, very auspicious bhāvas (shubh bhāvas).

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2. What about your crying for your mother if you take dīkṣā?

This is also natural and understood in Jain dharma.

• The feeling:

“If I take dīkṣā, I will have to leave my mother. I cry thinking of that.”

This shows māmatā / attachment (rāga) – which every ordinary soul has. But the important point:

• Having vairāgya + attachment together is a normal early stage.
• Even in many Jain stories:

- Before dīkṣā, future great souls feel love for parents, family, etc. - Gradually, as their samyak darshan, vairāgya, and understanding deepen, attachment melts into pure, non-possessive love and then into upekṣā / samatā (equanimity).

So, your tears for your mother do not make your moksh-icchā fake. It only means:

• Your spiritual awakening has started,
• But your attachments are still soft and alive, which is expected at this stage.

The correct Jain view is:

• Do not hate yourself for loving your mother.
• Do not throw away your moksh desire because of that love.
• Use this time to gently purify that love – make it less possessive, more spiritual:

- Pray for her moksh and wellbeing in all births. - Serve her with softness and dharma. - Remember: in infinite past births, you and she have had countless other relations too.

This is exactly how mumukṣus in gṛhastha-avasthā (householder stage) slowly ripen.

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3. “I even wished to become a Tirthankar to help everyone”

From a Jain standpoint, this is an exceptionally high bhāva.

• A Tirthankar is one who:

- Completely destroys all karmas, - Becomes kevalī, - And then establishes a path (tīrth) for countless souls’ liberation.

To even think: > “I wish I could become such a being, so everyone’s pain can end.”

…means you have:

• Anant-jīvo-paryant hit-icchā – desire for welfare of uncountable souls.
• This is the kind of universal benevolence seen in the cause of Tirthankar-nāma-gotra karma in Jain stories.

Of course, we cannot say from one life-event that “you will be a Tirthankar.” But we can say:

• This direction of feeling is exactly aligned with the Tirthankars’ compassion.
• Such bhāvas, if repeated and made firm, create extremely high punya and pure karmic causes.

So you can understand it as:

> “Inside me, a very high and rare compassion has flickered, like a small lamp. > My work now is to protect it, grow it, and keep it pure and steady.”

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4. Is life in samsār “purposeless” then?

Your insight is correct from the highest Jain standpoint:

• Running only for money, comfort, name, and family success, and then dying –

has no permanent value, because: - none of that goes with the soul, - only bhāva (inner state), vows, and karmas go forward.

In Jain dharma:

• The real purpose of human birth is:

- To understand the soul (ātma-jñān), - To develop samyak darshan, samyak jñān, samyak chāritra, - To gradually walk towards moksh.

Worldly duties (study, work, family) become meaningful only when:

• They are used as:

- a ground for practicing dayā, ahiṃsā, aparigraha, satya, brahmacharya, etc. - a place to weaken kashāyas (anger, pride, deceit, greed), - a training field to develop detachment and equanimity.

If we forget this inner purpose, then:

• life really is just a cycle of “earn–enjoy–suffer–die–repeat”.

If we remember this inner purpose, then:

• even as a layperson, life becomes a stepping stone toward liberation.

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5. How can you honor and deepen this precious state?

Since your question is about what this feeling is, I’ll keep the guidance simple and aligned with it:

1. Accept it as a blessing, not a disturbance

- Tell yourself: “This vairāgya and samvega are a rare grace in my karmic journey. I will not suppress them or run away from them.”

1. Gently stabilize your mind

- Continue daily life, but: - Add Navkār Mantra, - Short reflections on anityatā (impermanence) and samsār-duḥkha, - And simple prārthanā: “May my soul move towards samyak darshan and moksh.”

1. Channel your compassion

- You cry thinking of all suffering souls – that is karuṇā. - Use it to: - Avoid himsā wherever you can, - Speak gently, - Help others move a little toward dharma in any small way.

1. About dīkṣā

- Do not rush, do not reject. - In Jain dharma: - Sometimes, vairāgya matures into dīkṣā in this very life. - Sometimes, the soul spends one or more births as a very sincere śrāvaka/śrāvikā, building inner strength and right faith. - The main thing now is: - Guard your inner fire, - Avoid going back into total worldly intoxication, - Keep increasing understanding, saiyam, and śraddhā.

1. About your mother

- Serve her with love and dharma. - Pray for both of you: - “May both our souls move towards right path and ultimate liberation, in this or future births.” - Gradually, let love become less possessive, more spiritual.

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6. In one line – what would I call your state?

In traditional Jain terms, I would describe your inner condition as:

> A powerful awakening of vairāgya and saṃvega, colored by deep karuṇā for all jīvas and a strong mumukṣutā (desire for moksh), still gently mixed with natural attachment toward your mother.

This is a very auspicious beginning on the real spiritual path.