Answer

What you have described shows a very sensitive soul, strong compassion, deep fear of sin, attraction toward Jain Dharma, and repeated repentance after anger or bad thoughts. These are spiritually significant.

But based on Jain Dharma, no ordinary person should declare with certainty: “I am Samyagdrishti,” “I am Abhavya,” “I will become Tirthankar,” or “I have bound nikachit karma.” These are extremely subtle matters of the soul and karma. They cannot be confirmed merely from a few emotions, thoughts, or incidents.

The safe Jain answer is:

• Your regret, compassion, desire for Moksha, faith in Panch Parmeshthi, wish for diksha, and pain on seeing suffering are spiritually good signs.
• Your anger, ego, hatred, revengeful thoughts, and intrusive bad thoughts show that strong passions are still present.
• Both can exist in a worldly soul: good bhav and bad bhav can arise at different times.
• Do not label yourself Abhavya. Do not become trapped in fear.
• Focus on purification: samayik, pratikraman, forgiveness, humility, guru guidance, and steady conduct.

Most importantly: unwanted, painful, intrusive thoughts are not the same as deliberate violence or actual intention. If such thoughts come against your wish and you immediately feel pain, repentance, and rejection of them, then spiritually your response should be one of calm awareness, pratikraman, and letting go, not panic.

Explanation

Your message contains several themes. I will explain each carefully from Jain understanding.

1. Pain after not giving water to the injured child

When you saw or later understood that a poor lady had an injured child and you could not give water, you felt deep regret. This shows karuna, compassion.

In Jain Dharma, compassion toward suffering beings is very important. However, punishing yourself harshly out of emotional guilt is not always spiritually balanced.

You thought: “I will not drink water tomorrow as punishment.”

This feeling came from regret, but Jain Dharma teaches that repentance should become inner purification, not self-hatred.

A better Jain response would be:

• “I could not help then; may I become more alert next time.”
• “Micchami Dukkadam for my negligence.”
• “I will cultivate daya and awareness.”
• “When possible, I will help living beings with humility.”

Repentance should make the soul lighter and more careful, not trapped in lifelong guilt.

2. Fear after hearing about Bhavya and Abhavya Jeev

You became very sad after hearing that some souls may be Abhavya and may never attain Moksha. Then you started wondering: “Am I Abhavya?”

This fear is understandable, but you should not keep thinking this way.

In Jain philosophy, Bhavya Jeev means a soul capable of attaining Moksha. Abhavya Jeev means a soul that does not attain Moksha. But an ordinary person cannot simply look at himself and declare, “I am Abhavya.”

Your very concern about Moksha, your faith in Panch Parmeshthi, your sorrow for suffering beings, your desire for diksha, and your repeated repentance are not things to be dismissed. They show that your inner direction is toward Dharma.

So the practical Jain approach is:

• Do not worry, “Am I Abhavya?”
• Think instead, “Let me live like a Bhavya soul.”
• Develop samyak shraddha, samyak jnan, and samyak charitra step by step.

Fear of being Abhavya can itself disturb your sadhana. Jain Dharma does not teach us to obsess over labels. It teaches us to purify the present bhav.

3. Desire to become a Tirthankar

You had a powerful thought: “I want to become a Tirthankar and help souls attain Moksha.”

This is a very elevated thought if it is filled with universal compassion, humility, and Dharma-bhav.

But becoming a Tirthankar is not merely by emotional desire. In Jain tradition, Tirthankar-nam-karma is connected with extraordinary purity, universal welfare, deep spiritual qualities, and very special causes. It is not something to be casually claimed.

A pure wish such as:

• “May I help souls move toward Dharma,”
• “May I reduce the suffering of beings,”
• “May I become worthy of Moksha,”

is spiritually beneficial.

But be careful of the ego-form:

• “I must become the savior of everyone,”
• “Only after helping everyone I will go to Moksha,”
• “This is definitely the purpose of my soul.”

In Jain Dharma, even Tirthankars show the path; they do not force or personally carry souls to Moksha. Each soul must remove its own karma through right faith, right knowledge, and right conduct.

So your compassionate feeling is good, but refine it like this:

“May I purify my own soul and, with humility, become an instrument for Dharma wherever possible.”

4. Can a Samyagdrishti have anger, ego, hatred, or revengeful thoughts?

This is one of your main questions.

In Jain Dharma, Samyagdrishti means one who has right faith: true inner conviction in the nature of reality, soul, karma, Tirthankar’s path, and liberation.

But Samyagdrishti does not automatically mean all anger, ego, deceit, greed, attachment, and aversion are destroyed. Passions may still arise depending on the spiritual stage.

