What you have written shows a very pure and sensitive bhāv. Feeling sad for other jīvas, wanting everyone’s moksha, wanting even abhavya jīvas to get sukha, doing guruvandan 108 times, thinking of dīkṣā and even tīrthankar-bhāv – all this is not ordinary. This is a sign of a deeply religious heart.

Let’s clear your main worries one by one, in very simple Jain terms.

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1. Bhavya and Abhavya – what does it really mean?

According to Jain dharma:

• Bhavya jīva

– Has capacity for moksha. – Can develop icchhā (desire) for moksha. – Can get samyak-darshan, samyak-jñān, samyak-chāritra and finally be liberated.

• Abhavya jīva

– Has no capacity to ever develop true desire for moksha. – Never gets samyak-darshan. – Wanders in saṁsār forever.

A clear explanation is also given here .

Important point: Jain āgams and ācāryas say – only a kevalī can truly know who is bhavya or abhavya. We cannot know it about ourselves or others with our ordinary knowledge.

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2. “Am I an abhavya jīva?” – your fear

You became very sad after hearing there are abhavya jīvas, and immediately two questions arose:

1. “What if I am abhavya?”
2. “Will I get moksha or not?”

In Jain view, your own questions and feelings are already a big clue:

• You feel deep attraction (ruchi) toward dharma.
• You have strong desire for moksha, even for tīrthankar-bhāv.
• You did pratikraman, guruvandan, thought about dīkṣā.
• You want to help all jīvas, not only yourself.

An abhavya jīva is incapable of this kind of spiritual feeling. So, from the Jain standpoint, such intense moksha-bhāv is a sign of bhavyatā, not abhavyatā.

You can peacefully tell your mind:

> “The very fear – ‘Will I get moksha?’ – and the strong desire for moksha are themselves strong evidence that I am a bhavya jīva.”

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3. “I wanted to become a Tīrthankar, help everyone, then go to moksha”

This is an extremely uttam bhāv:

• Wanting to help bhavya jīvas attain moksha.
• Wanting to give sukha to even those called abhavya jīvas.
• Wanting to go to moksha only after helping all.

Two clarifications from Jain siddhānt:

1. No one can “wait” for all jīvas to be free.

Saṁsār has anant (infinite) jīvas. Even Tīrthankars cannot make every jīva liberated. They show the path; each jīva walks by its own puruṣārth (effort).

1. Even a Tīrthankar finally goes to moksha when his own karmas end.

He does not remain in saṁsār “by choice” after keval-jñān is over. Dharma says: when all karmas are destroyed, the soul naturally rises to Siddhaśilā.

So your bhāv, in pure form, is:

• “Let me become so pure that I can truly benefit other jīvas, and walk firmly towards moksha.”

That is completely in line with Jain dharma.

If you want to understand moksha more clearly, you can read here and .

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4. “I did guruvandan 108 times for six months, then left it due to laziness”

Do not hate yourself for this.

In Jain dharma:

• Falling from a practice is called pramāda (carelessness), not proof of being abhavya.
• Even great sādhus have phases of weakness in earlier bhavs.
• What matters is:

- To accept: “Yes, I became lazy.” - To do ālociṇā / pratikraman: feel true regret. - And to start again, even in a smaller but steady way.

You can simply restart like this:

• Do 1 guruvandan daily with full attention instead of 108 mechanically.
• Or do Navkār mantra with real bhāv for 5–10 minutes every day.
• Do daily samayik even for 15 minutes, if possible.

Slow, steady, sincere practice is more valuable than big numbers done for a short time.

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5. About dīkṣā – and your current stage

Your bhāv for dīkṣā is very pure and high. According to Jain dharma:

• Goal for everyone is moksha.
• Dīkṣā is the direct and highest path, but:

- It needs very strong vairāgya (detachment). - Very firm nirgrantha-bhāv (desire to live without possessions and ties). - And ācārya’s guidance.

Till that time comes in real, practical form in life, your role is:

• As a gṛhastha (householder):

- Protect and grow your samyak-darshan-bhāv. - Follow aṇuvratas (small vows) as much as you can. - Keep your inner desire for moksha alive.

Dīkṣā is not lost just because you are not taking it right now. If it is truly in your karma, that moment will ripen when your bhāv, circumstances, and guru’s permission all come together.

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6. Your true “purpose” according to Jain dharma

Based on Jain siddhānt, your soul’s purpose can be expressed simply:

1. Know your own soul – separate from body, mind, relations, emotions.
2. Reduce and finally destroy karma – by Right Faith, Right Knowledge, Right Conduct.
3. Help other jīvas with compassion, without attachment, as your capacity allows.
4. Gradually move towards moksha, not run away from it out of fear or guilt.

Your compassionate desire > “First help others, then go to moksha”

is good, but remember: The highest help you give to others is by walking the path yourself. Your own progress becomes light for everyone around you.

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In Short

• Your strong interest in Jain dharma, moksha, dīkṣā, tīrthankar-bhāv, and compassion for all jīvas are clear marks of a bhavya jīva, not abhavya.
• Only a kevalī can know exactly who is abhavya; we should not torture ourselves with that thought.
• Do not be discouraged by temporary laziness. Do ālociṇā, forgive yourself, and start again in a simple, steady way.
• Keep your moksha-icchhā and dayā-bhāv alive. Live as a sincere gṛhastha now; if true dīkṣā-bhāv matures, dharma will open that path at the right time.

May your bhav for moksha, dīkṣā, and compassion for all jīvas keep increasing, and may your soul steadily move towards its own pure, siddha-svarūp.