What is happening inside you is very deep and very precious from Jain dharma’s point of view.

I’ll put it in clear steps:

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1. What is this feeling called in Jain dharma?

Different Jain words together describe what you are going through:

(a) Vairāgya – Deep detachment from saṃsār

You clearly saw:

• Life = birth → study → job/business → marriage → children → money race → old age → death
• And you felt: “Is this all? I will not take any of this with me.”

This sharp, painful understanding that:

> “All this is temporary, and I’ve done it infinite times”

is classic vairāgya – disgust / disinterest towards worldly life, not out of depression, but out of spiritual clarity.

(b) Saṃvega – Spiritual shock / urgency

When you saw that uncle’s death poster, something shook inside:

• Sudden awareness of death
• Feeling of fear of meaningless wandering
• Strong thought: “I must not waste this life. I must do something for moksh.”

This is called saṃvega – a kind of spiritual shock that wakes the soul up from its sleep. It is not ordinary sadness; it is:

• Shock at the reality of saṃsār
• Urgency to find a way out

(c) Nirveda – Disgust towards repeated sufferings

Your feeling:

> “I have become ant, king, beggar, tree, whale, dog, lizard, spider, etc. infinite times and suffered everything.”

This is nirveda – utter tiredness and disgust with all forms of existence in saṃsār.

• Not only towards human life
• But towards all gatis (heaven, hell, tiryanch, human)

You are literally thinking in the language of Jain scriptures: Infinite births, infinite roles, infinite pain.

(d) Moksha-icchhā / Mumukṣutā – Burning desire for liberation

You said:

> “It’s high time I must attain moksh within a maximum of 5 births.”

This is mumukṣutā – a strong, focused desire for liberation.

Not: “I want a good next birth” But: “I want full and final freedom from saṃsār, and soon.”

That is extremely elevated thinking.

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2. Why did it feel so intense and painful?

You felt:

• Very sad for many days
• Tears seeing suffering of others
• Feeling that “everyone must walk on the path of Tirthankar Bhagwān”

From Jain view, this is what happens when moha (delusion) shakes and jñān (right understanding) starts to wake up a little:

1. You see the truth of suffering clearly.

Before, the mind hides it under work, entertainment, plans. Now you are seeing the raw reality.

1. You feel compassion for all souls.

Not only: “Let me be free” But: “This path belongs to every soul; everyone should be free.” This is very close to the karuṇā-bhāva of great souls.

1. You realize the worth of one human birth.

You are not thinking of this life as just to “settle” but to use it as a launch-pad towards moksh.

Such intensity naturally brings tears, inner pain, restlessness. In Jain terms, this is no subtle emotion; this is the soul shaking its own chains.

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3. Connection with dīkshā (renunciation)

You said:

• 10 years ago you contemplated taking dīkshā, but left it.
• Now again the thought of dīkshā came strongly.

From Jain point of view:

• Repeated, strong thoughts of dīkshā
• Combined with detachment and moksha-aim

…are signs that your karmic stock is carrying strong past saṃskārs of renunciation.

It does not automatically mean:

• “You must take dīkshā right now”
• Or “You are wrong if you remain a shravak / shravikā”

But it does mean:

• Your soul has tasted this path before.
• You have deep internal connection to vairāgya and moksha.

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4. “Within 5 births” – How to see this in Jain way?

You said:

> “It’s high time I must attain moksh within a maximum of 5 births.”

From Jain dharma:

• Number of births (1, 5, 10, etc.) is ultimately decided by your karmas and spiritual effort.
• But setting a strong inner sankalp (resolution) like “I do not want to wander long; I want quick progress” is very good.

How to hold this correctly:

1. Use it as inspiration, not pressure.
2. Don’t get stuck on the exact count; focus on:

- Today’s pratikraman - Today’s ahimsa, satya, brahmacharya - Today’s swādhyāy and samyak drishti.

If the soul really lives like this, whether moksh comes in 1 birth, 5 births, or 50 – it will definitely come.

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5. Wanting to help everyone – is that right?

You felt:

> “The path shown by Tirthankar Bhagwān belongs not only to me but every soul. Everyone must walk on it. I must help everyone attain moksh.”

