Answer

Yes. Based on what you have honestly described, it does not sound like Sham is completely absent in you. Rather, it sounds like you are struggling with krodh and mān kashāya, but you also have genuine awareness, regret, restraint, and a desire to purify yourself.

In Jain understanding, this is very important.

If a person has anger, hurt, replaying thoughts, ego, or resentment, that alone does not prove absence of Samyaktva or absence of Sham. The deeper question is:

• Do I enjoy these passions?
• Do I justify them fully?
• Do I want revenge as my chosen path?
• Or do I recognize them as harmful and try to reduce them?

From your description, you repeatedly say:

• You feel hurt, but you do not want to bind karma.
• You sometimes get harmful thoughts, but then repent.
• You try to forgive.
• You mentally apologize.
• You do Pratikraman.
• You are becoming more watchful of your faults.
• You are trying to reduce anger, ego, and revenge.

These are signs that Sham is developing, even though it is not yet stable or complete.

So the answer is:

Your Sham appears to be present in a mixed and developing form, not absent. Your struggle is real, but your direction is also spiritually meaningful.

Explanation

In Jain Dharma, Sham means the calming of inner passions. But in the beginning, Sham does not mean that anger, hurt, fear, ego, or resentment will never arise.

For a spiritually progressing person, passions may still arise, but certain changes begin to happen:

• The person becomes aware of them.
• The person does not fully approve of them.
• The person feels regret.
• The person tries to stop harmful speech and action.
• The person turns toward forgiveness and Pratikraman.
• The person slowly reduces the duration and intensity of passions.

This is exactly the kind of inner battle you are describing.

You are not saying, “My anger is right and I will hurt that person.” Instead, you are saying, “These thoughts are coming, but I know they harm my soul; I want to forgive; I seek forgiveness; I do not want to bind karma.”

That difference is very significant.

A person without inner Sham often protects anger, feeds anger, enjoys revenge, and justifies cruelty. A person in whom Sham is awakening feels pain when anger arises and wants to become free from it.

Your Incident With the Colleague

What happened at your job hurt you deeply. You were already anxious, you asked for help, and your colleague shouted at you in front of others. Naturally, this created shock, sadness, humiliation, and fear.

From a Jain perspective, there are two levels here:

• Outer event: Someone spoke harshly to you.
• Inner response: Hurt, replaying, resentment, and desire to respond arose within you.

The outer event may have been unpleasant. Her shouting may not have been proper. But Jain Dharma asks us to examine our own inner response because that is where bondage or purification happens.

You stayed quiet outwardly. That is good because you avoided immediate harsh speech and further violence. But you also noticed that inside, the hurt kept burning. This shows that your work is not only about controlling speech, but also about cooling the inner wound.

Your example of fire is understandable. If someone burns us, we naturally avoid putting our hand there again. Similarly, it is not wrong to maintain healthy distance from someone who repeatedly hurts or humiliates us.

But Jain Dharma would make an important distinction:

• Wise distance is not wrong.
• Hatred-filled avoidance becomes spiritually harmful.

You may avoid unnecessary closeness with someone who harms your peace. But internally, the effort should be: “May I not keep hatred. May I not wish harm. May I protect myself without poisoning my soul.”

That is real Sham.

About Involuntary Replaying of Thoughts

You said the thoughts replay involuntarily, even though you want to forget and forgive. This is an important point.

In Jain spiritual practice, not every arising thought should be treated the same way. Sometimes a thought arises because of old impressions, habit, fear, ego, or past emotional injury. The first arising may feel involuntary. But after it arises, we have a choice:

• Do we feed it?
• Do we decorate it?
• Do we create revenge fantasies?
• Or do we recognize it and gently turn away?

If a harmful thought arises and you immediately become aware — “This is not good; this will bind karma; I should seek forgiveness” — then you are already moving toward purification.

But if after the thought arises, the mind willingly continues the story again and again — “I should have insulted her; I should have harmed her; she deserves suffering” — then the passion becomes stronger.

So do not become hopeless because the thought arises. Instead, work on not giving it further food.

A simple inner practice can be:

“This thought has arisen due to my old kashāya. I do not accept it as my true nature. I ask forgiveness. I return to the soul.”

Repeat this calmly. Not with panic. Not with self-hatred. Calmly.

About Wishing Harm

You honestly admitted that in that incident, a faint thought came where you wished harm on her and her child. This is a serious type of thought, but your response to it is also very important.

You did not celebrate that thought. You were disturbed by it. You asked yourself why such a thought came. You sought forgiveness again and again. You remembered Samvatsari and Pratikraman.

This shows moral and spiritual sensitivity.

In Jain Dharma, harmful intention is something to be purified, not hidden. Your honesty is good. But you must be careful not to turn repentance into self-torture.

