What is happening inside you is very precious according to Jain dharma. Let’s put clear names and understanding to it, and then talk about diksha.

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1. What is this feeling inside you?

From what you wrote, several deep spiritual bhav (inner states) are awakening together:

(a) Samvega – तीव्र वैराग्य भाव

Samvega means:

• A deep shock on seeing death, suffering, and the helpless cycle of birth–death
• Feeling: “What am I doing in this endless routine? This life is going without true purpose.”

You experienced this:

• When you saw that uncle’s death poster and were shaken from inside
• When you realized the routine of worldly life – study, job, marriage, children, earning money, then death – and felt “Is this all? I can’t carry any of this ahead.”

This is classic samvega – a spiritual shock that wakes the soul from deep sleep.

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(b) Vairagya – विरक्ति (disgust & detachment from sansar)

You clearly wrote:

• “Life was with no purpose.”
• “I won't be taking away the money to my next birth.”
• “I have wandered as ant, king, beggar, tree, whale, dog, lizard, spider etc. infinite times and borne pain.”

This is vairagya – a very deep inner disgust for worldly repetition and attachment, and a desire to get free from it.

Vairagya is not hatred for people, but detachment from the illusion that:

• Money, status, routine life = true happiness

You’re beginning to see through that illusion. This is spiritually very high.

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(c) Samyaktva-bija – बीज रूप में सम्यक दर्शन की जागृति

You are thinking:

• “It’s high time I must attain moksh within a maximum of 5 births.”
• “The path shown by Tirthankar Bhagwan belongs to every soul, not only me.”
• “Everyone should walk on it. I must help everyone attain moksh.”

These thoughts show:

• Faith in the Jain path (Tirthankar’s path)
• Belief in moksha as the true goal
• Karuna (compassion) for all living beings

This is a seed form of Samyak Darshan (right vision) – or at least a very strong inclination toward it.

Even if full samyak darshan has not yet arisen, the bija (seed) is strongly active.

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(d) Anitya-bhavana – Impermanence awareness

You deeply felt:

• People die suddenly
• Body, relations, wealth – all are temporary
• Only karma and soul’s state continue

This is anitya-bhavana (contemplation on impermanence), one of the classical Jain bhavanas. Such contemplation reduces attachment and pushes the soul toward liberation.

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(e) Karuna & Lok-kalyan bhav – Compassion for all souls

You wrote:

> “The path shown by the tirthankar bhagwaan belongs not only to me but every soul in this sansaar, so everyone walk on it. I must help everyone attain moksh.”

This is pure karuna (compassion) and lok-kalyan bhav:

• Not just “I should be free”
• But “All souls are suffering, all should be free.”

This is a very Tirthankar-like bhav (not saying you are Tirthankar, but the direction of thought is similar – universal goodwill).

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So, what would I call all this together?

In Jain language, what you are going through can be described as:

• उदित वैराग्य – arising of deep detachment
• संवेग – spiritual shock awakening you from worldly illusion
• मोक्षमार्ग की प्रबल इच्छाशक्ति – intense desire for liberation
• Mixed with करुणा and लोककल्याण भाव

This is not madness, not depression in the worldly sense – it is a spiritually meaningful inner churning.

However, because the mind is not stable yet, it comes with:

• Intense sadness
• Restlessness
• Feeling “What should I do now?”

That is normal when moha (deluding karma) starts shaking but is not fully destroyed yet.

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2. Why did this feeling come 10 years ago, go away, and again come now?

This is very important to understand.

Jain view:

• These spurts of intense vairagya are often the result of

some past-life punya + partial weakening of mohaniya karma.

• For some time, the veil over the soul gets thinner, so you see the truth very clearly.
• Then old habits, attachments, company (sang), pleasures, fears pull you back, and the feeling fades.

So:

• 10 years ago: you read scriptures, got samvega, thought of diksha → then it faded.
• Now again: shock of death, contemplation on sansar → same bhav reawakens.

This means:

• Your soul has genuine spiritual sanskars.
• But the stability (sthirtha) of that bhav is not yet mature.

In Jain dharma, this is respected but also handled carefully. Why? Because:

• Taking big life decisions (like diksha) in a temporary wave can later result in regret, which is spiritually harmful.

So, your feelings are very holy, but they need:

• Right guidance
• Consistent practice
• Time to stabilize

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3. Why should one take diksha? (According to Jain dharma)

In simple Jain terms, diksha is taken because:

1. Only diksha allows full practice of the five Mahavrats

- Absolute ahimsa, satya, asteya, brahmacharya, aparigraha - A shravak/shravika follows smaller vows; a sadhu/sadhvi follows the purest form.

1. Root cause of bondage = raag–dvesh (attachment–aversion)

- Diksha is a conscious decision to cut worldly attachments as deeply as possible.

