In Jain dharma, what you are describing is not a small thing at all.

In simple Jain terms, your experience is mainly:

• Vairāgya (deep inner dispassion / detachment from saṃsār)
• Saṃsār‑bhay & mṛtyu‑bhay (existential fear and shock about the endless cycle and death)
• Mokṣa‑icchā (intense desire for liberation)
• Dīkṣhā‑pravṛtti (inner movement / pull towards renunciation)

Let’s unpack this slowly in a way that fits what you felt.

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1. What exactly is happening inside you?

From what you wrote:

• Seeing that uncle’s death poster shook you from inside.
• Life suddenly looked like an empty circle:

birth → studies → job → marriage → children → their studies → their marriage → earning money 30–40 years → some outings → death.

• You felt: “This has no real purpose, and I will not carry any of this money or status to my next birth.”
• You felt very sad for many days, not just casually disturbed.
• You had tears thinking:

- “I have wandered enough.” - “I have been ant, king, beggar, tree, whale, dog, lizard, spider, etc. infinite times.” - “It is high time I attain mokṣa within a maximum of 5 births.”

• You also felt: “The path of Tīrthankar Bhagwān is for every soul. I must help others also walk on it.”

This combination, in Jain language, is called strong Vairāgya joined with Samyak Darshan–like feelings (glimpses of right vision).

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2. Why did this one death poster trigger you so much?

You yourself say:

• In the last 10 years you have seen many other death posters.
• You have seen dead bodies of relatives.
• You had thought of dīkṣā 10 years ago, but that feeling faded.
• But this time it stayed, became very deep, and turned into strong sadness plus determination.

From the angle of Jain karma theory:

1. Old saṃskārs & karmas ripened now

- Vairāgya is not “created” in one moment. It is usually the fruit of many past lives of listening to dharma, doing some tapa, punya, respect to sadhus, etc. - Sometimes the right external event (here, that uncle’s sudden death poster) becomes the spark that lights the inner store of dry wood (your old spiritual impressions). - Ten years ago, you also felt something, but the inner stock (bhāva, saṃskār, uday of karma) was not as ripe as now. So it did not go so deep or so long.

1. Nimitta is different, not just the event

- Many people see death posters and move on in 1–2 minutes. - Sometimes, one single event becomes a powerful nimitta (external cause) because the internal condition is ready. - This uncle, that time, your mental state, your previous karmas – everything matched. So this poster worked like a loud wake‑up call to your soul.

1. Dravya‑paryāy change: the soul is tired of roaming

- You beautifully worded: “My soul has become everything infinite times and borne pain; now enough.” - In Jain terms, this is saṃsār‑virakti – a deep tiredness and disgust towards endless rebirth, mixed with a strong wish to end it by following the Tīrthankar path. - Such a feeling does not come with every death you see; it comes when your inner maturity reaches a certain point.

So, it is not that this uncle was special; rather, your karmas and your inner maturity were at a special point when you saw his poster.

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3. What would Jain dharma “call” this feeling?

If we had to put clear Jain names:

1. Vairāgya (Dispassion from Saṃsār)

- When you feel “All this routine of job, marriage, children, money, social life etc. is ultimately meaningless; I want something beyond”, that is vairāgya. - It is not depression. It is a clear seeing that worldly pleasures are temporary and cannot give permanent peace.

1. Saṃsār‑bhay & Mṛtyu‑bhay (Fear of cycle and death as wake‑up, not panic)

- Not the childish fear “I will die!”, but a spiritual fear: “If I do not change now, I will continue meaningless births and deaths.” - This kind of fear is considered good in Jainism because it pushes you towards dharma.

1. Mokṣa‑icchā / Mukti‑lālasa (Intense thirst for liberation)

- Your thought “I must attain mokṣa within 5 births at most” is clearly strong desire for liberation. - Wanting to end saṃsār, not just improve it, is the sign of deep spiritual progress.

