What you are describing is very deep, and very valuable according to Jain Dharma. I’ll break it into parts so it is clear and practical.

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1. What is this feeling inside you?

From your description, many spiritual bhāvs (inner states) are arising together:

(a) Saṁvega – deep shock about saṁsār

When you saw the uncle’s death poster, suddenly you saw:

• “Life is just birth–school–job–family–money–old age–death.”
• “We run for money and status, but take nothing with us.”
• “This whole cycle feels meaningless.”

In Jain shāstra this inner shock, where the heart trembles seeing the truth of birth–death–suffering, is called saṁvega.

• It is not simple sadness or depression.
• It is spiritual awakening: clearly seeing that saṁsār is full of misery and is temporary.

This is a very auspicious state. It often becomes the starting point for:

• Vairāgya (detachment)
• Mumukṣutva (desire for moksh)
• Samyak darshan (right faith)

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(b) Vairāgya – detachment from worldly life

You clearly felt:

• “This worldly life has no real purpose.”
• “I don’t want just marriage–children–money–routine.”
• “I cannot carry money or status to next birth.”

This is vairāgya-bhāv:

• Not hatred of the world,
• But clear understanding that:

- Worldly pleasures are temporary, - They always end in separation and sorrow, - They cannot give permanent peace.

So what you are feeling is true detachment starting to blossom, not just mood or disappointment.

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(c) Karunā / Anukampā – compassion for all souls

You also wrote:

• You see suffering people, diseases, atrocities.
• You feel, “All beings are wandering in infinite births.”
• You feel tears thinking:

- “I have been ant, king, beggar, tree, whale, dog, lizard, spider… infinite times.”

This is deep karunā (compassion) and anukampā (empathetic concern).

Jain Dharma says:

• A soul that remembers infinite wandering and pain,
• And feels sorrow for all beings,

is moving toward higher spiritual bhāvs.

This is not imagination; it is in line with Jain tattva: the soul has indeed passed through countless forms.

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(d) Mumukṣutva – strong desire for moksh

You wrote:

> “It’s high time I must attain moksh within a maximum of 5 births.”

This is called mumukṣutva: a strong, burning desire for liberation.

• It is very precious.
• Without mumukṣutva, no great spiritual progress happens.
• Many shāstras say:

“Out of countless souls, very few truly desire moksh.”

So the fact that you deeply want moksh, and not just better future births, is highly elevated bhāv.

Just one caution:

• Fixing a number: “in 5 births only,” is a helpful motivation,

but the actual number of births is decided by: - your karmas, - your effort now, - and grace of your own purified soul.

• So keep the intensity, but hold the number lightly:

- “Whether in this birth or a few more, I want only moksh, nothing less.”

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(e) Mahā-karunā – wish to help all souls

You wrote:

> “The path shown by Tirthankar Bhagwān belongs not only to me but every soul… > I must help everyone attain moksh. Everyone should walk on it.”

This is mahā-karunā – great compassion:

• Understanding Jin-path is for all jīv, not only for Jains, not only for humans.
• Wishing:

- “May all recognize this path.” - “May all move towards liberation.”

In Jain view:

• No one can directly “give” moksh to others.
• Even Tirthankars show the path, but each soul has to walk it.
• Your role can be:

- to live the path, - to share right knowledge, - to encourage, - to remove obstacles where possible.

This wish itself is a very pure bhāv, close to vatsalya (affection for sangh) and prabhāvanā (spreading dharma).

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2. Why were you so sad?

You mention you felt extreme sadness during those days.

Understand clearly:

• Saṁvega + vairāgya often begin with sadness, shock, pain.
• When you realize:

- “Everything I held as ‘normal life’ is actually a big trap,” the heart naturally feels shaken.

In Jain Dharma:

• This first phase can feel heavy, like:

- “Nothing attracts me now.” - “Everything looks false.”

• If this bhāv is guided by true updeś (teachings),

it matures into: - Peaceful detachment - Steady practice - Clear aim towards moksh

If it is not guided, it can:

• slide into hopelessness or
• worldly depression.

So what you need is:

• right understanding,
• satsang (company of right people/saints),
• proper guidance, so that:

- your sadness turns into shuddha-vairāgya (pure, peaceful detachment), - not into negativity or self-hatred.

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3. Your old and new thoughts about dīkṣā

You said:

• 10 years ago you had thought of taking dīkṣā then left it.
• Recently again you strongly thought of dīkṣā.

Jain way of looking at this:

1. Past saṁskārs are awakening.

Such repeated thoughts on dīkṣā usually mean: - you have gathered strong spiritual impressions in past lives, - you may have done sādhna, perhaps even lived as a monk/nun before.

1. Do not rush. Do not suppress.

- For householders, it is not necessary to immediately take dīkṣā when such feelings arise. - Two dangers: - Rush into dīkṣā without full inner readiness → later regret. - Suppress these feelings completely → fall back into heavy saṁsār-interest.

1. Jain approach:

- Strengthen this bhāv with: - daily swādhyāy, - samayik, - small vows (anuvrat, upvās, etc.), - satsang of true sādhus-sādhvīs. - If Bhagwān and your karma wish, right time for dīkṣā will become naturally clear and stable.

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4. Are you samyag dṛṣṭi (having Samyak Darshan)?

This is a very important and sensitive part.

What is Samyak Darshan?

In simple words:

• Samyak Darshan = Right Faith / Right Vision.
• It is a clear, doubt-free conviction in:

- truths taught by the Tirthankars, - the Jain tattvas, - the reality of soul and karma, - the path of moksh.

