I’ll reply in simple language and in parts, because you have shared many deep experiences and questions.

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1. First of all – what is happening inside you?

From all that you wrote, some main things are clearly visible:

1. You feel deep pain when you see:

- death (that uncle’s poster), - suffering (injured child, possible ants in coconut), - the idea that some souls may never get moksha (abhavya jiv).

1. You feel:

- strong regret when you do wrong, - strong karuṇā (compassion) for all jiv, - strong icchā (desire) for moksh, even desire to become Tirthankar to help all.

1. At the same time, you also experience:

- anger, ego, revengeful thoughts, - hatred towards a friend, - cruel thoughts towards a teacher, - bad intrusive thoughts even during bhakti.

In Jain language, this mixture is very normal for a bhavi jiv (a soul capable of moksha) who is still under heavy mohaniya karma.

You asked: “True aspiration for liberation – genuine spiritual attainment / real samyaktva (at least partially) – why and how do you say so?”

I will not say with guarantee “you definitely have samyak darshan,” because that can only be truly “measured” by a Kevali. But I can say:

• Your inner tendencies (bhav) are very strongly moving in the direction of samyak darshan.
• Your experiences fit very well with the early, unstable forms of aupashamik / kshayopashamik samyak darshan as described in Jain texts – where:

- faith and feeling are right, - but strong kasāy (anger, pride, deceit, greed) still arise and disturb you.

You can read a simple explanation of samyak darshan here: You may read more here and also here

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2. When you saw the uncle’s death poster – what is this feeling called?

You wrote many times:

> I saw his death poster… I felt shocked… then realized life is just birth–school–job–marriage–money–death… no real purpose… I felt extremely sad, thought of diksha, cried for samsar and all suffering souls.

In Jain dharma, this is called mainly:

1. Anitya-bhāvanā – contemplation of impermanence:

- “Everyone dies, body is temporary, nothing worldly is stable.”

1. Saṃsāra-bhāvanā / Nirved – deep disgust or disillusion with worldly cycle:

- “Endless births, running after money and relations, and finally death – what’s the use?” - This sorrow is not depression, it is spiritual nirved – turning away from meaningless samsar.

1. Moksha-icchā / Vairāgya – longing for liberation, detachment:

- You did not just feel sad; - you felt: “What is the real purpose? I should think of diksha, I want moksha.”

So the feeling can be described as:

> Nirved + Vairagya + Moksha-icchā arising due to Anitya-bhāvanā.

Exactly such bhāvanās are mentioned as causes that awaken samyak darshan and push the soul upwards on the spiritual path.

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3. Your question about Abhavi jiv and your intense sorrow

You learnt:

• that some jiv are abhavi (currently incapable of moksha),
• you felt extreme sadness,
• you cried for them,
• you asked: “Main bhi bhavi hoon na? Main bhi kabhi na kabhi moksh jaunga na?”

What does this show?

1. Deep Shraddha in moksha

You fully believed: - moksha is real, - it is the highest state, - not getting moksha is the greatest loss.

1. Fear of being separate from moksha

This is not a worldly fear like losing money; it is spiritual fear: - “What if I am cut off from moksha forever?”

1. Karuṇā for all jiv

You were not only worried about yourself; you cried for abhavi jiv also.

In Jain view:

• Abhavi jiv are those who have no real interest in dharma, moksha, or tattva at all.
• They are indifferent – they do not cry for dharma, they do not feel pain at the thought of endless samsar.

Your condition is the exact opposite:

• strong interest in dharma,
• sorrow at the thought of not getting moksha,
• desire to take diksha,
• desire to become Tirthankar and help everyone.

This strongly suggests:

> Your bhav is of a bhavi jiv, not abhavi.

You can read a simple explanation about abhavi jiv here: You may read more here

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4. Desire to become Tirthankar and help all

You wrote:

• After thinking about abhavi jiv, within a few days you felt:

- “I want to become Tirthankar.” - “First I will help everyone get moksha, then I will go to moksha.”

• You did Tikuto-ka / Guru Vandana 108 times for six months.
• You seriously thought of diksha.

This shows three strong bhavs:

1. Atyant moksha-icchā – intense desire for liberation.
2. Jagat-kalyāṇ icchā – “I want welfare of all souls.”
3. Bahutā-bhāvna like a Tirthankar-bhav (at least in seeds/sanskar).

