I’ll answer from Jain dharma step‑by‑step, in simple language.

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1. First, about you and your stories

From what you wrote, three things are very clear:

1. You feel deep regret for your past mistakes.
2. You want to walk on dharma, even think about diksha and Tirthankar bhav.
3. You keep questioning your own ego and anger instead of justifying them.

These three are very strong spiritual signs in Jain dharma. A really hard, cruel person does not doubt himself like this.

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2. What is Samyak Darshan really?

In Jainism, Samyak Darshan means:

• Right faith / right vision in:

- Soul (jiva) - Karma - Tattvas (truths) - Tirthankars and Jain scriptures

• Feeling: “This path is true; I want to follow it sincerely.”

It does not mean:

• “I never feel anger.”
• “I never make mistakes.”

Even a Samyagdrashti can:

• Feel anger, ego, hatred arising inside,
• But then realize: “This is wrong, this is kashaya,”

feel ashamed / repent, and try to come back to calmness.

You can read more on Samyak Darshan here:

So, only from these incidents, we cannot say: “You are definitely not Samyagdrashti.” That judgement in the exact technical sense of gunasthans is known truly only to a Kevali.

For us, the practical question is:

• “Right now, do I trust Jain tattvas and want to purify myself?”

If yes, then you are moving in the direction of Samyak Darshan, and that is what matters.

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3. Can a Samyagdrashti have such anger, ego and cruel thoughts?

In simple language: Yes, it is possible.

Why?

(a) Old karmas + habits

Even after getting Samyak Darshan,

• old karmas,
• old habits (sanskar)

can still produce:

• anger,
• jealousy,
• harsh thoughts,
• revengeful imaginations.

Difference is:

• A person without right faith:

“I was right to hate them; they deserve it.”

• A person with right direction:

“I know this anger is wrong. I don’t like it. I want to remove it.”

You are clearly in the second category. You repeatedly:

• feel guilt,
• try to calm yourself,
• mentally apologize.

This is exactly what Jain dharma wants: see the fault as fault, then repent and repair.

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4. About each incident you described

(1) Ludo board, your friend & his grandmother

Real facts:

• You intentionally damaged the board (out of anger of losing).
• You lied to his grandmother.
• Then you held anger and hatred towards your friend for many years.
• Now you realize: “Actually, I was wrong from the start.”

Jain view:

• Damaging someone’s thing intentionally = paap (asteya + krodh).
• Lying to hide it = paap (asatya).
• Carrying hatred and breaking friendship = paap (krodh, maan).

But now:

• You accept it was your mistake.
• You feel pain and regret.
• You wish you had behaved differently.

This repentance (pratikraman-bhav):

• Weakens that karma,
• Softens inner kashaya,
• Moves you towards Samyak Charitra, not away.

What you can do now:

• From heart, say to him mentally:

“I was wrong. I hurt you. Please forgive me – Micchhami Dukkadam.”

• If possible and safe in real life, you may:

- send a simple message, - or just internally forgive him and ask forgiveness.

Even if he never hears it, your bhav will clean your karma.

For detailed pratikraman understanding, you can see:

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(2) Teacher who scolded you harshly

You:

• stayed quiet at that time,
• but now feel: “I should have replied back.”
• anger and ego again rise when you remember,
• you also sometimes apologize mentally.

Jain understanding:

• When we keep replaying old insults and keep thinking:

- “I should have answered them back,” - “I should have insulted them,” that is inner krodh + maan.

• Even if we don’t act externally, such repeated angry thinking binds karma.

But:

• You are fighting inside: part of you wants to answer back,

part of you wants to forgive and stay calm.

This inner struggle is normal for a sadhak.

Practical way:

Whenever memory comes:

1. Immediately say in mind:

“This is old. Let it go. I don’t want new karma for an old event.”

1. Recite Namokar Mantra 3–5 times slowly.
2. Then say mentally to that teacher:

“If I had any wrong towards you in thoughts, words or actions – Micchhami Dukkadam. I forgive you too.”

This directly uses Kshama Bhavana (forgiveness feeling).

You can read a bit on Kshama here:

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(3) Elder family member whom you answered harshly

You:

• replied back very strongly,
• another relative cried seeing your harshness,
• few minutes later you felt deep guilt,
• you cried, went and apologized.

From Jain point:

• Harsh words with anger = strong paap (krodh + maan + himsa through speech).
• But quick realization + apology + tears of repentance =

- very powerful pratikraman in real time, - reduces intensity of bound karma a lot.

Here you actually did the right Jain response:

• mistake → awareness → pain → apology → resolve.

Try to add one more step:

• inner resolve: “Next time, I will pause before speaking.”

Small technique:

• When such a person shouts at you, take 3 deep breaths before replying.
• If possible, say: “I will answer later,” and walk away.

This breaks the chain of anger.

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(4) Six years of violent thoughts about killing the teacher

This is the most sensitive part of your question.

You asked:

> Can thinking of killing someone brutally bind nikachit karma? > Can a Samyagdrishti jeev have such thoughts?

