I’ll answer as a Jain friend, slowly and in depth, point by point.

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1. “Will all souls get moksh one day?” And what does your question mean?

Jain siddhānt in short

• Souls (jiv) are anant (infinite).
• Time (kāl) is also anādi–anant (beginningless and endless).
• Among these infinite souls:

- Some are bhavya – capable of moksh. - Some are abhavya – incapable of ever attaining moksh.

So, it is not true in Jainism that “one fine day, every soul will definitely get moksh.”

Abhavya jiv:

• Never attain samyak darshan.
• Never walk fully on the path of liberation.
• However long they wander in saṁsār – moksh will not come to them.

Your mother’s statement matches Jain siddhānt: Yes, there is a class of souls called abhavya, who will never be liberated.

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“Main bhi bhavya hoon na? Main bhi kabhi na kabhi moksh jaunga na?”

Now, the most important part: What does it mean that this question arose so deeply in you?

Jain ācāryas explain:

• An abhavya jiv generally:

- Does not deeply care about moksh. - Does not feel strong inner pain about saṁsār. - Does not repeatedly think, “I must be free from birth–death.”

• A bhavya jiv shows signs like:

- Attraction to Dharma. - Respect for Tirthankars. - Fear of remaining in saṁsār. - Questions like: - “Will I get moksh?” - “Am I bhavya?” - “How can I walk on this path?”

From vyavahār (practical) viewpoint, such questions are good signs:

• Your soul is not fully drowned in indifference.
• There is jāgruti (inner awakening).
• There is vairāgya (dislike for endless saṁsār).
• There is śraddhā in moksh.

Kevali Bhagwān alone can say with certainty “you are bhavya.” But practically, the way your heart is struggling for moksh and purity is strong indication of bhavyatā.

You can read a basic explanation of samyak darshan and the path to moksh here and

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2. The coconut water incident – was your prāyaścitta dravya or bhav?

You wrote:

• You drank coconut water.
• After it was cut open, ants came out from the sides.
• You felt immense sorrow, chanted Navkār, asked for forgiveness.
• Later, when sādhvijī came, you:

- First thought of asking prāyaścitta in someone else’s name. - Then corrected yourself, confessed honestly in your own name. - You took prāyaścitta. - You even decided (for some time) to avoid coconut water.

Dravya prāyaścitta = external, formal:

• Going to Guru / sādhvijī.
• Admitting the fault.
• Accepting a particular kriyā (extra pratikraman, jap, upavās, etc.).

Bhav prāyaścitta = inner state:

• Genuine regret (ālochana within).
• Deep dvesh towards your own wrong karma, not towards anyone else.
• Strong niścay / sankalp: “I will not repeat this.”
• Humility, turning to Bhagwān/Guru with an honest heart.

In your case:

1. Signs of dravya prāyaścitta

- You actually went and confessed in front of sādhvijī. - You accepted the prāyaścitta she gave.

1. Signs of strong bhav prāyaścitta

- Immediate pain and remorse in your heart. - Continuous chanting of Navkār while feeling sorrow. - Inner battle: first thought of taking prāyaścitta in another’s name → then honesty won and you confessed in your own name. - You seriously resolved (at least for a time) not to drink coconut water again.

So:

> Your real purification came mainly from bhav prāyaścitta > and it was supported by proper dravya prāyaścitta.

This kind of inner sensitivity to even possible himsā is a very auspicious sign in Jain Dharma.

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3. “What does all this mean about me?”

Put simply:

• You feel hurt even by doubtful himsā (maybe I killed ants).
• You cannot rest until you:

- ask for forgiveness, - confess, - and try to change.

• You have tenderness (komalta) of heart towards jiv.
• You have respect and trust in sādhus, prāyaścitta, Navkār Mantra.

In Jain language, this shows:

• Punya udaya related to Dharma.
• Samskār of past lives’ religious effort.
• Awakening of samvega & vairāgya (shock towards saṁsār and urge for moksh).
• Inner bhavyatā expressing itself.

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4. Can a samyagdrishti jiv get intense kaṣhāy?

Your question: > Can a samyagdrishti jiv get intense kashay? Can a samyagdrishti jiv get anantanubandhi kashay?