This is a beautiful and very pure feeling. In Jain dharma:

• Tirthankar Bhagwān is called “Sarva-jiva-hita-kāri” – one who works for the good of all souls.
• You are reflecting that same bhāva in small form.

But remember two important truths:

(a) You cannot force anyone’s moksh

• Every soul has its own karmas, own timing.
• You can:

- Live as a true example - Speak gently about dharma - Inspire by love, not pressure

But you cannot carry them to moksh; you can only show the way.

(b) The best help to others: purify yourself

• When you walk steadily towards moksh:

- Your aura, your speech, your decisions start inspiring naturally. - Even your silent presence can help someone turn inward.

So your thought, > “I must help everyone attain moksh” is correct if first part is: > “I must first walk properly on that path myself.”

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6. Is this depression, or something spiritual?

From outside, it may look like:

• You are sad
• You are crying
• You are disturbed about life and death

But from Jain viewpoint, the inner content of your thoughts matters:

• You are not saying “Life is useless, I want to die.”
• You are saying “Life in saṃsār is empty; I want moksh.”

This is not clinical depression; it is spiritual awakening mixed with emotional pain.

However:

• If at any point thoughts of self-harm or complete hopelessness come,

- Then you must seek help immediately – spiritual guidance and, if needed, professional mental help.

• Jain dharma never supports:

- Suicide - Giving up in frustration

• True vairāgya = clear, peaceful, goal-oriented;

not violent towards self.

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7. What can you do now, practically?

You asked for more detail; so here is a practical Jain roadmap that matches your inner state:

Step 1: Stabilize your vairāgya

These intense feelings come like a wave. The aim is to convert the wave into a steady river.

You can:

• Do daily samayik – even 20–30 minutes:

- Sit straight - Focus on soul as separate from body and roles - Reflect on: - “I am a pure soul” - “All roles (child, parent, worker) are temporary”

• Read or listen to Jain śāstra daily (as per your tradition – Digambar / Śvetāmbara).

Choose topics like: - Nature of soul - Karmas - Saṃsār and Moksh

This will nourish your present understanding and stop it from fading away.

Step 2: Strengthen your samyak drishti-type thinking

Your thoughts are very close to right worldview:

• Belief in:

- Soul - Infinite births - Moksh - Tirthankar as perfect guide

Now:

• Try to keep this vision alive even in daily work:

- While working, remember: “I am using this work as a tool; real goal is purification.” - When you see pain in others, silently do kṣamā & maitrī bhāvanā: - “May this soul move towards peace and moksh.”

Step 3: Clarify your path regarding dīkshā

Given your background:

1. Meet a wise Jain monk / nun / learned shravak-shravikā in your tradition.
2. Openly share:

- Your past 10-year-old dīkshā thought - Your recent experiences - Your present life responsibilities

1. Ask for:

- Honest guidance: “Should I prepare for serious shravak dharma now, or is my path really towards dīkshā later?”

Jain dharma says:

• Shravak / shravikā life lived with:

- strong vows, - regular pratikraman, - internal detachment,

can also take you very far spiritually.

• Dīkshā is highest, but only when:

- It comes with deep, stable inner preparedness, - Not only with temporary emotion.

Your current feeling is a signal to go deeper, not to rush blindly.

Step 4: Transform sadness into karuṇā and energy

When you:

• See people suffering
• Think of your own infinite wandering
• Feel like crying

Use it like this:

• Do Anukampa-bhāvanā:

- “I pray that all souls, including me, slowly move towards right faith and moksh.”

• Make small, steady decisions:

- Less anger, less greed in daily life - More non-violence in food, speech, habits - Regular giving: time, money, or energy to support real dharma.

This way, your sorrow becomes fuel for purification, not just pain.

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8. In one line: what are you experiencing?

Putting all together:

You are experiencing a strong rise of vairāgya and mumukshutā, triggered by saṃvega (shock of seeing death and meaninglessness of routine life), expressed as nirveda towards saṃsār and karuṇā for all suffering souls.

This is spiritually very auspicious. If you now handle it wisely, slowly, and steadily with real Jain practices, this phase can become a turning point of your soul’s journey.