1. Moksha is only from the state of muni / arihant, not from householder state

- Grihastha life is for preparation. - Final destruction of karma requires the life of total renunciation.

1. All Tirthankars and Kevalis took diksha

- They walked this path; so, the tradition is clear – complete renunciation is the highway to moksha.

A clear, simple explanation is also given here: “You can read more here ”

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4. But should you personally take diksha right now?

This is very subtle.

Jain dharma would say:

1. Respect and protect this vairagya.

Do not ignore it, do not drown it in entertainment, pleasure, or over-socializing.

1. Do not rush to an emotional decision either.

Taking diksha in a wave of sadness is risky.

For diksha, traditionally, Acharyas look for:

• Stable, long-term vairagya, not only a few days or weeks
• Samyak shraddha (true faith) in tattvas, not blind emotion
• Ability to bear hardships (heat, cold, hunger, insult, loneliness)
• No major inner confusion or mental disturbance at the time of decision

So in your case:

• The direction is clearly toward moksha & renunciation.
• But you yourself say:

- 10 years ago you felt like this and then abandoned the idea. - This time, the feeling lasted only a few days, along with extreme sadness.

That tells us:

> The bhav is real and high, but not yet fully stable and balanced.

So the wise Jain way is:

• Nurture it
• Purify it
• Stabilize it
• Under guidance of a living Guru (sadhu/sadhvi/acharya)

Then, if after deep study, regular sadhana, and time, the desire becomes:

• Peaceful
• Steady
• Fearless
• Free from emotional storm

– then diksha can be truly right and strong.

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5. Your sadness and tears – spiritual or just depression?

From your words, your sadness is mainly because:

• You see the futility of sansar
• You feel pity and compassion for suffering beings
• You feel regret that you’ve roamed in so many yonis infinite times

This is not ordinary depression. In Jain terms, it is:

• जागृति का दर्द – the pain of awakening
• भवबन्धन से ऊब – deep tiredness of bondage

However, remember:

• True samyak vairagya finally leads to

shanti (inner peace) and spashta nishchay (clear determination)

• Not constant burning, confusion, or self-torture

So right now you are in a transition phase:

• Old attractions are losing taste
• New clear stability has not yet fully formed

This feels like intense inner storm – but it is purifying if guided rightly.

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6. How to handle this state practically now

To convert this temporary wave into permanent spiritual progress, you can:

(1) Strengthen right understanding (Jnan)

• Study Jain tattva-gyaan regularly:

- 9 Tattvas - 7/12 Bhavanas - Life stories of Tirthankars & great sadhus/sadhvis

• Read calmly, not in a hurried or desperate mood.

(2) Do daily swadhyay + pratikraman

• Even as a grihastha, you can:

- Do Samayik (if possible, daily or weekly) - Do Alochana–Pratikraman for past mistakes - Sit quietly and reflect on anitya, asharira, asang, ekatva bhavana etc.

This will channel your sadness into purification, not into hopelessness.

(3) Stay in satsang & contact with genuine sadhus / sadhvis

• Speak openly to a wise Jain monk or nun about your feelings.
• They can:

- Test the stability of your bhav - Give you gradual steps - Tell you whether to: - Prepare for diksha in this life, or - Strengthen as a powerful shravak/shravika first

(4) Live as a serious shravak/shravika for now

Until diksha decision is mature, you can:

• Follow anuvratas strongly
• Reduce:

- unnecessary possessions - show-off lifestyle - intense desires for taste, luxury, status

• Increase:

- Daya (compassion) in food, speech, behaviour - Daan (charity), especially toward spiritual causes - Seva of sadhus/sadhvis & Jain sangh

This life itself can become a mini-renunciation, preparing you for bigger steps.

(5) Your desire: “I want moksha in max 5 births”

This intensity is wonderful, but remember:

• Moksha is not achieved by counting births, but by:

- Destroying mohaniya karma, - Perfecting samyak darshan–jnan–charitra

So instead of:

> “I must get moksha in 5 births”

Convert it to:

> “From today, I will live each day in such a way that I move closer to samyak darshan and total renunciation, whenever that fruition comes.”

This keeps the aim high, but the mind calm.

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7. In one line – what is going on with you?

You are experiencing a strong awakening of samvega and vairagya, mixed with karuna for all souls and a deep desire for moksha, but it is still in a stormy, unstable phase that needs:

• Time
• Guidance
• Regular sadhana

to ripen into either:

• Stable diksha-bhav, or
• Extremely powerful shravak/shravika life leading toward future diksha and moksha.

Treat this phase as grace, not as a burden. Protect it, refine it, and let it guide your choices step by step, under the eyes of Jinvaani and Guru.