1. Dīkṣā‑pravṛtti & Vairāgi‑bhāva

- You seriously thought of taking dīkṣā (both 10 years ago and now). - Someone who has such repetition of thought, especially with sadness about saṃsār, is often called “vairāgi” or “dīkṣhārthī” in Jain usage – a person whose heart is pulling towards renunciation. ( jainknowledge.com)

1. Karunā‑bhāva (Compassion)

- You also felt: “So many beings are suffering from disease, atrocities, wandering in all gatis. The path is for everyone. I want to help people attain mokṣa.” - This is compassion rooted in true vision – not just social help, but wanting spiritual welfare (paramārtha‑kalyāṇ) for all.

In simple words: Your feeling is deep Jain vairāgya + mokṣa‑icchā + compassion, awakened strongly by one death incident because your inner karmas were ready.

You can read more on detachment and vairāgya in simple language here: You can read more here and here .

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4. Why did the feeling fade after a few days?

This is also very natural, and Jain dharma explains it through karma and kasāyas (passions):

• For a few days, udaya of good karmas gave you strong clarity and vairāgya.
• Slowly, old habits, attachments, and other karmas again became active:

- Routine of life - Comforts - Fears (family, career, social pressure) - Subtle attachment to pleasures and security

So the flame did not disappear, but it got covered by smoke again.

Jain texts say: when such vairāgya comes, do not ignore it as a passing mood. Even if you cannot take dīkṣā immediately:

• Strengthen it with svādhyāy (study of Jain dharma)
• Pratikraman and samayik
• Time with sādhus, sādhvīs, upādhyāys if possible
• Simpler living, fewer possessions (aparigraha)
• Regular reminder of death (maraṇānusmṛti)

Over time, this transforms temporary sadness into stable, pure, peaceful vairāgya.

You can read about how Jainism describes the path to mokṣa here: You can read more here .

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5. Is this depression or is it spiritual?

Very important distinction:

• Depression usually feels like:

- “Nothing has meaning, and there is no way out.” - Heavy hopelessness, no energy, no interest in anything.

• Spiritual vairāgya feels like:

- “Worldly routine has no ultimate meaning – but there is a higher path.” - There is sadness about saṃsār, but also respect and attraction towards Tīrthankar’s path. - There is energy to change (e.g., thinking of dīkṣā, wanting mokṣa in 5 births, wanting to help others).

Your description clearly matches spiritual vairāgya, not simple depression, though emotions can mix.

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6. What can you do with this feeling now?

From a Jain point of view:

1. Do not suppress it; honour it.

This kind of clarity is very rare and is considered a great punya‑udaya and sign of soul’s tiredness with saṃsār.

1. Stabilize it with understanding (jñān)

- Regularly read / listen about: - Four gatis (nārak, tiryañc, manuṣya, dev) and their sufferings. - Lives of renunciates like Jambu Kumar, etc., whose vairāgya woke up suddenly and led to dīkṣā. ( jainknowledge.com) - This changes raw emotion into steady conviction.

1. Take small, firm steps (if not ready for dīkṣā yet)

- Follow lay vows (anuvrat) more seriously. - Increase ahimsa, aparigraha (simplicity, less possessions). - Fix daily time for samayik / pratikraman / jaap. - Keep company (online or offline) with those who have genuine dharma‑interest.

1. If the pull towards dīkṣā continues

- In Jain tradition, when such feelings come again and again and become stable, peaceful, and strong, many souls move towards actual dīkṣā with guidance from ācāryas / sadhus / sadhvīs. - This should be done calmly, with vivek (discrimination) and without haste, but also without running away from the inner truth.

You can read a simple overview of what happens when someone takes dīkṣā here: You can read more here and also why Jain dharma gives so much importance to dīkṣā here: You can read more here .

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7. Summary in one line

What you are feeling is true Jain vairāgya and mokṣa‑icchā, awakened strongly at this time because your inner karmas and maturity have ripened; this is why this one incident of death touched you so deeply while many others in the past did not.