(a) About such violent thoughts

Jain dharma is very clear:

• Violence in thought is also bhava-himsa and binds karma.
• Repeated, intense, enjoyed imaginations of killing someone:

- bind very heavy paap, - especially in the category of anantanubandhi kashaya (worst type of passion), if we enjoy or approve those thoughts.

But there are some important points in your case:

• You were beaten by teacher – that was a shock/trauma for you.
• From that pain, strong revenge fantasies arose.
• Later, you:

- realized it is wrong, - mentally apologized, - now you feel guilty and want to purify.

So:

• Yes, those thoughts did bind bad karma.
• But your later repentance has already started reducing their power.

(b) Is it definitely Nikachit karma?

Nikachit karma means:

• a type of karma whose result must come,
• cannot be completely avoided,
• very fixed and intense.

Important point: According to Jain philosophy, only a Kevali can truly know:

• which karma is nikachit,
• what exact result it will give.

We, as ordinary souls:

• cannot label our specific thoughts as “this became nikachit,”

we simply don’t know.

However, scriptures say:

• intense, cruel, revengeful bhav can become causes of very painful future results,

sometimes in hellish births.

But the same scriptures also say:

• Pratikraman, Kshama, Tap, Swadhyaya can:

- reduce duration, - reduce intensity, - change mode of result of many karmas.

So, a safer and truer statement is:

> “Those thoughts definitely bound heavy paap. > Whether they became nikachit or not – only Omniscient knows. > But your current repentance and change of heart are already working to soften them.”

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5. Can a Samyagdrashti have such cruel thoughts?

In theory:

• If someone has strong, continuous, proudly-accepted hatred and desire to kill,

and they feel: “I am fully right,” and have no belief in karma, ahimsa, Tirthankars – that goes against the spirit of Samyak Darshan.

In your case:

• You do believe in:

- karma, - ahimsa, - Tirthankars, - Jain path.

• You feel:

- guilt, - fear of your own anger, - desire to become pure, - wish even for Tirthankar-bhav.

So, spiritually:

• You are not proud of these thoughts,
• You know they are wrong,
• You are trying to remove them.

This is exactly what a Mumukshu (soul desiring liberation) does.

Whether you have already technically attained Samyak Darshan (as a gunasthan) or you are just very near to it – that is too subtle for us to decide. But your direction is very clearly towards it.

You can also read a simple explanation of Samyak Darshan here:

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6. What should you do now? (Practical Jain steps)

1) Daily or regular Pratikraman

• Sit quietly,
• Remember:

- the friend, - the teacher, - the relative, - anyone else you hurt.

• For each, do:

- Alochana – “I did wrong like this…” - Pratikraman – “I deeply regret it.” - Pratyakhyan – “I will try sincerely not to repeat it.” - Say: “Micchhami Dukkadam.”

This becomes a spiritual cleaning every time. How to do Pratikraman (simple guidance):

2) Practice the Four Bhavnas especially:

• Maitri – “I am a friend of all beings.”
• Pramod – “I feel joy in goodness of others.”
• Karuṇa – “I feel compassion towards those in suffering.”
• Madhyasthata – “I stay neutral towards those who oppose me.”

When old memories come, tell yourself: > “Right now I choose Maitri / Kshama instead of krodh.”

3) Handle rising anger in the moment

When anger suddenly rises (with family, etc.):

1. Immediately pause – do not speak for a few seconds.
2. Take 3 deep breaths.
3. In your mind, say Navkār Mantra once.
4. If still too angry, say:

“I will talk about this later,” and walk away.

This one habit can save you from many new karmas.

4) Don’t label yourself as “evil” – just as a learner

Constant self-hatred (“I am horrible, I can’t be Samyagdrashti”) also harms spiritual progress.

Jain view of you is:

• You are an eternal, pure soul at your core.
• Krodh, maan, maya, lobh are dust on the mirror, not the mirror itself.
• You have:

- faith in dharma, - desire to improve, - repentance for past – these are very high qualities.

So, see yourself as: > “A soul walking on the path, making mistakes, but sincerely trying again.”

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7. Summary in very simple points

• Yes, your actions and thoughts (damage, lying, hatred, violent fantasies) did bind bad karma.
• This does not automatically prove that you cannot be Samyagdrashti.
• A Samyagdrashti is not a person with zero anger, but a person who:

- believes in Jain truths, - recognizes anger as a fault, - repents and tries to reduce it.

• Thinking of killing someone cruelly is a serious paap, but whether it is nikachit karma is something only a Kevali knows.
• Your repentance, tears, apologies, and present efforts are very powerful in weakening those karmas.
• Instead of getting stuck in:

- “Am I really Samyagdrashti or not?” focus on: - Daily Pratikraman, - Forgiveness (Kshama), - Control of speech, - Reducing anger step-by-step.

From the Jain point of view, the way you are now:

• questioning yourself honestly,
• feeling pain for your faults,
• wanting to become pure,

is a very hopeful and sacred stage of your journey.