I will do this in two parts:

1. First, put your incidents in a clear timeline.
2. Then, answer: “What is all this? Do I have samyaktva?” from Jain dharma, in detail.

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1. Your life incidents – arranged as a timeline

About 15 years ago – the Ludo / friendship incident

• You were playing Ludo with a close friend.
• You lost the game and, out of anger, deliberately damaged his board (coating came off more).
• You trusted he would not tell anyone.
• Next day you went again to play. His grandmother scolded you and asked if you had damaged it.
• Out of shame you lied and said “No”.
• She called your friend; he honestly pointed to you. You were shocked and felt betrayed.
• She asked if she should take money from your grandfather. You said “No” and left, embarrassed and hurt.
• After this:

- You continued to meet him for 5–6 more years, but - You held deep anger, hatred, and a sense of enmity towards him.

• Later, he even falsely accused you of abusing his grandfather to a class teacher, and you were beaten.
• Though he tried many times to reconcile, talk, and repair the friendship, you refused to forgive and kept hatred and ego.
• Only recently you realized:

- The original mistake was yours (damaging and lying). - He had actually tried to reconcile, but your ego and anger destroyed the friendship.

• You meditated, accepted “I was wrong”, felt deep guilt and internally apologized to him.

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About 11 years ago – the water / injured child incident

• You were travelling in a car, drinking water at a signal.
• A poor lady with an injured child in her arms was asking for water.
• You did not notice properly; before you could react, the signal turned green and the car moved.
• Someone from behind told you she had an injured child.
• You felt deep regret, sorrow, and pain for the child and for not giving water.
• As self‑punishment, you decided not to drink water the entire next day.
• You tried to keep this dharna till evening but could not control thirst and drank water.
• At that time you had only a little Jain dharma knowledge.

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About 10–11 years ago – starting real interest in Jain dharma

• You began going to Sunday pratikraman class and learning sutras.
• One day your mother told you “Jain dharma is the only true religion.”
• You immediately accepted this in your heart.
• She taught you about Kālchakra (time-cycles). You developed genuine interest in religion.

Shortly after that:

• You asked: “Will all jīvas in saṃsār attain moksha?”
• She answered: No. Some jīvas are Abhavi / Abhavya jīvas who will never attain moksha and wander eternally.
• You became extremely sad on hearing this.
• The same day, two questions arose in your mind:

1. “Am I an Abhavi / Abhavya jīva?” 2. “Will I be able to attain moksha?”

Within a few days:

• About 3 days later, a strong desire arose to become a Tirthankar.
• You felt immense karuṇā (compassion) for all beings:

- “First I will help all jīvas attain moksha, then only I will go to moksha. That is the purpose of my soul.”

• You started having dīkshā-bhāva (desire for renunciation).
• You started doing Tikutoika / Guru Vandana 108 times daily.
• You continued this for almost 6 months, then left it due to laziness.
• All this time, your devotion was:

- Deep faith only in Panch Parmeshti. - Desire for Tirthankar-bhāva. - Strong attraction towards dīkshā.

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About 9 years ago – teacher beating & violent revenge thoughts

• Around 9 years back, a teacher beat you in class.
• After this, you developed intense anger and animosity towards her.
• You repeatedly imagined killing her brutally:

- e.g. hitting hard on her head, etc.

• These violent images and desires stayed for about 6 years, very intense initially.
• About 3 years ago, you mentally apologized to her and sought forgiveness.
• Since then, those thoughts reduced.

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In the last few years – anger with elder family member

• You have an elder family member who often scolds you harshly.
• Earlier you used to reply with equal or more anger.
• Once, you replied so harshly that another relative started crying seeing your anger.
• A few minutes later, you felt deep guilt and regret, went downstairs, cried, and apologized.
• Over the past few years:

- You have tried more to remain quiet instead of reacting. - However, during the scolding you still get intense inner anger, then later try to calm down and repent.

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About 2 years ago – teacher scolding & silent anger

• Around 2 years back, a teacher scolded you very harshly.
• At that time you remained silent and did not reply.
• But even now, when you remember it, your ego and anger flare up:

- “I should have answered her back properly.”

• You try to calm yourself, mentally apologize, but that feeling of “I should have replied” keeps coming.
• You feel you can suppress anger but not fully destroy it yet.

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Last 2 years – Guru Vandana again & very bad intrusive thoughts

• Two years back, you again started doing Guru Vandana / religious practices.
• When you get deeply absorbed in:

- thinking about Tirthankar Bhagwān, Kevalis, sādhus, etc., - doing pūjā, meditation, or other religious actions,

• Suddenly you get very bad, unwanted thoughts:

- Harming or killing Tirthankar Bhagwān, - Harming or killing Kevalis or sādhus, - Harming or killing all living beings, - General thoughts of massive violence against exactly those you revere.

