Answer

Yes, in the incident you described, the feeling of being “extremely pleased” that she had to suffer long working hours, and repeatedly telling yourself “she absolutely deserved it,” was not Sham. It was a form of resentment and revengeful satisfaction.

From a Jain perspective, even if outwardly you did not shout, fight, or harm her physically, the inner state of enjoying another person’s difficulty is connected with krodh and dveṣa — anger and aversion.

But this does not mean you are hopeless or that all your dharma is false. The important point is that you are now recognizing it, questioning it, and feeling concern about it. That awareness itself is spiritually valuable.

Explanation

In Jain Dharma, Sham means the cooling down of passions. It does not mean that pain, hurt, or memory never arise. But it means the soul slowly moves away from:

• revenge,
• hatred,
• inner burning,
• pleasure in another’s suffering,
• justifying anger again and again.

In your case, there were two layers:

• Outer conduct: You resigned and did not want to continue working there. That by itself is not necessarily wrong. If a workplace is mentally disturbing, one may leave.
• Inner emotion: Feeling happy that she had to work 12 hours and thinking she deserved suffering — this is spiritually harmful.

The karmic issue is mainly in the inner passion.

In Jain understanding, when we think, “Let the other person suffer; they deserve it,” the other person’s karma is one matter, but our own soul becomes affected by our present passion. Their difficulty does not purify us. Our forgiveness, restraint, and repentance purify us.

Was Your Refusal Wrong?

It depends on your inner motive.

If you refused because:

• Thursday was genuinely your last working day,
• you were no longer obligated,
• you were anxious or unable to handle the work,
• you felt the environment was unhealthy,

then the refusal itself may be understandable.

But if the refusal was mainly driven by:

• “Now let her suffer,”
• “She deserves this,”
• “I am happy she will be troubled,”

then spiritually, the motive was mixed with kaṣāya.

Jain Dharma pays great attention not only to the action, but also to the bhāva behind the action.

About Your Samyaktva and Sham

You should not conclude, “I have no Sham at all.” Rather, you should see clearly:

• There is some Sham because you are aware that anger harms your soul.
• There is some Sham because you did not openly retaliate aggressively.
• There is some Sham because you are examining your inner fault.
• There is some Sham because you feel repentance.

But at the same time:

• revengeful happiness shows that anger and resentment are still strong,
• the wound is not fully dissolved,
• the forgiveness is not yet complete,
• the mind is still replaying the insult.

So your state is not “perfect Sham,” but it may be called a struggling and developing Sham.

That is a very real stage for many spiritual seekers.

Spiritual Understanding

In Jain Dharma, one very important reflection is:

“The other person’s behavior is the rise of their karma and my karma. But my reaction is my responsibility.”

She may have spoken harshly. That was not good. But if you now keep burning inside, wishing suffering, or enjoying her difficulty, then you are creating fresh bondage for yourself.

The Jain path does not ask you to pretend that the insult did not hurt. It asks you to slowly transform the hurt into awareness:

• “I was hurt.”
• “Anger arose in me.”
• “I enjoyed her suffering.”
• “This was not right for my soul.”
• “I seek forgiveness for this bhāva.”
• “May I become free from revenge.”

This is the direction of inner purification.

What You Can Do Now

You do not necessarily need to contact her, especially if it may disturb you or create more conflict. But internally, you can do sincere repentance.

You may reflect like this:

“I was hurt by her words. But later I also developed anger, resentment, and happiness in her difficulty. That was my fault. I do not want to nourish revenge. I ask forgiveness from all living beings whom I have hurt by thought, word, or action. May my anger reduce. May my soul move toward forgiveness and equanimity.”

This kind of inner Pratikraman is very important.

Also, when the memory comes again, do not fight the thought violently. Simply say:

“This is old anger arising. I do not want to feed it. This is not my true nature. My true nature is forgiveness, awareness, and peace.”

Repeat this patiently. The mind may not become quiet immediately, but the duration and intensity will reduce over time.

Takeaway

In this incident, your pleasure in her suffering was not Sham; it was resentment. But your later regret, self-examination, and desire to purify yourself are signs that Sham is not absent.

Do not label yourself as spiritually failed. See it honestly:

• The hurt was real.
• The resentment was also real.
• The repentance is also real.
• The effort to reduce kaṣāya is also real.

In simple words:

You made an inner mistake by enjoying her suffering, but recognizing it and repenting is exactly the path back toward Sham.