1. About that incident with the thirsty mother and injured child

You are remembering this even after ~11 years. That itself shows how sensitive and compassionate your soul is.

From Jain drishti:

• At that time, you did not knowingly refuse water.

- Signal became green, car moved, you did not fully notice her situation. - So, from the aspect of karma, it is not a deliberate cruelty, but a case of ajñān / apramattatā (lack of awareness / attentiveness).

• The strong duḥkh, regret and daya that arose in you afterwards is actually very high punya-bhāv.

- Many people would forget and move on; you did inner pratikraman in your own way, feeling, “I should have helped.” - This sincere regret reduces the intensity of karmas.

What was unnecessary was:

• Punishing your body by not drinking water for a day as a reaction of guilt

- In Jain dharma, tapas (fasting, niyams, etc.) is very high – but it should be: - Done with right understanding - According to strength (yathā-śakti) - With shānti & dharma-bhāv, not with self-hatred or frustration

• You did a niyam beyond your capacity, then later could not continue and had to drink water.

- This shows that your bhāv was pure, but the method was immature / not guided.

A more Jain way in such cases would be:

• Do mental pratikraman:

- “Micchāmi dukkaḍaṃ – by mind, speech, and body if I caused any harm, may it be forgiven.”

• Make a positive vow for the future instead of negative self-punishment, for example:

- “From now, whenever I clearly see a thirsty or suffering being and I have the genuine capacity, I will definitely help.”

• This changes guilt into compassionate action.

So, spiritually, that incident did not show your weakness – it was actually a turning point that awakened your dayā and dharma-bhāv.

1. Guilt that you broke your own “no water” dharna

You tried to keep your vow till evening and then could not bear it and drank water.

From Jain viewpoint:

• A self-taken vow beyond capacity and then broken is not ideal, but:

- You did not break it out of carelessness or fun. - You broke it under physical need + mental disturbance.

• For such things, Jain acharyas advise:

- Take small, realistic niyams first. - Slowly increase. - Never take a vow just under emotional shock.

Simple pratikraman for this:

• “I took a niyam which was beyond my current strength. I will now take smaller, steady niyams, and keep them properly.”
• This is a mature, Jain approach.

Please do not keep lifelong guilt for such things. Use the memory as a reminder to be more alert and compassionate, not as a permanent wound.

1. Bhavya and Abhavya Jīvas – and your fear

Your mother explained:

• Bhavya jiva – soul capable of attaining samyak-darshan and moksha sometime in eternity.
• Abhavya jiva – soul which, because of very strong wrong-attitudes and karmas, will never attain moksha.

Your reaction:

• You became extremely sad that some jivas will never be free.
• Immediately you started to think:

- “Am I abhavya?” - “Will I get moksha?”

From Jain drishti, this is a very important sign:

• Acharyas say:

- The one who deeply worries: > “Will I get moksha? How can I become pure? How can I help others?” is clearly showing bhavya-bhāv.

• An abhavya does not feel:

- pain for others’ endless wandering, - attraction towards dharma, - interest in moksha and tirthankars. They are indifferent.

You:

• Felt pain for eternally wandering jivas.
• Felt fear of being cut off from moksha.
• Developed an immense desire to become Tirthankar.
• Started doing Guru-vandana 108 times daily.
• Had diksha-bhāv.

All this is a direct, natural proof of bhavyatā. Your inner reactions are opposite of abhavya-lakṣaṇ. So, from traditional Jain understanding, your fear “maybe I am abhavya” is itself the proof that you are not.

1. Your desire to become a Tirthankar

Within a few days you had a strong desire:

• “How to become a Tirthankar?”
• “I want to help bhavya jivas attain moksha.”
• “I want to give sukh in sansār to abhavya jivas too.”
• “I will help everyone and then only go to moksha.”

This is not an ordinary wish.