It is not just emotion, it is a state of the soul when Darshan-Mohaniya karma is subdued or destroyed.

You can read a simple explanation of Samyak Darshan here and also about Samkit (Samyak Darshan) here

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Signs that Samyak Darshan has arisen

Classically, some main signs (simplified) are:

1. Niśaṅkitā – no inner doubt about Jain tattvas, Dev–Guru–Dharma.
2. Niškāṅkṣitā – no greedy expectations of worldly gain from religion.
3. Nirvichikitsā – no disgust towards realities of dharma (like monks, discipline, austerity).
4. Amūḍha-dṛṣṭitā – no faith in wrong paths or false deities/teachers.
5. And along with that, deep respect for:

- Arihant, Siddha, Achārya, Upādhyāya, Sādhu, - Samyak Darshan, Jñān, Chāritra, Tap.

Your feelings strongly point towards:

• belief in saṁsār,
• belief in karma,
• belief in moksh,
• respect for the path of Tirthankars,
• sense that worldly life alone is empty.

These are definitely Samyak Darshan–sahak (supportive of Right Faith) bhāvs.

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But can we say with certainty: “I AM samyag dṛṣṭi”?

According to Jain Dharma:

• Only a Kevalī or very high-level āchārya with right knowledge

can exactly say about someone’s guṇasthān (spiritual stage).

• From outside, same-looking emotions can be:

- sometimes samkit (right faith), - sometimes temporary upsham (suppression of delusion), - sometimes just mental disturbance.

So I cannot and should not give you a stamp: “YES, you are definitely samyag dṛṣṭi” or “NO, you are not.”

What we can say safely:

• You have very powerful, elevated bhāvs:

- saṁvega, - vairāgya, - karunā, - mumukṣutva.

• These are strong signs moving in the direction of Samyak Darshan.
• If you protect and nourish these with:

- right guidance, - right knowledge, - and careful conduct, then Samyak Darshan can arise or stabilize.

For practical guidance on growing into Samyak Darshan, see:

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5. How to handle this state correctly (practical steps)

(1) Stabilize your mind

Because your feelings are intense, do:

• Daily Namokār Mantra with slow, aware recitation.
• Short Samayik (at least 20–48 minutes):

- Sit quietly, - observe thoughts, - remind yourself: “I am jīva, separate from body and roles.”

• Regular sleep, simple food, some walking –

the body–mind should not get too disturbed.

(2) Turn sadness into clear understanding

Every time this sadness comes, gently guide it:

• From: “Life is useless, everything is horrible”
• To: “Life in saṁsār is temporary and painful – therefore I will surely walk the path of moksh.”

Repeat within:

• “I am not here to hate life.

I am here to wake up from ignorance.”

(3) Strengthen tattva-jñān (knowledge of principles)

• Study basic Jain tattvas:

- jīva–ajīva, - puṇya–pāp, - āsrava–bandh–saṁvar–nirjarā–moksh.

• Read or listen to simple Jain discourses every day, even 15–30 minutes.
• This converts raw emotion into steady wisdom.

You can also read: “How to know your soul” style explanations here

(4) Keep ahiṁsā and apramād in daily life

• Speak gently, avoid hurting even in anger.
• Be careful in walking, eating, working – minimize violence.
• Slowly reduce:

- strong anger, - pride, - deceit, - greed.

This makes your inner state pure, so that your high bhāvs can remain.

(5) Satsang and guidance

If possible:

• Meet a true sadhu/sadhvi/acharya (from the tradition you follow).
• Openly tell them:

- what you felt, - your wish for moksh, - your confusion about dīkṣā.

• Ask for:

- small, steady practices to start, - guidance on whether your condition is stable enough for bigger steps.

True gurus help to:

• protect your bhavs,
• prevent extremes (sudden decisions, self-torture, spiritual pride, or crash into apathy).

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6. About “I must help everyone attain moksh”

This thought has two sides:

Very beautiful side:

• It comes from mahā-karunā.
• It is close to the heart of:

- Tirthankars, - Great āchāryas, - Kevalīs, who give updeś to all.

Keep this pure side:

• “May all beings move towards liberation.”
• “May I never misguide anyone.”
• “May I live as an example; may my life inspire others to dharma.”

Wise limitation:

• Remember:

- You cannot carry others to moksh. - You can show, support, pray, teach (when capable), but each soul walks alone.

• This saves you from:

- frustration: “Why is no one listening to me?” - ego: “I will free everyone.”

Your main responsibility:

• Purify your own soul.
• While doing so, naturally:

- your words, - your actions, - your very presence will become helpful to others.

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7. Summary in simple words

• The feeling you have is not ordinary depression.

It is a mix of: - Saṁvega (shock seeing truth of saṁsār), - Vairāgya (detachment from worldly cycle), - Karunā (compassion for suffering beings), - Mumukṣutva (strong desire for moksh), - even Mahā-karunā (wish to help all souls).

• These bhāvs are rare and very auspicious in Jain view.
• Whether you are already samyag dṛṣṭi or very close to it,

only a great Kevalī-like knower can say exactly.

• What is clear:

You are standing at a very important doorway in your spiritual journey.

If you now:

• stabilize your mind,
• strengthen right knowledge,
• live carefully with ahiṁsā,
• take guidance from true gurus,

then this inner awakening can become:

• Samyak Darshan (Right Faith),
• and step-by-step,
• Right Knowledge, Right Conduct,

leading you closer to moksh, in this birth or in a few.

May these pure bhāvs never fade, and may they become the firm base of Samyak Darshan and liberation-oriented life. Jai Jinendra.