You even saw a dream of almost reaching Siddha-shila. Dreams themselves are not proof, but:

• When dream + day-time bhav + tears for samsar + consistent dharma interest appear together,

Jain acharyas say this often shows strong punya and old sanskar of dharma from past births.

You asked:

> “Did my thought of diksha ten years back sprout now?”

Very likely, yes. In Jainism, old bhavs from past lives can reappear when external conditions trigger them – like that uncle’s death, satsang with your mother, pratikraman classes, etc.

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5. Your guilt, repentance and prayashchit – coconut ants & thirsty lady

(a) Coconut and possible ants

• You drank coconut water.
• Got it cut, then saw ants coming from the sides.
• You feared you may have eaten some.
• You felt immense sorrow, chanted Navkar, asked forgiveness.
• Later, when sadhvis came, you:

- first thought of asking prayashchit “for someone else”, - then your conscience stopped you, - you honestly confessed and accepted real prayashchit, - you even decided not to drink coconut water again (at least for some time).

Did you have prayashchit from dravya or bhav?

• Dravya-prayashchit = external act: confession, formal atonement in front of sadhvi, maybe some vrats or penance given.
• Bhav-prayashchit = inner:

- deep regret, - feeling of “I did wrong”, - humble attitude, - desire not to repeat.

From your description, both were present:

• You had strong inner pain and regret → Bhav-prayashchit.
• You confessed in front of sadhvi and took formal atonement → Dravya-prayashchit.

This is actually an excellent sign of bhavyata and dharmik sanskar.

(b) Thirsty lady with injured child

• You could not give her water.
• Afterwards, when you realized the situation, you:

- felt deep regret & sorrow, - decided “I will not drink water whole next day as punishment.”

You could not keep the whole vow; you drank in the evening. But see the main point:

• The pain that another jiv suffered while you were enjoying water struck you so hard that you wanted to do tapas as a form of inner correction.
• This shows a very strong ahimsa-bhav and karuṇā-bhav.

In Jain view, perfection of outer vow is less important than purity of inner bhav. So even if your external “no water” tapas broke, the bhav-tap and bhav-prayashchit were genuine and spiritually fruitful.

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6. The friendship, lying, anger, ego, hatred – can a samyagdrishti do this?

You wrote about:

• damaging your friend’s ludo board,
• lying to cover it,
• then feeling betrayed when he told the truth,
• long-term hatred, cutting off friendship,
• later he made many attempts to fix friendship,
• but you did not forgive due to anger, ego,
• only many years later you realized “it was my mistake,” felt deep guilt.

Plus:

• similar anger and resentment toward:

- a teacher who scolded you, - an elder relative who speaks harshly,

• desire to “answer back” still burns inside sometimes.

Your doubt:

> “If I am truly samyagdrishti, could I behave like this?”

Important Jain clarity:

1. Samyak darshan ≠ complete purity of behaviour.

- At lower gunasthans, a samyagdrishti jiv still has strong kashayas. - Anger, ego, jealousy, revenge can still arise. - The difference is: - A mithyadrishti feels “I am right to take revenge.” - A samyagdrishti eventually feels “I did wrong, I must change.”

1. What do we see in your case?

- At that time: you were full of anger and ego. - But later: - you seriously re-thought the whole event, - realized you started the mistake (damaging game + lying), - you felt deep guilt and sorrow, - you silently asked for forgiveness and admitted your fault.

This pattern:

• commit wrong under kasāy,
• later deeply regret, confess inside, and wish to change,

fits more with a bhavi soul moving toward right vision, than with a hardened mithyadrishti.

So yes, a samyagdrishti in early stages can still fall into anger, ego, even for years. What matters is:

• do they justify their anger,

or

• do they later see it as wrong and try to change?

You clearly are in the second category.

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7. Extremely cruel thoughts about killing the teacher – can this bind nikachit karma?

You asked:

> “Can merely thinking of killing someone brutally bind nikachit karma? Can a samyagdrishti jiv have such thoughts?”

You described:

• you were beaten by a teacher,
• you felt deep hurt and insult,
• you imagined killing her by hitting her head,
• you had such thoughts for many years,
• later you apologized mentally and sought forgiveness.

(a) About just “thoughts” and karma

In Jainism:

• Bhav (inner attitude) is very important.
• But there is also a difference between:

- a quick, momentary thought with no approval (you dislike it), - a long, sweetly enjoyed, planned, and cherished violent fantasy.