Jain shastra says:

• A Tirthankar is a jiva in whom Tirthankar-nāma-karma has fructified – one who:

- attains keval-jnān, - establishes/revives Jain sangh, - shows the path of liberation to countless jivas. (You can read more here )

The causes of Tirthankar-nāma-karma (tirthankar-prakṛti) given in shastras include:

• Very high, universal compassion
• Always working for sarva-jiva-hita (welfare of all beings)
• Great reverence to siddhas, arihants, acharyas, sadhus
• Uniting and guiding others towards dharma
• Extremely pure tyāg, śīl and daya-bhāv

Your thoughts:

• “I want to help bhavya jivas reach moksha.”
• “Even abhavya jivas – I want to at least lessen their dukh and give them sukh in sansār.”
• “First I will help everyone, then I will go to moksha.”

show the same direction of heart – sarva-jiva-dayā.

Whether this exact nama-karma is already bound in previous lives or not is a deep karmic matter, but:

• Having such shuddha ichchhā (pure aspiration)
• And living your life increasingly according to Jain principles

definitely creates extremely high punya and pavitra karma-bandh.

Even if one does not become a Tirthankar, such bhav leads to:

• birth in higher gatis,
• samyak-darshan,
• moksha-prāpti or at least very near stages in future lives.

So never think, “It was foolish to desire Tirthankarhood.” It was actually one of the most pavitra moments of your soul’s journey.

1. Your wish to “free everyone first, then go to moksha”

This bhav is very beautiful and very subtle:

• In reality, each jiva liberates itself by destroying its own karmas.
• Even Tirthankars do not “carry” anyone to moksha; they show the path perfectly.
• Still, the compassionate bhav “May others benefit first, may I be last” is found in very high souls.

In Jainism:

• We are advised to balance two truths:

1. I alone am responsible for my bondage and liberation. 2. Having vast compassion and helping others understand dharma is a great, high punya and purifies us very fast.

So, how to keep your beautiful bhav in a right way:

• Internally:

- “May all jivas attain true happiness. May I walk the path sincerely and become capable of guiding whosoever is bhavya and receptive.”

• Practically:

- Help others through: - dāna (giving – food, water, knowledge, fearlessness), - vāṇī (gentle, truthful speech), - seva to sadhus-sadhvis, - sharing Jain tattva when appropriate.

Your desire to reduce the suffering of even those who will never attain moksha (abhavya) is also valuable:

• They also experience sukh-dukh.
• Your kindness can be a nimitta for their better births, less pain, more peace.
• Even if they never become liberated, your dayā is never wasted – it always purifies you.

1. Your Tikuto-ka / Guru-vandana 108 times and leaving it

You started doing Tikutoka pāṭh (Guru-vandana) 108 times daily for 6 months, then stopped due to laziness.

From a Jain angle:

• Starting such a niyam and maintaining it for six months is already a big achievement, not a small thing.
• Laziness (pramāda) is one of the biggest internal enemies mentioned by acharyas. So:

- Feeling that “Laziness ruined my niyam” is a good sign of inner wakefulness.

Instead of self-criticism, apply Jain wisdom:

• Consider:

- Was 108 times daily sustainable lifelong? - Would 21 times, or fixed morning–evening vandana, have been easier to maintain?

• The path suggested by acharyas:

- Take fixed, realistic daily niyams (e.g. - minimum Navkār mantra x times, - Guru-vandana once/twice, - small pratikraman at night, - avoid certain foods on certain days, etc.) - Then, never break them without a real helplessness reason.

You can now:

• Restart a smaller, stable routine:

- e.g., “Daily once Tikuto-ka with full concentration,” or - “Daily Guru-vandana 9 or 21 times.”

• On special days, or when you feel strong, do 108 as extra tapas, not a compulsory rule.

Thus, your earlier six months’ effort is not lost; it is stored as punya and saṃskār. Use it as a stepping stone, not as a source of regret.

1. Your diksha-bhāv

You mentioned: > “I had thought of taking diksha. I also had a bhav of taking diksha.”

In Jain dharma:

• Diksha = formal renunciation of worldly life, becoming sadhu/sadhvi.