However, intense hatred, long revenge, cruelty, and strong ego are spiritually harmful and are signs that the soul is still struggling with kashay.

So the answer is balanced:

• Yes, a spiritually inclined person may still experience anger, ego, and bad thoughts.
• No, these should not be justified or ignored.
• The important thing is whether one supports them, enjoys them, repeats them, or repents and reduces them.

You described many cases where after anger you later felt regret, cried, apologized, or mentally asked forgiveness. That repentance is important.

But the next step is not only guilt. The next step is kashay-kshaya direction: gradually reducing the force, duration, and frequency of anger.

5. The childhood friend incident

You damaged your friend’s board game because you lost. Then you lied. Then when he told the truth, you felt betrayed and carried anger for many years.

From Jain ethics, the initial mistake was yours:

• Damage to another’s object: himsa/asteya-related wrong conduct in a broad ethical sense.
• Lying: asatya.
• Anger after being exposed: krodh and maan.
• Long resentment: vair bhav.

But your recent realization is valuable. You saw clearly:

“I was wrong. I was blinded by ego and anger. He tried to reconcile but I did not forgive.”

That is a major inner correction.

Now, what should you do?

• Do sincere pratikraman for the incident.
• Mentally ask forgiveness from him.
• If appropriate and peaceful, you may personally apologize without reopening conflict.
• Do not demand that he respond in a certain way.
• Let go of the old story.

In Jain Dharma, the highest victory is not defeating another person. It is defeating one’s own krodh and maan.

6. Anger toward teacher and elder family member

You described being scolded harshly by a teacher and still feeling, “I should have replied back.” You also described replying strongly to an elder, making another relative cry, and then feeling regret.

This shows an inner conflict:

• One part of you wants self-control and forgiveness.
• Another part wants to defend ego and answer back.

This is common in spiritual struggle. Jain Dharma does not ask you to become weak, but it does ask you to reduce anger and ego.

There is a difference between:

• Firm, respectful response: “Please speak to me calmly. I am ready to listen.”
• Angry retaliation: speaking harshly to hurt the other person.

The first may be necessary in worldly life. The second binds harmful karma.

You should practice:

• Pause before replying.
• Reduce voice intensity.
• Use fewer words.
• Leave the place if anger is rising.
• Do pratikraman afterward if harshness happens.

Do not suppress anger only from outside while burning inside. Observe it, accept that it has arisen, and dissolve it with understanding:

“This anger is my own kashay. If I protect it, I harm my soul.”

7. Thoughts of killing someone brutally and nikachit karma

You asked whether thinking of killing someone brutally can bind nikachit karma.

Jain Dharma teaches that karma bondage depends on bhav: intention, passion, intensity, duration, and involvement. Violent thoughts with intense anger are definitely spiritually harmful and can bind bad karma.

But whether a specific karma is nikachit cannot be declared by us in a specific personal case. Nikachit karma is a very serious and subtle matter. Ordinary people should not claim, “This exact thought bound nikachit karma.”

So the correct answer is:

• Violent revengeful thoughts are harmful and should be repented.
• But do not conclude with certainty that you have bound nikachit karma.
• Sincere repentance, forgiveness, and change of conduct are the right path.

You said you mentally apologized and sought forgiveness. That is good. Now do not keep repeating the memory with fear. Repetition can keep the inner wound alive.

Instead, practice:

“Khamemi savva jive, savve jiva khamantu me.”

Meaning: “I forgive all living beings; may all living beings forgive me.”

8. Bad thoughts about Tirthankar Bhagwan, Kevali, Sadhu, and living beings

This is very important.

You said that during religious thoughts, Guru Vandana, or meditation on Tirthankar Bhagwan, you suddenly get extremely bad thoughts such as harming Bhagwan, harming sadhus, harming kevalis, harming all beings. You do not want these thoughts. You feel shocked, pained, and immediately say “vosirami,” “Micchami Dukkadam,” and repent.

From a Jain spiritual perspective, there is a major difference between:

• Deliberate sinful intention: “I want to do this, I approve of this, I enjoy this.”
• Unwanted intrusive thought: “This thought came against my will; I am horrified and reject it.”

What you describe sounds like thoughts that are unwanted and painful to you. Your inner attitude is not approval but rejection.

Therefore, do not panic every time such a thought appears. Panic can make the thought stronger. Instead:

• Recognize: “This is an unwanted thought.”
• Do not argue with it.
• Do not analyze it for hours.
• Do not keep asking, “Did I commit huge sin?”
• Calmly return to Navkar Mantra or breath awareness.
• Do short pratikraman if needed, then let go.

