Answer

Yes, I will answer both questions clearly.

Based on what you described, two things are visible at the same time:

• You do have signs of pāpa-bhīrutā — fear/caution toward pāpa.
• You also have some signs of Sham developing, but it is not yet steady, especially in situations involving insult, humiliation, anger, pride, and revenge.

Regarding the incident with your colleague: your happiness that she had to suffer 12-hour shifts, and the feeling “she absolutely deserved it,” was not spiritually pure. From a Jain perspective, that was a form of dveṣa, inner revenge, and enjoyment of another person’s hardship. It would fall under an impure mental state.

But your later reflection, regret, questioning of yourself, and desire to understand it through Dharma are also important. That shows your conscience is not dead. It shows that Dharma is still working inside you.

So the honest answer is:

• You are not free from krodha and māna.
• Your Sham is not perfect or fully mature.
• But it is not absent either.
• Your pāpa-bhīrutā appears present, though mixed with fear of punishment, anxiety, and emotional overthinking.

Do not conclude, “I have no Dharma.” But also do not justify the revengeful pleasure as righteous.

Both humility and hope are needed.

1. About Sham in Your Case

Sham means inner calming of passions — especially anger, ego, revenge, jealousy, and agitation.

In your case, Sham is visible in these ways:

• You often stop yourself from shouting back.
• You remember karma and bondage.
• You feel regret after wrong thoughts.
• You try to forgive, even when the mind resists.
• You are able to accept correction.
• You do not usually misuse power over weaker people.
• You are becoming more aware of your inner faults.

These are good signs.

But Sham is weak or disturbed in these areas:

• You replay insults repeatedly.
• You sometimes feel pleasure when the other person suffers.
• You had harmful thoughts toward her and even toward her child.
• You felt justified and happy that she had to work long hours.
• You struggle with inner revenge even when outwardly silent.
• You yourself said krodha and māna are major problems.

So the conclusion is:

Your Sham is developing, but it is not stable in emotionally painful situations.

This does not mean you have no spiritual progress. It means the main area of work for you is not external religious activity first, but cooling the inner fire of hurt, pride, and revenge.

2. Was Your Refusal Wrong?

This needs to be seen carefully.

Your last working day was Thursday. If your resignation was accepted and you were no longer obligated to work Friday and Sunday, then from a worldly/job-duty perspective, you may not have been formally required to help.

But Jain Dharma examines not only outer duty; it also examines inner bhāva.

The outer action was:

• You refused to help after your last working day.

That alone may not necessarily be pāpa if you were no longer responsible.

But the inner feeling was:

• “Good, now she will suffer.”
• “She deserves it.”
• “I am pleased she has to work 12 hours.”

That inner feeling is spiritually harmful.

So the issue is not simply that you refused. The deeper issue is that your refusal was mixed with revengeful satisfaction.

In Jain Dharma, karma bondage depends greatly on intention, passions, and inner state. Even if an external action is legally or practically acceptable, the inner anger and revenge can still bind karma.

A better inner approach would have been:

• “I am no longer working there, so I may not be able to help.”
• “But I should not feel happy about her suffering.”
• “May my anger reduce.”
• “May she also become peaceful.”
• “I leave this matter without revenge.”

That would be closer to Sham.

3. Does This Mean You Lack Samyaktva?

We should be careful here.

It is not right to declare from one incident that you definitely have or do not have Samyaktva. Jain tradition treats Samyaktva as a deep spiritual condition connected with right faith, inner transformation, and reduction of mithyātva and intense passions.

What can be said safely is this:

• This incident shows that strong krodha, māna, and dveṣa are still active.
• It shows your Sham is incomplete.
• It shows your mind still takes satisfaction in revenge at times.
• But your regret, repentance, and desire to purify yourself are positive signs.

So instead of asking, “Do I have Samyaktva or not?” it may be more useful to ask:

• Is my anger reducing?
• Is my revenge reducing?
• Is my pride softening?
• Am I becoming more forgiving?
• Do I see my own faults instead of only others’ faults?

That direction is spiritually safer.

4. About Pāpa-bhīrutā in Your Case

Yes, you do show signs of pāpa-bhīrutā.