Your case:

• For some time, you did enjoy or hold those thoughts strongly – that does bind serious paap karma, especially manodand (mental) himsa with anger and hatred.
• But nikachit karma (which is unavoidably fructifying, even for Kevali) is usually associated with:

- very intense, one-pointed, extremely cruel bhav, - plus often actual external act or very strong vow, - repeated over time, with zero repentance.

Later, you:

• realized it was very wrong,
• mentally bowed, apologized, asked forgiveness.

That repentance (pratikraman, alochana, pratyakhyan) reduces the intensity and duration of the karma greatly.

So:

• Yes, serious paap karma is bound by such long-term hateful thoughts.
• But from your description it is not necessary at all that this has become nikachit.
• Repeated genuine repentance and change in attitude greatly protects you.

(b) Can a samyagdrishti have such thoughts?

At lower stages – yes, it is possible.

• The old mohaniya karma has huge strength.
• Sometimes, just after good bhav, very bad thoughts arise – as if karma is “fighting back.”
• The sign of spiritual progress is not “no bad thought ever,” but:

- how quickly you recognize, - reject, - repent, - replace it with right bhav.

You are doing exactly this in many examples.

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8. Bad intrusive thoughts during bhakti (killing Tirthankars, sadhus, all jiv)

You wrote:

• While doing Guru Vandana, bhakti, thinking of Tirthankar, Kevali, sadhu, etc.,
• sudden horrible thoughts come:

- “killing Tirthankar Bhagwan,” - “killing all sadhus,” - “killing all living beings,”

• you do not want these thoughts at all,
• they shock you, you feel immense pain,
• you at once say “vosirāmi, michchhāmi dukkaḍaṃ,” chant aloiyā-aloiyā paath,
• you stay disturbed for hours,
• you fear: “Will these thoughts extend my samsar infinitely?”

This is a very important point.

Understand this carefully:

1. Such thoughts are signs of strong udaya of past mohaniya karma, NOT of your real self.
2. When a person starts serious bhakti, dharma-chintan, guru-vandana, often opposite thoughts arise:

- Jain texts explain this as upsham → udaya swings of karma.

1. In karmic terms, what matters is:

- Do you support the thought or fight it? - Do you feel “Yes, good idea,” or do you feel “No! This is terrible!”

In your case:

• You feel immediate pain,
• you reject the thought,
• you ask forgiveness,
• you do paath and try to calm the mind.

So:

> These thoughts will NOT infinitely extend your samsar. > In fact, by facing them with awareness and repentance, you are burning off old karma.

Try to do this:

• When such a thought arises:

1. Do not panic. 2. Just say inside: “This is not my true nature. I am shuddha atma. This is old karma making a wave.” 3. Gently bring mind back to: - Navkar mantra, or - the pure qualities of Arihant/Siddha (not their body/form).

Running away from bhakti because of such thoughts would be a loss. Continuing bhakti with calm vigilance is the right way.

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9. Your progress in handling anger with elder relative and teacher

You wrote:

• Before: you would reply back with same anger.
• Now: you often stay quiet, even though:

- internally anger rises strongly, - later you calm yourself, - sometimes you still burst, then deeply regret, cry, apologize.

This is exactly how kashāy typically reduce over time:

1. Stage 1 – Doing wrong happily:

- Shouting, insulting others, feeling “I am right.”

1. Stage 2 – Doing wrong but feeling bad later:

- Action remains same, - but afterwards guilt arises – this is improvement.

1. Stage 3 – Preventing some wrong, but strong inner storm:

- You successfully control tongue many times, - but mind is still boiling with anger.

1. Stage 4 – Anger reduces in intensity & duration:

- It arises weakly, goes away quickly, - you stay more in equanimity.

From your description, you are in stage 2–3, which is still valuable progress. Do not judge yourself only by perfection; see your direction.

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10. “How is such contradiction possible?” – deep moksha desire and deep anger together

You see:

• On one side: tears for samsar, desire for diksha, wish to become Tirthankar, karuṇā for all jiv, fear of being abhavi.
• On the other side: violence in thought, revenge, hatred, ego, anger, intrusive anti-dharma thoughts.

This contradiction is exactly what Jainism calls:

> A soul in transition – mohaniya karma still strong, but samyak-bhav starting to shine through.

