I will answer in three parts, very simply:

1. What is actually happening inside you (from Jain view)
2. How to understand “abhavya jiva” and your fear about it
3. How to deal with your inner contradictions going forward

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1. What is happening inside you?

From your story, we can see some clear things:

• You felt deep pain for that child who did not get water.
• You punished yourself by deciding not to drink water.
• You could not keep that vow fully and felt bad.
• Later, when you heard about abhavya jiva, you felt intense sadness for such souls and also fear: “What if I am abhavya?”
• Then, in just a few days, you developed:

- A strong desire for moksha - A very high karuna (compassion): “Let everyone attain moksha; I will go last.” - Bhav to become a Tirthankar. - Bhav for diksha. - You even started 108 Guru-vandanas for 6 months, then stopped due to laziness.

Outside, this looks like contradiction:

• Sometimes very high bhav
• Sometimes fear, doubt, and laziness

But from Jain dharma, this is very normal and very deep:

a) Mixed bhav is due to mohaniya karma

In every jiva (until keval‑jnan), there is mohaniya karma (deluding karma). Because of this:

• In one moment, pure, soft bhav comes:

- “I want to serve everyone.” - “I want moksha.”

• In another moment, the same jiva feels:

- Laziness - Fear - Self‑doubt - Attachment to comfort

So you are not “fake”; you are mixed. This mixture (sometimes very high, sometimes very low) is exactly what Jain shastras describe as the condition of a samsari jiva.

b) Deep regret = strong punya and spiritual awakening

Your regret for:

• Not giving water
• Breaking your self‑vow
• The suffering of all jivas
• The idea that some jivas never attain moksha

All this shows sensitive conscience and a tender heart.

In Jain view, three things are very auspicious signs:

1. Lajja – inner shame for one’s own faults
2. Garha – condemning one’s own wrong action inside
3. Utkarsha bhav – strong wish to rise higher spiritually

You clearly have all three.

So the contradiction is not that “you are bad”; the contradiction is: your soul is pure and compassionate but still covered by mohaniya karma, so the expression becomes uneven.

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2. Are you an abhavya jiva? How to understand this properly

You heard: “Some jivas are abhavya, they never attain moksha,” and felt destroyed inside.

From Jain teachings (both traditions), in simple language:

• Bhavya jiva = capable of moksha
• Abhavya jiva = incapable of moksha

You can read a simple explanation here and here .

Now, the important part for you personally:

a) A jiva who feels real interest in dharma is not behaving like abhavya

Abhavya jiva is described as:

• Completely closed to true dharma
• No real, deep interest in moksha
• Very strong mithyatva (wrong belief) forever
• No real karuna for all beings as a spiritual value

But you:

• Love Jain dharma
• Feel pain that some others may never get moksha
• Want to help all jivas
• Have bhav of diksha and even Tirthankar bhav
• Tried doing 108 Guru-vandanas daily for 6 months

This is exact opposite of abhavya nature.

Jain acharyas say in essence (simple sense, not exact quote):

> Where there is real longing for moksha and deep respect for true dharma, that jiva is bhavya.

So your very worry “Am I abhavya?” and your love for dharma are themselves strong proof that your soul is bhavya.

b) Can we know for sure who is abhavya?

No.

• Ordinary people cannot see bhavya/abhavya status.
• Only keval‑jnani Bhagwan truly knows this.

So:

• It is not your job to decide “I am abhavya” or “I am surely Tirthankar.”
• Your job is: present effort in dharma.

Also, one more comforting point:

Some Jain explanations (you can see a soft version here ) show that what we often call “abhavi” right now may be about the present incapability. Over vast, vast time, karmic situations change. So:

• The most practical and safe way is: see yourself as bhavya and focus only on purifying your own soul.

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3. Your “contradictions” seen with Jain wisdom

Let us look at each part of your story.

(i) The incident with the thirsty mother and child

• You did not refuse to give water.
• The car moved, signal changed, you simply couldn’t react in time.
• Later, when you understood the situation, you felt strong regret.

From Jain dharma side:

• What binds heavy paap is:

- Intention to hurt, or - Carelessness with no concern.

Here:

• Your later regret and pain show that inside you are compassionate.
• This regret actually becomes pratikraman‑like – it reduces the intensity of any karma you may have bound.

Punishing yourself by not drinking water:

• The bhav behind it – “I should not be so insensitive again” – is good.
• But extreme physical punishment without proper guidance can become:

- Attachment to guilt - Not true dharma, just self‑torture.

A more Jain way:

• Remember the incident before God/arihant in your mind
• Accept: “I made a mistake in awareness.”
• Do internal pratikraman:

- Ask for forgiveness (kshama yachna) in your heart - Resolve: “In future, I will be more alert and helpful.”