Basic points from Jain doctrine (both traditions)

• Samyak darshan = firm, doubt-free faith in:

- tattvas, - Tirthankars, - path of moksh.

• Anantanubandhi kaṣhāy = the most dangerous form of anger, pride, deceit, greed that:

- destroys or prevents samyak darshan, - binds very heavy karma, - pulls the soul down.

So:

• A jiv who currently has samyak darshan cannot at the same time be under active anantanubandhi kaṣhāy, because anantanubandhi breaks samyak darshan.
• But a samyagdrishti jiv can still have:

- aprātikramya kaṣhāy (strong but correctable), - pratyākhyāna and sañjvalan forms – milder than anantanubandhi, yet very strong in experience.

So:

• Yes, a samyagdrishti can feel strong anger, ego, hurt, jealousy, etc.
• No, if real anantanubandhi is fully active, at that time samyak darshan is not manifest.

In simple words:

> A samyagdrishti is not a stone. > They can feel intense kaṣhāy. > But the kind of kaṣhāy that destroys right faith is called anantanubandhi. > While deep samyak darshan is present, that specific destroyer-kaṣhāy doesn’t dominate.

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5. Your friendship story (Ludo game, 15 years of anger)

You described:

• You damaged the board in anger and lied.
• Friend told the truth; you felt betrayed.
• You were scolded; ego and anger rose.
• For years:

- you held hatred, - refused reconciliation, - saw him as an “enemy.”

• Later he even made false allegations against you; more hurt added.
• He still tried to talk to you, but you stayed closed.
• Only recently you:

- recognized your own big mistake, - meditated, - apologized mentally, - felt that ego and anger ruined the friendship.

Is this compatible with samyak darshan?

Let’s see more deeply, not only “yes/no”.

1. Very strong kaṣhāy?

- Yes. Long-lasting anger, ego, revengeful attitude: very strong kaṣhāy.

1. Signs of spiritual possibility in the same story

- You now: - accept your mistake completely, - feel real guilt (not self-hatred, but moral pain), - apologize in your heart, - see ego and anger clearly as your enemies, not your identity. - This turning inward is exactly what a spiritually awake jiv does.

1. Could such anger exist in a samyagdrishti?

- In lower guṇasthāns, yes, there can be: - stubborn ego, - long-lasting hurt, - repeated wrong reactions, - but side by side, - deep respect for Panch Parmeshti, - interest in scriptures, - thoughts of dikshā and moksh.

So:

> The events show that in those years, your kaṣhāy were very strong. > But your current regret, insight, and change of heart > are clear marks of a jiv moving towards higher spiritual states, not away from them.

We still humbly remember: whether you are already samyagdrishti or not, only Kevali knows exactly. But nothing in your story “proves” you cannot be bhavya or samyagdrishti.

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6. Violent thoughts about your teacher – Nikachit karma?

You wrote:

• After being beaten by a teacher:

- you developed intense animosity, - imagined killing her brutally by hitting her head, - these thoughts continued for years, - only recently you have: - apologized mentally, - asked for forgiveness.

Your question: > Can thinking of killing someone brutally bind nikachit karma? > Can a samyagdrishti jiv have such thoughts?

About nikachit karma (in simple words)

• Nikachit karma is:

- extremely fixed, - almost unavoidably fructifying, - result of very strong and fully expressed evil kaṣhāy.

• Typically it involves:

- very intense bhav plus - actual gross himsā in dravya (real act), - often repeated or very deliberate.

Just thinking:

• Severe hateful thinking definitely:

- causes asrava (karma influx), - binds heavy paap karmas, - may be close to nikachit-type bondage if: - combined with opportunity, - repeated enjoyment in the thought, - and no shame or restraint.

But:

• Without external act, and with later strong prāyaścitta (regret, forgiveness, change),

Jain ācāryas generally show that: - the heaviest karmas can be softened, - and firm nikachit bondage is not casually bound by every bad fantasy.

So, most likely in your case:

• You have definitely bound paap from those years of hatred.
• But your later:

- recognition (“I was wrong”), - heartfelt apology, - wish for her well-being,

• all of these are antidotes reducing the intensity of bondage.

Can such thoughts arise in a samyagdrishti?