• You do not want these thoughts; they come against your wish.
• As soon as they come:

- You feel intense pain, shock, fear, - You say “Vosirāmi, Michhami Dukkadam”, - You recite Aloyana path, - You strongly criticize yourself and stay in tension for hours.

• These thoughts have troubled you for around two years:

- Earlier frequent, - Now rare, but still appear sometimes.

• You are terrified that such thoughts will prolong your saṃsār infinitely or bind terrible karma.

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About 3 months ago – shopkeeper’s death & deep vairāgya

• You regularly visited a shop. Opposite to it another uncle had a shop.
• One day you saw his death poster.
• You felt deeply shaken:

- Life = born → school/college → run after money 30–40 years → die. - “All this, and I carry nothing ahead into the next birth.”

• You cried thinking about saṃsār: birth–death, ant, spider, leaf, human, again and again.
• A powerful thought arose:

- “I have had enough of roaming in saṃsār; I must now be liberated.”

• You developed:

- Deep desire for moksha, - Wish to become a Tirthankar to relieve others’ suffering, - Mercy for humans, animals, even leaves, etc., - Feeling: “The path shown by Tirthankar Bhagwān is universal; everyone must know and benefit from it.”

• You felt that your old dīkshā-bhāva from about 10 years ago had now sprouted again.

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2. “What is all this? Do I have Samyaktva?”

Let us answer this through clear Jain principles.

2.1. What is Samyaktva in Jain dharma?

In simple language:

• Samyaktva = Samyak Darshan + Samyak Jñān + Samyak Charitra (to some extent).
• It begins with Samyak Darshan:

- Right faith in: - Tattvas (jīva, ajīva, puṇya, pāp, āshrav, bandha, saṃvar, nirjarā, moksha), - Tirthankar Bhagwān, - Jain Agams and true Guru. - Removing wrong beliefs: - doubt in dharma, - belief that non‑Jain false paths lead to moksha, - belief that soul are one with God, etc.

Signs (in very simple form) of Samyak Darshan‑bhāva:

1. Deep Shraddhā in Arihant, Siddha, Āchārya, Upādhyāy, Sādhu.
2. No inner doubt that the Jain path is right.
3. Pain when hearing about disrespect or harm to Tirthankars or saints.
4. Samvega – feeling of:

- “Saṃsār is full of suffering; I want moksha.”

1. Karuṇā for all jīvas.
2. Natural attraction toward:

- Pratikraman, - Swādhyāy, - Penance, - Dīkshā‑bhāva.

But remember: Samyaktva does not mean instant destruction of all anger, pride, deceit, greed. There are types:

• Kshayopasham Samyaktva / Upashamik Samyaktva – right faith along with still‑strong passions.
• Kshayik Samyaktva – perfect right faith with almost no kashāyas; very high stage.

Most shravaks, even good sādhus, are struggling at the kshayopasham level, not the perfect one.

You can read a simple explanation of Samyaktva here: “what is samyaktva and how can one achieve it?”

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2.2. Are your bad incidents proof that you cannot have Samyaktva?

No.

From Jain viewpoint, having Samyaktva does not mean:

• You will never get angry,
• You will never have bad thoughts,
• You will never make big mistakes.

What matters is:

1. Do you approve of wrong behaviour in your heart?
2. Do you repeatedly enjoy and encourage violent / hateful thoughts?
3. Or do you feel regret, pain, and do pratikraman?

Look at your own pattern:

• You damaged the board, lied, and then held hatred.

- But today you clearly see: - “It was my fault, I was blinded by ego and anger.” - You feel deep guilt and have apologized internally.

• You had cruel revenge thoughts toward your teacher for years.

- But later you apologized inwardly and dropped that bhāva.

• You shouted at your elder relative harshly.

- Within minutes, you cried and apologized.

• You got selfish at the signal and missed giving water.

- You felt pain for the child, and at least tried some form of penance.

This is the very difference between:

• A mithyādrishti (totally wrong‑view) person – who feels justified in anger and violence, with no real remorse.
• A person leaning strongly towards samyaktva – who quickly feels inner pratikraman‑bhāva.

So your mistakes do not disprove Samyaktva. They only show:

• Your kashāyas (anger, ego) are still strong,
• But your conscience, shraddhā, and repentance are also strong.

This combination is very typical of a soul in early spiritual awakening.

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2.3. About Abhavya / Abhavi jīva – are you one?

Jain dharma accepts that:

• Some jīvas are Abhavya – they will never attain moksha.
• We normal beings cannot know who is Bhavya or Abhavya. Only Kevali knows.

But the symptoms of an Abhavya jīva are:

• No real interest in true dharma,
• No pain for saṃsār,
• No respect for Tirthankars,
• Often ridicules or opposes dharma.