Then, let the guilt soften into compassion, not harden into self‑hatred.

(ii) Starting big practices, then leaving them

You did:

• 108 Guru‑vandanas (or Tiku‑Tonk Paath)
• Continued for around 6 months
• Then stopped due to laziness.

Again, Jain view:

• The 6 months of genuine bhakti are not cancelled.
• Every single prostration, every recitation, every good bhav has created strong punya and spiritual saṁskār.
• Stopping later is a weakness, but it does not erase the earlier good.

The “contradiction” here is simply:

• Your soul wants to rise very fast,
• But old habits and mohaniya karma pull you down.

Solution is not to hate yourself; solution is to stabilise your efforts in a wiser way:

• Instead of very big sankalp that you cannot hold (e.g., 108 daily if that is too heavy),
• Take smaller, realistic niyams, but keep them for a long time.

For example:

• 3 Guru‑vandanas daily, but never miss.
• Or 5 minutes of samayik–like quiet sitting daily, but never miss.

Steady small effort > big effort that collapses.

(iii) Desire to become Tirthankar and “I will help all first”

From Jain philosophy:

• Tirthankar‑naam‑gotra karma is indeed bound by:

- Extremely high purity - Boundless compassion - Egoless charity - Clean, steady vows

Stories like King Vipulvahan becoming Bhagwan Sambhavnath show this clearly .

Your bhav:

• “I want to help all jivas.”
• “I want everyone to attain moksha; I will go last.”

This is a very beautiful and high bhav. It shows:

• Anvay karuna (universal compassion)
• No narrow selfishness.

At the same time, a subtle correction:

• In actual Jain siddhant, no one can “wait” in samsar after full moksha is ready; when all ghati karmas are destroyed, the soul must go to Siddhashila.
• A soul does not “stay back” to help others; rather:

- Before moksha, as arihant / Tirthankar, it teaches all. - After moksha, as siddha, it stays in pure bliss; its mere existence is spiritually uplifting as an ideal, not as an acting helper.

So, what to do with your bhav?

• Keep the essence: “May all jivas progress; may I never be jealous; may I help as much as I can.”
• But understand: your first duty is purification of your own soul.

- The purer you become, the more naturally your life will help others.

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4. How such contradiction is possible – short answer

Putting it very simply:

1. Your soul’s true nature is full of:

- Knowledge - Faith - Compassion - Energy

1. But it is covered with layers of karma, especially mohaniya (deluding) karma.

1. When good karmas rise and mohaniya is weak:

- You feel great compassion (for the child, for all abhavya jivas). - You feel strong desire for moksha and even Tirthankar bhav. - You take big spiritual resolutions.

1. When other karmas rise and mohaniya is strong:

- Laziness comes. - Doubt and fear come (“Am I abhavya?”). - Resolutions break. - You feel ashamed and confused: “Why am I like this?”

So the contradiction is not in the soul itself, it is in the changing rise (uday) of different karmas.

That is why Jain dharma teaches:

• Don’t get too proud when good bhav comes.
• Don’t get too depressed when weak bhav comes.
• Keep steady, humble effort and slowly reduce mohaniya karma.

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5. What you can do now (practical guidance)

1. Drop the label “abhavya” for yourself.

- Your interest in Jain dharma and pain for all beings is a clear sign that you are walking as a bhavya jiva.

1. Turn regret into pratikraman, not self‑torture.

- When you remember that child, or any mistake, do gently: - “Michchhami Dukkadam to all jivas I have hurt.” - “From now on, I will be more aware and kind.”

1. Choose small, steady niyam.

Examples: - 3 Navkars with full awareness morning + night. - One short pratikraman of the day before sleep (“Today, whom did I hurt in thought, word, deed?”). - One small act of kindness daily (even giving water, kind words, or forgiving someone).

1. Keep high bhav, but with humility.

- You may keep inside: - “If someday my soul becomes pure enough, may Tirthankar‑like compassion arise.” - But daily focus should be: - Reducing anger, pride, deceit, greed in small situations.

1. Accept that ups and downs will continue for some time.

- Even a person with darshan‑mohaniya partially broken still has fluctuations. - You are in the normal, real human path: sometimes high, sometimes low – but overall, moving slowly upward.

You can also read a simple overview of life’s true purpose and moksha here and here .

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In summary:

• Your inner contradictions are not a sign that you are “abhavya”;
• They are a sign that you are a sensitive, bhavya jiva struggling within karmic layers.
• The pain you feel for others, and your longing for moksha and diksha, are extremely precious.
• Protect these feelings, don’t crush them with guilt.
• Walk slowly but firmly on the path: little, regular, sincere efforts in Jain dharma will gradually reduce this contradiction and bring more peace and clarity inside.