• In lower stages, old habits (vāsanā) and past bhav can throw up even very ugly thoughts.
• The difference is:

- A worldly jiv enjoys and justifies them. - A spiritually awakening jiv: - feels ashamed, - struggles against them, - and eventually repents and tries to purify.

You are doing the second. So:

> These thoughts do not prove you are “definitely not samyagdrishti or bhavya.” > They prove that your kaṣhāy have been very strong, > and now your conscience and vivek are waking up.

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7. Your reactions to scoldings (teacher, elder relative)

• When scolded harshly:

- sometimes you stay quiet but later burn inside, replaying what you “should have said.” - sometimes you answer back very harshly, then later: - cry, - feel deep regret, - apologize.

This shows:

1. Kaṣhāy are still strong

- Anger, ego, self-respect are active. - You are not yet in a very high, peaceful guṇasthān (which is normal).

1. But your soul is soft and aware

- Immediate regret after hurting others. - Ability to cry for your mistake. - Willingness to apologize.

In Jain sādhanā, this is very important:

> Having kaṣhāy is not the worst; > defending, justifying and enjoying kaṣhāy is worse. > Feeling honest shame and repentance is a powerful step towards purification.

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8. Your desire for dikshā and deep sadness about saṁsār

You wrote:

• 10 years ago – strong desire to take dikshā after reading scriptures.
• Then it faded.
• 3 months ago – you saw a death poster of a familiar uncle:

- felt shock, - felt saṁsār is just: - birth → school → job → marriage → children → money-chasing → old age → death, - felt life has no real purpose if it ends there.

• You thought:

“Money, status – I don’t carry any of this ahead. So what is the point?”

• Again thought of dikshā.
• For days you were very sad, with:

- tears seeing others’ suffering, - deep sense: “I have been everything – ant, king, beggar, tree, whale, dog, lizard, spider – infinite times and suffered enough. Now I must get moksh within max 5 births.” - strong feeling: “Tirthankars’ path is for all souls; I must help everyone walk towards moksh.”

Your question: > What would you describe this feeling in me as? What’s going on with me?

In Jain spiritual language, this is:

1. Samvega

- A deep shock and stir on seeing: - death, - suffering, - emptiness of worldly cycle. - It makes the soul think: - “This cannot be the final purpose.” - “I must wake up.” - Seeing the death poster triggered samvega in you.

1. Vairāgya (disenchantment with saṁsār)

- Realizing: - endless studying, earning, family duties, running – but finally nothing goes with you. - Feeling: - “I have wandered enough in all yonis; enough of this repetition.” - This is classical Jain vairāgya-bhāv.

1. Karunā (compassion)

- Tears for others’ physical and mental suffering. - Inner wish: - “I want all to be freed from this.” - Desire to help others towards Bhagwān’s path.

1. Bhavyatā blossoming

- Desire for dikshā is never casual: - It reflects deep samskār from many past lives. - It may come and go, but every time it arises strongly and purely, it: - burns some paap, - strengthens saṁyama-karmas, - takes you closer to real renunciation – whether in this life or future one.

So, in one line:

> What’s going on inside you is the awakening of samvega, vairāgya, and karunā – > signs of a bhavya jiv whose spiritual seeds are sprouting again.

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9. Why should one take dikshā? (And how your case fits)

Reasons for dikshā in Jain Dharma

In very simple terms:

1. To stop new heavy karmas

- Household life = many compulsory himsā, asatya, parigraha. - Dikshā gives external setup where: - heaviest sources of bondage are minimized.

1. To shed old karmas faster

- With: - tapas (fasting, hardships), - strict conduct, - deep study, meditation, - old karmas can be destroyed quickly.

1. To live only for moksh

- No more chasing: - money, - status, - name, - sensual pleasures. - Whole life energy flows into Ratnatraya: - samyak darshan, jñān, charitra.

1. To walk exactly on Tirthankars’ path

- Monastic codes are based on Jin-āgamas: - less confusion, - straight environment for ātma-sādhana.

In your heart:

• You saw futility of pure worldly routine.
• You felt:

- “I must get moksh within few births.” - “I want to help others too.”

• These are exactly the inner reasons that push a soul eventually towards dikshā if the right conditions arise.