Why?

Because:

• You become disturbed after harmful thoughts.
• You repent after wishing harm.
• You worry about karmic bondage.
• You seek forgiveness.
• You try to avoid harsh speech.
• You care about hurting others.
• You feel compassion toward living beings.
• You do not casually justify violence, cheating, or cruelty.

These are signs that your conscience is awake.

However, your pāpa-bhīrutā is mixed with two things:

• Fear of punishment
• Anxiety and overthinking

In the beginning, fear of bad karma or suffering may restrain a person. That is still better than shamelessly doing pāpa. But gradually, Jain Dharma asks us to rise higher.

The higher feeling is not merely:

“I am afraid I will suffer for this.”

The higher feeling is:

“This anger, hatred, and revenge are impurities of my own soul. I do not want to live in them.”

So your pāpa-bhīrutā is present, but it should mature from fear into awareness, compassion, and self-purification.

5. The Most Important Point About That Girl

You were hurt by her shouting. That hurt is understandable.

But Jain Dharma separates two things:

• Recognizing that someone behaved wrongly.
• Wanting them to suffer because of it.

The first can be practical awareness.

The second becomes dveṣa.

You can say:

• “Her shouting was wrong.”
• “I should maintain distance if needed.”
• “I do not need to keep exposing myself to insult.”

That is reasonable.

But if the mind says:

• “Let her suffer.”
• “She deserves pain.”
• “I am happy she is troubled.”

That becomes spiritually harmful for you.

Forgiveness does not mean you must go back into the same situation. Forgiveness means you stop burning your own soul with revenge.

6. What Should You Do Now?

You do not need to contact her if it may create more disturbance, awkwardness, or emotional harm. Mental repentance is meaningful when done sincerely.

But you should do inner pratikramaṇ for three things:

• For wishing harm to her.
• For wishing harm connected to her unborn/young child.
• For feeling happy at her hardship.

You can reflect in simple words:

“Because of hurt, anger, ego, and revenge, I developed wrong thoughts toward that person. I felt happiness in her difficulty. That was not right for my soul. I ask forgiveness for these impure thoughts. May my anger reduce. May I not repeat such bhāva. May all beings be free from suffering.”

This is not to crush yourself with guilt. It is to clean the inner stain.

7. A Practical Jain Method for Such Memories

When the incident replays in your mind, do not fight it aggressively. Fighting the thought often makes it stronger.

Instead, try this four-step method:

• Recognize: “This is krodha and māna arising again.”
• Separate: “This is not my pure soul; this is a passing impure state.”
• Reflect: “If I feed this, I bind karma and lose peace.”
• Release: “Micchāmi Dukkaḍaṁ. May I become free from revenge.”

Repeat gently. Not with panic, but with steadiness.

8. Final Assessment

Your condition can be summarized like this:

• Sham: Present in a developing form, but strongly disturbed by insult, humiliation, pride, and revenge.
• Pāpa-bhīrutā: Present, because your conscience warns you and you repent, but it is mixed with fear of punishment and anxiety.
• Main weakness: Krodha, māna, inner replaying, and revengeful satisfaction.
• Main strength: You notice your faults, regret them, and want to purify your soul.

Spiritual Understanding

In Jain Dharma, a mistake becomes more dangerous when a person justifies it and enjoys it without remorse. In your case, the revengeful feeling was wrong, but you are not careless about it. You are disturbed by it and want to understand it. That is spiritually important.

Do not label yourself as hopeless. But also do not label the revenge as justice.

The right inner position is:

“I was hurt, but I should not become the cause of more hatred. I may protect myself, but I should not enjoy another person’s pain.”

Takeaway

You do have signs of pāpa-bhīrutā and developing Sham, but both are still mixed with anger, pride, fear, and overthinking.

Your next spiritual work is very clear:

• Do not justify revenge as justice.
• Do not hate yourself for having wrong thoughts.
• Do sincere pratikramaṇ.
• Maintain distance where needed, but without hatred.
• Convert fear of punishment into love for soul-purity.
• Work especially on krodha and māna.

In simple words:

You are not spiritually empty. But this incident shows exactly where your inner purification is needed most.