Answer

From what you have shared, it does not sound like you are without Sham. Rather, it sounds like you are struggling with krodh and mān kaṣāya, but you also have strong awareness, regret, restraint, and desire for purification.

That is important.

A person completely lacking Sham usually does not honestly examine themselves like this. They justify anger, blame others fully, enjoy revenge, and do not feel much repentance. In your case, you are clearly saying:

• “I know anger harms my soul.”
• “I try not to retaliate.”
• “I repent when wrong thoughts arise.”
• “I seek forgiveness.”
• “I want to forgive, but the mind keeps replaying.”

This shows that Dharma-buddhi and inner conscience are active.

So your issue seems less like “absence of Sham” and more like Sham is present but not yet stable.

Explanation

In Jain Dharma, Sham does not mean that no painful thought ever arises. Sham means the passions begin to cool down through right understanding.

You described two things happening together:

• Old saṁskāras: hurt, replaying insults, imagining aggressive replies, resentment, desire to protect yourself.
• Dharma-jāgruti: remembering karma, avoiding retaliation, repenting, asking forgiveness, trying to reduce hatred.

This mixture is very normal for a sādhak.

Your mind is still reacting to insult, but your deeper understanding is trying to guide it toward forgiveness. That inner struggle itself shows that you are not careless toward pāpa.

About the Incident With Your Colleague

What happened hurt you deeply. Being shouted at publicly, especially when you already struggle with anxiety, can leave a strong impression on the mind.

From a Jain view, two truths can exist together:

• You may have repeatedly asked because of anxiety and uncertainty.
• She also should not have shouted harshly in front of others.

Recognizing that her behavior was hurtful is not wrong. Jain Dharma does not ask you to pretend that hurtful conduct is acceptable.

But Dharma asks: after hurt arises, what do I do with it?

If you keep feeding revenge, it becomes bondage. If you recognize the pain, repent for hatred, and slowly release it, it becomes purification.

You already did the better thing outwardly: you did not shout back, you did not retaliate, and later you asked forgiveness mentally. That is spiritually meaningful.

Important Distinction: Forgiveness vs Repeated Exposure

You gave the example of putting the hand in fire. That is a valid practical point.

In Jain Dharma, forgiveness does not mean you must keep exposing yourself to the same hurtful situation.

You can forgive someone inwardly and still maintain distance.

There is a difference between:

• Revenge: “I want them to suffer.”
• Protection: “This environment is harmful for me, so I will keep distance.”

Keeping distance from someone who repeatedly harms your peace is not necessarily dveṣa. It can be practical caution.

But if the mind repeatedly burns with “I want them to suffer,” then that is where inner work is needed.

About Wishing Harm

You honestly admitted that at one point you had a faint thought wishing harm on her and her child, and then you repented.

In Jain Dharma, such a thought is not good; it belongs to harmful bhāva. But your repentance is very important.

Do not now create a second suffering by endlessly hating yourself for having had that thought.

The right process is:

• Recognize: “This was wrong.”
• Repent: “Micchāmi Dukkaḍaṁ.”
• Resolve: “May I not repeat such harmful thinking.”
• Replace: “May all souls move toward peace.”

Repentance should purify you, not crush you.

Why the Mind Keeps Replaying

You said the replay happens involuntarily. This is important.

Not every repeated thought is deliberate hatred. Sometimes the mind replays pain because it felt humiliated, unsafe, or unheard.

From a spiritual view, you should remain alert: do not intentionally feed resentment.

But from a practical view, also understand that the mind may need time to settle.

When the memory comes, instead of fighting it aggressively, try this:

• “This is an old hurt arising.”
• “I do not want to bind new karma through this.”
• “May I be free from hatred.”
• “May that soul also be free from wrong conduct.”
• “I release this again.”

You may need to do this many times. That does not mean failure. That is practice.

Your Sham: Real or False?

Based on your answers, these are signs of real developing Sham:

• You do not usually retaliate outwardly.
• You reflect on karma.
• You accept correction.
• You feel regret after wrong thoughts.
• You try to reduce anger and pride.
• You treat weaker people respectfully.
• You are careful not to hurt others.
• Your duration of anger has reduced compared to before.

These are not small things.

But there are also areas where Sham needs strengthening:

• Replaying insults repeatedly.
• Inner resentment after humiliation.
• Strong sensitivity to praise and insult.
• Krodh and mān lasting longer in some cases.
• Imagining aggressive replies after the event.

So the honest answer is:

Your Sham is not false, but it is mixed and developing.

It is not yet steady, but it is alive.

Spiritual Understanding

In Jain Dharma, progress is often seen through reduction of kaṣāyas, not immediate perfection.

If earlier anger lasted for many days and now it reduces sooner, that is progress.

If earlier revenge felt satisfying and now it feels spiritually dangerous, that is progress.

If earlier pride felt natural and now you notice it as a fault, that is progress.

If earlier harsh thoughts came and you enjoyed them, but now you repent, that is progress.

The soul has accumulated passions over a long time. They do not disappear merely because we intellectually know Dharma. They weaken through repeated awareness, restraint, repentance, and right reflection.

What You Should Practice

Here are some simple practices suitable for your situation:

• When insult is replayed: say inwardly, “This memory is not my soul. Anger is not my nature.”
• When revenge arises: say, “May I not bind karma through another person’s fault.”
• When pride arises after praise: say, “This is external. The pure soul is beyond praise and blame.”
• Before sleep: do a short review of the day and ask forgiveness for harsh thoughts, words, and actions.
• For the colleague incident: mentally say, “I forgive you as much as I am able today. May my hatred reduce. May I not harm any soul by thought.”

Do not force a fake feeling of forgiveness. Begin with the wish to forgive. That itself is good.

Important Guidance

Because you mentioned anxiety, overthinking, emotional pain, and involuntary replaying, please be gentle with yourself. Along with Jain spiritual practice, if these thoughts become very distressing or interfere with daily life, it is wise to seek proper mental health support. That does not go against Dharma.

Jain Dharma values clarity, balance, and inner purification. Taking help to calm the mind can support your spiritual progress.

Takeaway

You are not spiritually hopeless. You are not without Sham.

Your answers show a sincere sādhak who is struggling with hurt, anger, pride, and overthinking, but who also has repentance, restraint, compassion, and awareness of karma.

In simple words:

Your Sham is present, but it needs strengthening.

Do not judge yourself by the fact that anger arises. Judge yourself by whether you are becoming more aware, less retaliatory, more repentant, and more committed to purification.

From what you shared, that movement is clearly present.