Right now:

> Maybe external dikshā has not come yet, > but internal dikshā-bhāv is clearly arising in you again and again.

This is precious; do not suppress it. Nourish it with:

• satsang,
• shāstra adhyayan,
• samayik, pratikraman,
• slowly increasing renunciation (aparigraha) even as a shravak.

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10. “If I am truly bhavya / samyagdrishti, can I really have all these thoughts?”

Putting all your experiences together:

• Long-standing:

- anger, - ego, - revenge fantasies, - inability to forgive.

• Along with:

- deep attraction to Dharma, - strong faith in Panch Parmeshti, - wish to be Tirthankar, - repeated pull towards dikshā, - sensitivity to himsā, - powerful prāyaścitta after mistakes, - tears seeing world’s suffering, - understanding saṁsār’s meaninglessness.

Honest Jain answer:

1. Yes, a bhavya jiv can have all these conflicting states.

- Bhavyatā is about possibility of moksh in the soul’s nature, not about current perfection. - Till higher guṇasthāns, jiv can be: - half-awake, half-asleep, - mixture of light and darkness.

1. Samyak darshan does not mean zero kaṣhāy from day one.

- After samyak darshan: - mohaniya karma is weakened, not fully destroyed (until very high stages). - Strong reactions can still come, - but there is a deep inner pull back towards truth.

1. Your repeated repentance is a very strong sign of spiritual growth.

- Every time you: - sincerely accept fault, - feel genuine remorse, - ask for forgiveness (even mentally), - resolve to improve, - you are doing exactly what Jain Dharma prescribes as pratikraman and prāyaścitta.

1. Only Kevali knows your exact guṇasthān.

- I cannot label you: “you are samyagdrishti” or “you are not.” - But your inner world clearly shows: - bhavya nature, samvega, and vairāgya, - a soul that is not satisfied with worldly life, - a soul that wants moksh, not just heaven or comfort.

So, from a healthy Jain viewpoint:

> Live as if you are certainly bhavya. > Walk the path as if samyak darshan is either near or already budding within. > Do not waste time proving or disproving your category; > use this rare human birth to strengthen faith, knowledge, and conduct.

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11. How to move ahead from here (simple practical hints)

1. Make daily pratikraman your friend.

- Bring to mind: - the friend incident, - the teacher, - the relative you answered harshly, - the ants, - and others. - Each time, from the heart: - “Jo kuch bhi mithyā bhāv se hua, uska mein pratikraman karta hoon, ālochana karta hoon, pratyākhyān karta hoon.”

1. Strengthen satvik study (śāstra adhyayan).

- Read / listen. - Especially on: - tattvas, - guṇasthān, - mohaniya karma, - samyak darshan. - This calms confusion and fears.

1. Taste small bits of renunciation.

- Short fasts or upvās according to health. - Control over: - speech (krodh), - pride, - deceit, - greed. - Simple lifestyle, less attachment to gadgets, status, praise.

1. Guard your inner images.

- When violent imaginations arise: - stop, - send maitrī (friendliness) towards that person, - pray “may this soul and I both move towards moksh.”

1. Keep your dikshā-bhāv sacred.

- Don’t treat it as a passing mood. - Even if you don’t take dikshā now: - nurture inner feelings, - stay close to sādhus/sādhvijī, - observe how they live, - let that inspiration shape your shravak life.

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In a nutshell

• No, not all souls will definitely get moksh; there are abhavya jiv.
• Your deep concern about moksh and being bhavya is itself a good spiritual sign.
• Your sorrow over ants, your honest prāyaścitta – show bhav prāyaścitta of high quality.
• Your anger, ego, revenge, and then heartfelt regret – show strong kaṣhāy, but also a soft, awakening soul.
• Violent thoughts are serious, but your later repentance is powerful; this does not automatically mean you have bound nikachit karma.
• Your repeated attraction to dikshā, tears for suffering jiv, and feeling saṁsār is pointless – this is samvega + vairāgya + karunā: very precious.

What’s going on in you is not madness; it is your soul waking up.

Use this awakening carefully, with humility and steady effort. Walk step by step on Ratnatraya. That is the best way to honour all these intense experiences you are going through.