Now compare with you:

• You cried thinking about Abhavya jīvas – this is high level of karuṇā and dharmic sensitivity.
• You strongly believe “Jain dharma is the only true path”.
• You have faith in Panch Parmeshti only.
• You feel pain when bad thoughts come against Tirthankars and sādhus.
• You do Vosirāmi, Michhami Dukkadam, Alochana, etc.
• You have deeply desired moksha and even Tirthankar‑bhāva.
• You have dīkshā‑bhāva again and again over many years.

These are the exact opposite of Abhavya‑lakṣaṇas.

From Jain logic: A person who:

• loves Bhagwān,
• feels samvega for saṃsār,
• repents for sins,
• wishes moksha for all,

is very, very unlikely to be Abhavya.

We still cannot declare with certainty (only Kevali can), but your bhāvas are clearly Bhavya‑prakār.

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2.4. Your fear: “If I am Samyagdrishti, can I have such cruel thoughts?”

Let’s examine two sets of thoughts separately.

(A) Long‑term revenge/thoughts of killing the teacher (for about 6 years)

• These were willed, repeated, and associated with strong anger.
• From karma view, such sustained violent intention definitely binds heavy paap, especially Anantānubandhi krodh / mān type passions.
• But:

- You did not actually kill. - Later you felt it was wrong and apologized mentally.

So:

• Yes, it is a serious spiritual fault.
• But it is not proof that you can never have Samyaktva.
• Many souls with Samyaktva in kshayopasham stage may still, because of old karmas, occasionally slip into very bad bhāvas – but then they wake up, repent, and improve.

(B) Sudden intrusive violent thoughts against Tirthankars, sādhus, all beings

Important difference:

• These thoughts come exactly when you are doing dharma – pūjā, Guru Vandana, remembering Bhagwān.
• They are:

- Unwanted, - You feel shocked and scared immediately, - You do not enjoy them at all.

• Your immediate response:

- “Vosirāmi, Michhami Dukkadam,” - Alochana path, - You suffer in your heart for hours.

In Jain terms, bhāva (inner consent) is crucial.

• If a thought comes like a wave but you do not accept it,

- you do not approve, - you try to remove it, - you repent – then its karmic bondage is very weak or almost none.

Many Jain texts mention:

• During Samayik, Pooja, Dhyan, asubha bhāvas (impure thoughts) can arise because of:

- Old karmic upsarg, - Habits, - Rāg‑dvesha samskāras from past.

The right response is exactly what you are already doing:

• Do not identify with the thought.
• Firmly think:

- “This is my old karma’s effect, not my real Self.”

• Do Namokar mantra, pratikraman, and bring mind back to Bhagwān’s gunas.
• Do not over‑fear that “Now my sansār is infinite.”

- Fear itself, if extreme and hopeless, can become a new attachment.

So, yes: a person near or in Samyak Darshan can have such passing thoughts. What shows your level is your reaction: pain, rejection, repentance.

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2.5. Does just thinking of killing someone bind Nikachit karma?

From Jain karma theory:

• Nikachit karma = the tightest, compulsory karmas whose result must be suffered; cannot be avoided, only experienced.
• But not every bad thought becomes Nikachit.

Nikachit‑bandh normally arises with:

• Very intense,
• Repeated,
• Pleasurable or approved violence / cruelty,
• Often supported by actual violent actions.

Your case:

• Teacher‑killing fantasies were serious and harmful bhāva, but:

- You eventually repented, - You stopped them, - You sought forgiveness.

Such repentance and change in bhāva can:

• Reduce duration and intensity of bound karmas,
• Even change their nature.

So:

• We cannot say you definitely did Nikachit‑bandh.
• More likely, you bound strong pāp karmas, but your later pratikraman and inner change have already softened a lot of that.

You can understand Nikachit karma more here: “Understanding the theory of Karma”

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2.6. Your strong samvega and karuṇā

Look at these features:

• You cried for Abhavya jīvas.
• You cried seeing the death poster and understanding uselessness of money‑chase.
• You felt:

- “I have roamed enough as ant, spider, leaf, human; now I must be liberated.”

• You wanted to become Tirthankar to:

- relieve others’ suffering, - spread the universal path of Bhagwān.

This is exactly:

• Samvega – deep shock at saṃsār,
• Nirveda / Vairāgya – detachment from worldly race,
• Karuṇā – compassion for all jīvas.

These bhāvas are very high spiritually. They do not arise in a totally mithyādrishti soul.

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2.7. So, do you have Samyaktva?

With full honesty:

• Only a Kevali Jñāni or very high‑level saint can say definitely whether a particular jīva has attained Samyak Darshan at a given moment.
• I cannot give you a final verdict like “Yes, 100% you are Samyagdrishti right now.”

But, based on Jain principles and the signs you have described:

1. Your deep, unwavering faith in:

- Panch Parmeshti, - Jain dharma as the true path.