True repentance has three parts:

• Alochana: honest recognition of the fault.
• Pratikraman: turning back from the fault.
• Pratyakhyan: resolve to reduce or avoid repeating it.

Once you have sincerely repented, you should not keep reopening the wound with guilt again and again. Otherwise the mind remains attached to the same incident in another form.

Repent sincerely, ask forgiveness, resolve not to nourish such thoughts, and then return to equanimity.

Silence: Sham or Suppression?

You mentioned that when insulted, you stay quiet and remind yourself not to get angry because anger binds karma. This can be spiritually good, but it depends on what is happening inside.

There are three possible kinds of silence:

• Fearful silence: “I am afraid to speak, but inside I am burning.”
• Punishing silence: “I will not speak to you so that you suffer.”
• Dharmic silence: “If I speak now, I may create more violence; let me first calm myself.”

Your silence seems mixed. Sometimes it comes from Dharma, sometimes from hurt, sometimes from anxiety, and sometimes from avoidance. This is normal in the developing stage.

The goal is not to force yourself to speak aggressively. The goal is to develop calm strength.

Jain Dharma does not teach that you must allow people to mistreat you endlessly. It teaches non-violence, restraint, forgiveness, and awareness. You can protect yourself respectfully.

For example, instead of shouting back, a calm response could be:

• “I understand you are busy. Please do not shout at me.”
• “I will try to handle it, but I felt hurt by the tone.”
• “Let us discuss this later when both of us are calm.”

Such speech is not revenge. It is careful, restrained communication.

Are You Failing Because You Left the Job?

Not necessarily.

Leaving a job because of anxiety, humiliation, or mental distress may be a practical decision. Spiritually, the key question is not only whether you left, but with what inner state you left.

If you left with intense hatred and revenge, then the kashāya remains strong.

If you left because you felt unable to function there, but you are trying to forgive and learn, then it becomes part of your spiritual growth.

However, if this pattern repeats often — someone scolds you, you feel deeply wounded, you withdraw, and then the incident keeps replaying — then the inner wound needs attention through spiritual practice, self-awareness, and possibly practical emotional support from trusted people.

From a Jain viewpoint, the work is:

• to reduce sensitivity to insult,
• to reduce ego-wound,
• to reduce revengeful imagination,
• to increase forgiveness,
• to develop calm courage.

Your Krodh and Mān Kashāya

You rightly identified that you struggle with krodh and mān.

Krodh is anger. Mān is pride or ego. Often, these two are connected. When someone insults us, the pain is not only from their words. It is also because mān feels wounded: “How could they speak to me like this? Why did I not answer? What will others think?”

This does not mean you are bad. It means mān kashāya is asking to be observed.

When the mind says, “I should have shouted back,” ask gently:

• Is this my soul speaking, or my wounded ego?
• If I had shouted back, would I really be peaceful now?
• Would that have reduced karma or increased it?
• Did I remain silent from weakness, or from restraint?
• How can I learn to respond firmly without hatred?

The aim is not to become weak. The aim is to become free from kashāya.

Signs That Your Sham Is Genuine

From your answers, these signs are positive:

• You notice your faults faster than before.
• You recover from anger sooner than earlier.
• You feel less need to retaliate.
• You have become softer in speech.
• You are careful about hurting others.
• You feel sincere regret after harmful thoughts.
• You turn toward Pratikraman, reflection, and forgiveness.
• You do not misuse power over weaker people.
• You can accept correction.
• You can stop speaking when speech will create more violence.

These are not small things. They show spiritual direction.

The presence of struggle does not erase progress.

Areas Where You Need More Work

At the same time, there are some areas to work on carefully:

• Replaying insults again and again.
• Imagining what you should have said aggressively.
• Secret resentment.
• Occasional harmful wishes toward others.
• Dependence on praise.
• Ego lasting after praise.
• Hurt becoming avoidance and inner withdrawal.

These show that Sham is not yet steady. But they do not prove that Sham is false. They show that Sham is in the process of becoming deeper.

How to Practice Sham in Your Situation

Here are some Jain-based practical steps.

1. Separate Hurt From Hatred

Tell yourself:

“I am hurt. But I do not want hatred.”

Hurt may arise naturally. Hatred is what we must not nourish.

You can acknowledge pain without creating revenge.

2. Do Not Fight Thoughts With Panic

When the replay starts, do not panic: “Why am I thinking this? I am terrible.”

Instead say:

“This is an old kashāya rising. I see it. I will not feed it.”

Then gently shift to mantra, breath, or spiritual reflection.