Excessive fear itself can become a cycle. The mind brings the very thought you fear most. Then you panic, and because you panic, the mind remembers it again. Spiritually, the solution is samatva, not terror.

A simple method:

• When such thought arises, say inwardly: “This is not my chosen bhav.”
• Bow mentally to Arihant Bhagwan.
• Chant Navkar Mantra once with steadiness.
• Return to the present activity.

Do not perform long self-punishment every time. Repentance should be sincere but balanced.

9. Will such thoughts infinitely extend your sansar?

You are extremely scared that these thoughts will infinitely extend your sansar.

In Jain Dharma, intense wrong faith, deep attachment, violent passions, and sinful conduct bind karma. But fearfully believing “Now I am doomed forever” is not the right understanding.

A soul wandering in sansar has had countless impure thoughts and karmic bonds. The path is not hopeless. Jain Dharma exists precisely because purification is possible.

What matters now is:

• Do you approve of violence? No.
• Do you worship Panch Parmeshthi? Yes.
• Do you repent wrong thoughts? Yes.
• Do you wish to reduce kashay? Yes.
• Do you desire Moksha? Yes.

So instead of thinking, “My sansar is infinitely extended,” think:

“This is a warning to become more steady, humble, forgiving, and careful.”

Fear should become awareness, not despair.

10. The death poster and sudden vairagya

You saw a death poster of a shopkeeper/uncle and suddenly felt deeply shaken. You thought:

• Life is birth, study, earning money, then death.
• Money does not go with us.
• Sansar has no lasting refuge.
• I have wandered through countless births.
• I want Moksha soon.
• I want to help all souls walk on Tirthankar Bhagwan’s path.

This is a form of nirved or vairagya-bhav: disenchantment with worldly life.

You ask: Why did this poster trigger me when other deaths did not?

Sometimes the soul hears many teachings, sees many deaths, and still remains ordinary. Then suddenly one event becomes a mirror. It may not be the poster alone. It may be:

• Accumulated religious impressions.
• Past contemplation of Kalchakra.
• Past bhav of diksha.
• Compassion for suffering beings.
• Inner maturity at that moment.
• The shock of impermanence becoming personal and real.

In Jain Dharma, such moments can awaken vairagya. But we should test whether it is stable or temporary.

11. Is this true vairagya?

It may be a genuine beginning of vairagya, but whether it is mature and stable vairagya must be tested over time.

Temporary vairagya can arise after:

• seeing death,
• hearing pravachan,
• experiencing insult,
• seeing disease,
• feeling guilt,
• emotional shock.

True and mature vairagya gradually becomes steady. Its signs include:

• Reduced attraction to pleasures.
• Reduced anger and ego.
• Increased forgiveness.
• Regular Dharma practice without show.
• Respect for Guru and scriptures.
• Desire for self-purification, not just emotional sadness.
• Ability to bear discomfort.
• Less obsession with praise, insult, victory, and defeat.
• Increasing calmness toward family attachment.

You felt tears at the thought of leaving your mother. This shows strong attachment is still present. That does not make your vairagya false. It means it is still mixed with attachment and needs maturity.

Vairagya does not mean hatred toward family. It means understanding that even the dearest relations are worldly associations, while the soul’s final refuge is Dharma and Moksha.

12. How to know if you truly want diksha?

Do not decide diksha only in an emotional peak.

In Jain Dharma, diksha is extremely sacred and serious. It requires guidance from a true Guru, long testing, discipline, family clarity, inner steadiness, and capacity to follow mahavrats.

Ask yourself over time:

• Do I want diksha even when I am calm, not only when sad?
• Do I still want it when life is comfortable?
• Am I reducing anger, ego, and attachment?
• Can I follow daily discipline consistently?
• Can I bear hunger, thirst, heat, cold, insult, and discomfort?
• Do I love restraint more than freedom of senses?
• Do I seek Moksha, or am I trying to escape emotional pain?
• Can I obey Guru’s discipline humbly?
• Am I willing to leave possessions, status, entertainment, and personal choices?

If the wish remains steady for years, deepens with humility, and is confirmed by Guru’s guidance, then it may be considered more seriously.

Until then, live as a strong shravak:

• Do samayik.
• Do pratikraman.
• Observe anuvrats.
• Practice forgiveness.
• Reduce food attachment.
• Reduce anger.
• Study Jain tattva.
• Serve sadhus and sadhvis respectfully.
• Seek guidance from a learned Jain Guru.