1. Your pain at the idea of:

- jīvas never attaining moksha, - harming Tirthankar Bhagwān and sādhus (even in thought).

1. Your strong samvega and vairāgya about saṃsār.

1. Your pratikraman‑bhāva:

- Regret for friendship break, - Regret for anger at elder, - Regret for cruel thoughts about teacher, - Immediate repentance for intrusive violent thoughts.

1. Your dīkshā‑bhāva and Tirthankar‑bhāva for many years.

All these strongly indicate:

• You are Bhavya jīva.
• You are very close to, or already touched, Samyak Darshan‑bhāva at least once in this life.
• Your problem is not lack of right faith, but:

- strong old kashāyas, - sensitive, over‑fearful mind, - old nikachit/dirgh‑kaal karmas bringing upsarg in the form of ugly thoughts.

So rather than thinking:

> “Because I have bad thoughts, I cannot be samyagdrishti,”

it is more accurate to think:

> “Because my soul’s nature is pure and inclined to samyaktva, these old karmas are now coming out. > My work is to see, repent, and rise above them, not to lose faith.”

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3. What should you practically do now?

3.1. Regarding past incidents (friend, teachers, elder)

1. Inner forgiveness (Kshamā Bhāvanā)

- Visualize each person: - Your old friend, - His grandmother, - The teachers who beat or scolded you, - The elder relative. - From your heart say: - “I forgive you for whatever you did to me, knowingly or unknowingly.” - “Please forgive me for all the harm I did to you in thoughts, words, or actions.” - Do this daily for some weeks.

1. If practical & safe:

- Consider reconnecting or at least sending a message to that old friend: - Admitting your mistake, - Asking forgiveness. - This is not compulsory, but it can be deeply purifying.

1. When memories come and anger rises:

- Immediately shift to Namokar Mantra or Logassa. - Remind yourself: - “By holding anger, I drink poison. Let me free both of us.”

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3.2. For intrusive violent thoughts during worship

1. Do not be terrified by their presence.

- See them as: - “Old karmic dust coming up as I clean my soul.”

1. Do exactly what you do – but more gently:

- Say “Vosirāmi, Michhami Dukkadam.” - Recite Namokar mantra slowly with meaning. - Re‑focus on Bhagwān’s qualities: vitarāg, sarvajña, daya‑sindhu.

1. Avoid over‑punishing yourself mentally:

- Too much self‑hatred is also a form of moha and dvesha towards oneself.

1. Keep a regular Samayik / Pratikraman:

- Even 12–20 minutes of quiet self‑observation and Alochana each day.

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3.3. For anger and ego in day‑to‑day life

1. Before reaction, make a simple inner vow:

- “When anger arises, I will pause for 3 breaths before speaking.”

1. After any angry outburst:

- Do aloyana that same day – - Recall the incident clearly, - Accept your fault, - Form a small practical resolve: - e.g., “Next time, I will at least keep my volume low,” - or, “I will walk away from the room instead of shouting.”

1. Understand:

- Slow reduction of kashāyas is normal. - Even repeated failures, if followed by honest pratikraman, slowly weaken karma.

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3.4. About fear of “infinite extension of saṃsār”

• Saṃsār is beginningless, but not helplessly endless.
• It ends when:

- Four ghāti karmas are destroyed permanently.

• What keeps it long is:

- Repeated, unrepented rāg‑dvesha, - Deep mithyātva (false belief).

In your case:

• You do believe in the true path.
• You do repent and feel pain for sins.
• You are actively reducing rāg‑dvesha, even though slowly.

So your current efforts are shortening, not lengthening, your saṃsār.

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4. Summing up in simple words

• Your heart is very sensitive and dharmic.
• You have made serious mistakes in anger, ego, and thoughts – but you know they are wrong and repent sincerely.
• You have:

- Faith in Panch Parmeshti, - Attraction to dīkshā, - Desire for moksha and even Tirthankar‑bhāva, - Compassion for all jīvas, - Pain for Abhavya jīvas and saṃsār.

All this is strong indication of Bhavya jīva and Samyaktva‑bhāva, at least at some point in this life.

Your task now is:

• Strengthen right faith through:

- Swādhyāy, listening to true sādhus, regular pratikraman.

• Gradually reduce anger, ego, and fear, by:

- forgiveness bhāvanā, - Alochana‑Pratikraman, - controlling reaction in small steps.

Do not keep asking yourself with fear, “Am I Abhavya? Do I have Samyaktva?” Instead, live the qualities of Samyaktva every day:

• Shraddhā in Tirthankars,
• Ahimsā in thought, word, deed,
• Satya, kshamā, karuṇā, and regular repentance.

By doing this, whatever Samyaktva‑seed is already present in you will surely grow.