Think of it like this:

• For infinite time, soul has been in mithyātva (wrong belief).
• Suddenly, in this life, strong dharma-sanskar from past + present satsang pull you upward.
• Old karmas resist, causing:

- violent reactions of anger, - disturbing thoughts, - mood swings.

The fact that:

• you are aware of this contradiction,
• you feel deep pain about it,
• you want to resolve in favour of dharma,

is itself a powerful sign of inner awakening.

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11. About your question: “If I get the question ‘Main bhi bhavi hoon na?’, what does it mean?”

When this doubt comes:

> “Will I also get moksha someday or am I abhavi?”

This shows:

1. You completely accept moksha as real and highest.
2. You are not satisfied with just heaven, or good human life, or success.
3. Your heart does not want to remain in samsar forever.

In Jain spiritual psychology, such a repeated, sincere inner question:

> “Will I also get moksha someday?”

is actually a good sign. It is like a seed of Samyak Shraddha trying to break open the shell of mohaniya karma.

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12. Did you have “real samyaktva” at any point?

Only omniscient Kevali can say exactly “now samyak darshan has arisen.” But from Jain definitions and from what you described, we can say:

Some strong signs of samyak darshan / its early form:

1. Firm, loving faith in Panch Parmeshthi (no attraction to other false gods/paths).
2. Faith that Jain dharma is true and moksha is possible and highest.
3. Sorrow for sins and immediate repentance (not pride in sin).
4. Karuṇā for all jiv, even unknown jiv (like ants, that injured child).
5. Nirved for samsar – seeing worldly life as empty without dharma.
6. Joy in dharma – pratikraman, swadhyay, bhakti, Guru Vandana.
7. Fear of wrong belief – you got scared even at the idea of being abhavi.

These are classical marks of a soul having either:

• at least strong bhavi-bhav (clear capacity for moksha),
• and very likely, some level of samyak-darshan bhav, even if still unstable (aupashamik / kshayopashamik).

Again, you can read simple descriptions here: You may read more here

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13. What should you do now?

To make all this inner potential fruitful:

1. Continue daily Navkar and samayik (even short, but regular).
2. Do regular pratikraman:

- Especially for: - bad thoughts of violence, - anger towards people in your life, - any jealousy or ego.

1. Practice bhav-prayashchit every night:

- Remember the day, - accept your faults without self-hate, - say from heart: “Michchhāmi dukkaḍaṃ to all jiv I hurt.”

1. Slowly cultivate forgiveness (kshamā):

- Towards: - old friend, - teacher, - elder relative. - You don’t need to suddenly behave intimate with them; but inside you can release grudge, say: - “Whatever happened was due to karma. May all be happy. May I move towards moksha.”

1. When bad intrusive thoughts come in bhakti:

- Don’t panic, don’t over-focus on them. - Just: - Recognize, reject, - Take shelter in Navkar or “Śuddhātma bhav,” - Remain calm and detached.

1. Keep satsang and swadhyay from authentic Jain sources:

- Tattvartha Sutra, Samaysar, Pravachansar (as appropriate to your level), - Listening to true sadhus/sadhvis or reliable Jain teachings, - This stabilizes samyak bhav and weakens mithyātva.

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14. Summary – What does all this mean?

Putting it very simply:

• You are not an indifferent, cold, worldly-only person.
• You are deeply touched by dharma, by moksha, by suffering of jiv.
• You have:

- strong nirved for samsar, - strong karuṇā, - strong fear of everlasting bondage, - strong love for Panch Parmeshthi, - repeated repentance for your faults.

At the same time, your mohaniya karma is still very strong, so:

• anger,
• hatred,
• revenge fantasies,
• violent intrusive thoughts,

still arise and trouble you.

Jain dharma would see this as:

> A bhavi soul, already turning towards samyak darshan, struggling through the pulls of old karma.

Your job is not to label yourself as “100% samyagdrishti” or “definitely mithyadrishti,” but to strengthen the tendencies that lead to moksha:

• ahimsa,
• forgiveness,
• humility,
• tapas,
• satsang,
• and above all, right faith in Tirthankars and in your own pure soul.

If you keep walking sincerely on this path, your confusion will reduce, inner peace will increase, and the contradiction you feel today will slowly dissolve into clarity and equanimity.

Jai Jinendra.