13. Did your old diksha-bhav sprout again?

It is possible that earlier impressions became active again. In Jain understanding, bhav and sanskar can reappear. A thought of diksha from years ago may become stronger later when triggered by death, suffering, or religious contemplation.

But again, do not make a final conclusion based only on emotional experience. Observe whether it becomes:

• more peaceful,
• more disciplined,
• more humble,
• more detached,
• more consistent.

If yes, it is becoming spiritually mature.

14. Your wish to help every soul attain Moksha

This compassion is beautiful. But Jain Dharma teaches that every soul must purify itself. No one can give Moksha to another soul. Even Tirthankar Bhagwan establishes the Tirth and teaches the path, but each soul must walk.

So instead of thinking:

“I will make everyone attain Moksha.”

Think:

“May I never obstruct any soul. May I inspire Dharma where possible. May I first purify myself.”

This is more aligned with Jain humility.

15. What is all this spiritually?

What you are experiencing seems to be a mixture of:

• Karuna — compassion for suffering beings.
• Nirved — sadness toward the endlessness of sansar.
• Moksha-abhilasha — desire for liberation.
• Dharma-ruchi — interest in Jain Dharma.
• Kashay struggle — anger, ego, hatred, revenge.
• Attachment — especially toward mother and self-image.
• Fear of sin — strong anxiety about bad thoughts.
• Repentance — repeated regret after wrong bhav.

This is not unusual for a soul beginning to look deeply within. When Dharma becomes serious, hidden kashay also becomes visible. Earlier the anger was simply acted out. Now you are noticing it, regretting it, and wanting to change. That itself is a step.

16. What should you do now?

Here is a practical Jain path for you.

A. Daily inner practice

• Chant Navkar Mantra calmly every day.
• Do short samayik if possible.
• At night, review the day:
  • Where did I get angry?
  • Where did I hurt someone?
  • Where did I lie or act from ego?
  • Where did I show compassion?
• Do pratikraman with sincerity, not panic.

B. Forgiveness practice

Daily reflect:

“I forgive all living beings. May all living beings forgive me. I have friendship toward all, enmity toward none.”

Especially include:

• your childhood friend,
• your teacher,
• the elder family member,
• anyone you feel anger toward.

C. Anger reduction

When anger rises:

• Do not speak immediately.
• Lower the body’s intensity.
• Move away if possible.
• Say fewer words.
• Later, speak calmly if needed.

Remember: silence with inner fire is not complete forgiveness, but it is still better than violent speech. Gradually transform inner fire into understanding.

D. Handling intrusive bad thoughts

When bad religious thoughts arise:

• Do not panic.
• Do not debate the thought.
• Do not repeat long guilt cycles.
• Say once: “This is not my bhav. Micchami Dukkadam.”
• Return to Navkar Mantra.

If such thoughts cause severe distress for hours and disturb daily life, it is also wise to speak with a trusted elder, Guru, or a qualified mental health professional while continuing Jain practice. Seeking help is not against Dharma.

E. Testing diksha-bhav

Do not rush. Strengthen yourself.

For some months or years, observe:

• Can I live with simplicity?
• Can I reduce comfort-seeking?
• Can I control anger?
• Can I do regular sadhana?
• Can I study under Guru guidance?
• Does my vairagya remain even during happiness?

If yes, then speak to a learned Jain Guru about your diksha-bhav.

Spiritual Understanding

In Jain Dharma, the soul has wandered in sansar since beginningless time because of mithyatva, avirati, pramad, kashay, and yoga. But the same soul has the capacity to awaken.

Your sorrow for suffering beings, fear of harming Dharma, attraction to Tirthankar Bhagwan, and desire for Moksha are not small things. But they must be made steady through right understanding.

Do not convert Dharma into fear. Dharma should bring:

• clarity,
• humility,
• forgiveness,
• self-restraint,
• compassion,
• detachment,
• inner steadiness.

The true enemy is not your friend, teacher, elder, or intrusive thought. The true enemies are:

• krodh — anger,
• maan — ego,
• maya — deceit,
• lobh — greed,
• raag — attachment,
• dwesh — hatred.

If you turn your energy toward conquering these, your life becomes meaningful.

Takeaway

Do not conclude that you are Abhavya. Do not conclude that you have ruined your soul. Do not panic about unwanted thoughts.

You have compassion, repentance, Dharma interest, and Moksha desire. Now make them steady through humility, forgiveness, pratikraman, samayik, and guidance from a learned Jain Guru.

Your path should be:

Less fear, more awareness.

Less guilt, more pratikraman.

Less ego, more forgiveness.

Less emotional rush, more steady vairagya.

Less obsession with “what am I,” more effort toward “how can I purify my soul now.”