3. Practice Forgiveness Gradually

Forgiveness does not always happen in one moment. Sometimes it has stages:

• First stage: “I do not want to harm them.”
• Second stage: “I want to stop replaying this.”
• Third stage: “I accept this as my karma.”
• Fourth stage: “May my hatred reduce.”
• Fifth stage: “I forgive and release.”

Do not force the fifth stage immediately. Move sincerely.

4. Use Pratikraman Specifically

Instead of general regret, do focused Pratikraman:

• “I had anger toward this person.”
• “I had harmful thoughts.”
• “I wished suffering.”
• “I nourished resentment.”
• “I ask forgiveness.”
• “I resolve to reduce such thoughts.”

This makes repentance clear and purifying.

5. Practice Maitri Bhavna

Maitri Bhavna is very helpful for this kind of inner burning.

Reflect:

“May all living beings be my friends. May I have enmity toward none.”

If you cannot sincerely feel friendship toward the person yet, begin with:

“At least may I not wish harm to them.”

That itself is progress.

6. Reduce the Story

The mind repeats the incident because it wants to complete the story: “I should have replied. I should have won. I should have shown her.”

But spiritually, the story is simple:

• Someone spoke harshly.
• I felt hurt.
• Krodh and mān arose.
• I must purify my response.

Do not keep adding imaginary dialogues. Those dialogues strengthen bondage.

7. Learn Calm Assertiveness

Sometimes spiritual people confuse forgiveness with helplessness. That is not necessary.

You can be calm and still set a boundary.

For example:

• “Please explain once more, but calmly.”
• “I am willing to learn, but I felt uncomfortable being shouted at.”
• “If you are busy, I will ask someone else.”

This protects dignity without creating aggression.

8. Watch Mān After Praise

You said praise inflates you for a few seconds, then you calm down. That is a good sign.

When praised, reflect:

“This ability is temporary. The body, mind, speech, circumstances, and karmas are all changing. The pure soul is beyond praise and insult.”

Do not hate praise. Just do not drink it like nectar.

9. Do Not Judge Yourself by Perfection

You are clearly sensitive and introspective. Such people sometimes become harsh toward themselves.

Remember:

• Seeing a fault is progress.
• Regretting a fault is progress.
• Stopping harmful action is progress.
• Reducing duration is progress.
• Returning to Dharma after disturbance is progress.

Do not say, “I still have anger, so I have no Sham.”

Say, “Anger is still present, but I am no longer fully its servant.”

Spiritual Understanding

In Jain Dharma, the real battle is not outside. It is inside.

The colleague, the insult, the praise, the criticism, the delay, the loss — these are occasions. They expose the inner kashāyas that were already present. Therefore, even painful incidents can become spiritual mirrors.

When someone insults us, we usually think, “That person disturbed me.” But deeper reflection says, “That person became the nimitta; my own kashāya became visible.”

This does not mean the other person behaved rightly. It means my liberation depends on purifying my own response.

Sham grows when the soul begins to withdraw support from anger, pride, deceit, greed, hatred, jealousy, and revenge.

You are not yet free from these passions. But you are also not blindly supporting them. That is a meaningful sign.

A Very Important Clarification

Do not mistake emotional sensitivity for lack of spirituality.

Some people are naturally sensitive. They cry easily, feel deeply, and overthink. This does not automatically mean they lack Dharma. The spiritual question is: what direction does that sensitivity take?

If sensitivity becomes resentment, revenge, and self-pity, it binds.

If sensitivity becomes humility, compassion, repentance, and carefulness, it purifies.

Your sensitivity needs to be guided by Dharma, not crushed.

Your Case in Simple Words

From what you described:

• You do have anger.
• You do have ego-wound.
• You do have replaying and resentment.
• You sometimes suppress rather than fully dissolve.
• You sometimes wish you had retaliated.

But also:

• You recognize these as wrong.
• You feel regret.
• You seek forgiveness.
• You avoid actual harm.
• You think of karma.
• You try to reduce passions.
• Your duration has shortened.
• You are becoming more watchful.

Therefore:

This is not complete Sham, but it is not false either. It is developing Sham mixed with remaining kashāya.

Takeaway

Do not conclude, “I have no Samyaktva because I still feel anger.”

Also do not conclude, “I am peaceful because I stayed silent.”

The balanced Jain understanding is:

“I have some genuine inner awakening, but my krodh and mān still need deep purification.”

Your next step is not self-condemnation. Your next step is steady practice:

• less replaying,
• less revenge imagination,
• more Pratikraman,
• more Maitri Bhavna,
• more calm assertiveness,
• more awareness of krodh and mān,
• more returning to the pure soul.

In simple words:

Real Sham does not mean you never burn. It means you stop adding fuel, you recognize the fire, and you sincerely move toward inner coolness.