- It is the direct path to moksha, where the mahā-vratas are practiced perfectly. - You can read more on the subject of diksha here

Good to understand:

• True diksha comes when:

- Deep vairaagya (dispassion) becomes stable, - Family karmas, responsibilities, body–mind conditions all align, - Strong inner calling and blessings of guru / sangh meet together.

• Till that time:

- You should live as a strong shravak/shravika. - Follow: - Anuvratas (small vows), - Guṇa-vratas, - Śikṣā-vratas, - As much tapas, samayik, pratikraman as practically possible.

Very important:

• Having diksha-bhāv even if you do not yet take diksha in this life is itself extremely powerful:

- It forms strong karmic causes for: - either actual diksha in later part of this life, or - diksha in a future birth under a Tirthankar or great acharya.

So, do not pressurize yourself with:

• “If I don’t take diksha immediately, I am a failure.”

Instead hold this mature view:

• “My goal is the purity and renunciation that diksha represents.

In whatever conditions Bhagwan’s law has placed me now, I will live as close as possible to that ideal. If and when full diksha is possible and right, I will joyfully accept it.”

1. What your story really shows about your soul

Putting it all together, your life-story so far shows:

1. Very strong dayā – you still feel pain for that injured child and thirsty mother.
2. High sensitivity to dharma – as soon as you heard “Jain dharma is true dharma” and learned about Kālchakra, your heart accepted and became genuinely interested.
3. Deep concern about moksha – you immediately worried whether you will attain moksha, and whether all jivas will.
4. Universal compassion – you thought about bhavya and abhavya jivas, wanting both:

- moksha for the first, - sukh (relief from suffering) for the second.

1. Aspirations of Tirthankar-bhāv – a very rare and pavitra desire.
2. Strong tapas-bhāv and guru-bhakti – your attempt of 108 Guru-vandanas daily for months shows this.
3. Honest self-awareness – you openly admit laziness, failure to maintain niyams, doubts about your own capacity.

From a Jain perspective, these are not symptoms of an abhavya soul; they are traits of a very awake, very bhavya, and promising soul.

Please understand:

• Your “mistakes” (not giving water in time, breaking a harsh niyam, stopping 108 vandanas) are not signs of spiritual unworthiness.
• They are normal steps in the growth of a sincere seeker.
• What truly matters is:

- You remember, - You reflect, - You want to become better, - You are turning towards dharma again and again.

1. How you can move ahead now – in a balanced Jain way

To honour all these inner experiences, you can:

1. Do gentle, daily pratikraman

- At least mentally at night: - Recall the day, - Where you lacked dayā, satya, ahimsa, etc., - Say internally: “Micchāmi dukkaḍaṃ” and resolve to improve.

1. Set small but firm niyams

- Example: - “I will not waste water.” - “Whenever I clearly see real thirst/suffering and I can genuinely help without big conflict, I will help.” - “Daily, I will do Navkār Mantra X times with full attention.”

1. Continue study (svādhyāy)

- Read / listen to simple Jain tattva, life-stories of Tirthankars, Ganadhars, satis, shravaks. - Stories like Prabhāvatī’s deep remorse and then diksha show how regret channelled correctly leads to great heights. You can read one such story here

1. Keep your Tirthankar-bhāv and diksha-bhāv alive – but peaceful

- Don’t constantly question, “Am I worthy?” - Instead think, “How can I make my today a little more pure – in thoughts, speech, and actions?” - True Tirthankar-bhāv is shown through: - quiet compassion, - kindness, - honesty, - self-discipline, - respect for all jivas.

1. Transform guilt into gratitude

- For that incident 11 years back, try thinking: - “Because of that child and mother, my heart opened more. They were nimitta for my inner growth. Let me honour them by helping others now.”

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In summary:

Your journey – from that one painful moment at the traffic signal to these deep thoughts about bhavya/abhavya, moksha, Tirthankarhood, diksha, and tapas – shows a soul with very strong Jain saṃskārs from past lives.

Do not let guilt or self-doubt darken this. Walk steadily, simply, and sincerely on the path of ahimsa, dayā, tyāg, and samyak-darshan-bhāv.

Every such step is taking you closer to the true purpose of your soul.